reasons why I am here

[findingneverland]

I've decided to take the next step and join a forum to help deal with my partner's PA. This is a new thing for me since I like to regard this as a relatively private problem. However, I am not able to deal with this on my own and I am embarassed to talk about it with many people.

To give some background information, my boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 years. About a year ago he willingly admitted to me that he watches porn and wanted to give it up. At this time, I also watched it on occasion, but it wasn't a problem for me. We decided to make a pact together to give it up. My end of the bargain was easy; however, while I was quitting, I found out that he continued to watch it and hide it from me. I found porn on his internet history, on his computer, etc. When confronted about this, he would deny it and then accuse me of having a problem of not trusting him or taking his word for it. This occurred several times until one day I actually showed him where I found it on his computer - he then admitted he had a problem and that he was watching it again. Since then I've installed Windows Parental Controls on his computer which helped. However, it actually became on obsession of mine where i would constantly look at his internet history. This led him to believe that I wasn't trusting him (which i wasn't) and i learned that this was unhealthy. We came to an agreement that I would removed the family safety and he would tell me if he ever looked at it again. Again, I believed him and wanted to move forward on this issue.

I wish so desperately to move on from it. But tonight I was on his computer and went to Netflix to watch a movie. Under his recently watched items was A LOT of soft core porn. It's so difficult to be in a relationship where you need honesty to gain trust. I feel like we are back to where we started on this issue and I don't know how to move forward.

This is my attempt to try and find a better solution for us.

[Mac]

Hey There Findingneverland.

Welcome to the wonderful world of TTF. So sorry that you need to be here.
There is a huge amount of resourses here and a lot of great people to support you.
You say in your post that you feel like you are back to where you started with this whole thing. Well you may be back but obviously your boyfriend never left. I applaud you for trying find something that can help you both, but I am more than a little dismayed to see your BF accusing you of not trusting him and that because of this you have decided to pull the parental controls from his computer. If that isn't deflecting the blame for this i don't know what is. It really wasn't your place to install the controls in the first place, but if he is in anyway serious about getting past this addiction like he says he is, I would expect him to be jumping through hoops to have this installed himself. You talk about what you are doing to solve this problem, what is he doing?.There is certainly nothing wrong with you doing what you can to support your BF in his recovery, but it is his recovery. You have your own healing to do here as well and if the 2 of you can work together and support each other it can be a really great experience.
Just my thoughts, Findingneverland.

All the best
Mac

[Disillusioned]

Hi Findingneverland,
Welcome to the support and warmth of TTF. You are safe here, as no one knows you and will ask “How are things?” in that annoying pseudo-whisper while you are checking for the right head of cabbage in the produce section. You will find a lot of people who have looked at p and wondered, what a waste? What’s the big deal? Well, for a lot of our fellows, it becomes a big deal. The darned stuff is addictive, and like drugs, it seems to take increasing intensity to get the same kick from it that was obtained originally. When accompanied by MB, it becomes an unhealthy way to self-soothe.

I strongly suggest going to the 14 methods of denial or rationalization that p users often use to justify their habits. I am sure your bf will have used at least several of these already to describe what is going on in his life. These are listed in the general discussion section of our forum. The way he accused you of not trusting and intimidated you into removing the parental controls, is the addiction in him at work.

Our Jenn at TTF, describes recovering from P addiction as a process, and it is from what I have experienced. In the meantime, it is just heartbreaking to watch our men struggle to free themselves of it, and come to understand that the need for this stuff comes from poor thinking on their parts. This stuff causes a lot of relationship pain and mistrust which is so basic in a relationship.

Do look around the general discussion area and learn what P is really about. It is about $ and lots of it. So much so that big business has invested in it.P hurts everyone it touches... our men, relationships, our kids (average age of first exposure is 11 years of age), the actors. It spreads physical illness and emotional illness. It is always beckoning, anonymous, and too, too available.

If you look in the DSM which is the bible for psychiatrists and mental health workers, you will not see p addiction listed, because it is not recognized for its truly addictive qualities yet. Let me assure you the addiction is real, and many more people are becoming ensnared in this every day.

Good luck with your journey. Please keep talking in your journal. There are lots of friendly and good folks here who will tell you about their own experiences, what helped, what didn’t help.
disillusioned

[waterlily327]

Hi FindingNeverland,

Welcome to TTF, I am glad you found us! As a fellow significant other (SO) here, I have found wonderful support on TTF while my boyfriend-now fiancé- has battled with his PA.

Some helpful tips that I have found the most effective for an SO recovery:
--Set boundaries with your BF and stick with them
--Start a journal here
--Realize he needs to be willing to recover- you can only help him as much as he is willing to help himself
--Take care of yourself –this addiction is terrible on SO’s, and if you neglect to take care of yourself, you will burn out and not be able to help your BF in anyway
--Encourage him to join TTF, encourage an internet filter, and support him as much as you feel comfortable doing (support without determent to yourself)

Good luck with everything, and I hope you find the loving support that myself and my fiancé (Rockinastorm) have found here since we joined in March!

[findingneverland]

Thanks everyone for your support! Disillusioned, I have tried to find the 14 methods of denial or rationalizations in the general discussion area. I couldn't find it...any chance you could help me with that?

And waterlily, as a fellow SO of a PA I am wondering how you dealt with it in the beginning. Was your fiance willing to admit it, or was he open about his addiction? A tough part for me is getting my boyfriend to understand that it is abnormal to spend hours upon hours looking at P. He realizes it sometimes and then doesn't at others which can be very confusing for me. Your understanding and opinion is greatly appreciated!

[Charly22]

I hope Waterlilly will respond to your question, but in the meantime, I'm gonna throw in my experience as a SO of a PA.

It is my experience that to try to pound home to them about why it is abnormal, or why it might be "morally" wrong, or all the many many reasons why it is bad for him....won't have any kind of effect. I argued those arguments and fought those fights for so long. It was as though I was peeling away at an onion. At the core is this: It's all about what it does to ME to be in a relationship with a PA. How that affects ME. How that hurts me. And how as long as I continue to stay and try to do anything except demand it stop was damaging to my soul and heart and spirit. And it being an addiction, certainly never was willing to hear me, or believe me, or have enough to stop, until I was already gone.

I think that is the core of this for all of us SO's. That is where it has to start and end.

I would focus on making sure you communicate how it affects YOU....

[Hopeful]

Hi findingneverland,

I really do not think that my H (HopefulsRock) would have totally understand the severity of all of this without reading the 14 types of Denial. Thank you again Alika for posting this.

Checklist: 14 types of denial

1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.