where to begin?

[Hopeful]

Hi renee6,

I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling right now. I do know how the lies can be so hurtful. My H (HopefulsRock) did not join until 2 months after I did, although I was on here for a few months before just reading. I used to send him posts to read that I felt might help him to understand what was going on with himself and to see that he wasn't alone in this. That's all you really can do, just nudge him in the right direction but in the end he has to make the commitment and decide that he wants to do this for himself and his relationship with you.

All I can offer is, print or send him some of the articles or journals that you can relate with and hopefully he will see how the other men on this site can help him. It doesn't happen overnight, takes a lot of work from both of you. Seeing that you talk about it every night is a great start though.

These wise words from CityFool are what got my husband to join the site "I feel sorry for any SO on this site without their PA because they are already starting out behind the 8-ball".

Take care of yourself renee

[renee6]

howdy yall-been awhile since i've actually been on. i sneak in from time to time just to check in. my oldest daughter asked me about this site, i've had her with me on the last time i logged in. she is interested in what i am doing. my H-not so much...not at all at the moment. he feels embarrassed and is still resistant. i have not pushed the issue-i really think he'll come around, but only when HE'S ready. my therapy is going ok, i go every week, then come Decemember every other week. my H has been doing a good job in his efforts, but im the one who is still very suspicious & untrusting. i know that he is getting frustrated with me, but he & i talk & i try my best to help him understand why i feel the way i do. he has stated to me,"it's only been 3'xs" i keep trying to explain to him that he was caught at least 3'xs but that it has ALWAYS been there. he doesnt want to get it, i know that maybe it sounds better to him and not so bad when he says 3 instead of realizing that its over a 5yr span for us & 16yrs for just him. but we continue to talk, we go out on dates when we can. this past tuesday he & i went out on a date & we had a really good time. we enjoyed each others company & even played a few video games. my anxiety didnt act up too much, i was still suspicious of everyone around me, but he did his best to let me know i was the only woman that mattered to him that night. i will continue my therapy sessions, & hopefully one day he will at least look into this site. thank you TTF-you're helping me more than you could possibly imagine.

[JenMac]

Hey Renee,
Nice to see you back again! I am glad to hear you are doing well for yourself. I pray with time your H will 'get it'! Seems that it takes some time for some to come to terms with how it affects us, let alone how it affects them. If he were to do some reading here, I am sure it would help him to come to a better understanding, quicker.
Renee, the suspicion and mistrust will last I am afraid. Until we feel they truly do 'get it', it is hard to relax around that issue. Even when we can see real recovery starting to take place, our trust is slow to return. Unfortunately that is an effect of the place we find ourselves in.
So happy to see you here renee! Come back often!
Hugs for you!
Jenn

[renee6]

howdy yall-im in a very "bleh" kind of mood. tonight my H & i were discussing his therapy appt. his therapist had asked him why it is so important to me that he join TTF. he stated that he is not the kind of person to put his "business out there" to stranger. where i feel better that i can talk to someone who knows what im going through. he expressed that he does not think he has an addiction, more of a "habit". i told him that if its just a habit why he continues to need to have it in the past. i still feel like he's in denial. he insists that its no big deal, that we need to move forward. i agree, but to me it is a big deal. he even told his therapist that he can go a few months w/o it, but then goes out & buys more. as of today i have to believe that he has none of this crap(sorry :-( ) in our home, on his phone or hidden anywhere else. he shredded up his bank statements from this past summer because it was a constant reminder of what he wasted his money on, but i know that he really doesnt see it as a waste. he says that i dont need to be reminded of what he did in the past, the problem is that im ALWAYS reminded, everything in this house, going out in public, he really doesnt seem to understand how this has affected me. he really upsets me-im just so angry, STILL. i know he's trying, but my gut keeps telling me i should just move on-because i just dont think i can ever trust him again. he has lied SO MANY times before-why is THIS time any different than the last? sorry-im rambling , venting.... being a pain again. i just need...i want him to understand. i hate that there's no way for him to feel how i feel, so maybe he could see...i have to go now. yall have a great evening. looking forward to tomorrow nights "couples chat" toodles noodles.

[JenMac]

Hey Renee!
I am looking forward to seeing you in couple's chat tomorrow night too!
I am sorry that your H is not wanting to join us here at TTF. Especially when it is so important to you! I hope he will change his mind on that, but regardless, I am glad you are here my friend! Do what is important for you! Perhaps he will follow!
See you tomorrow!
Hugs for you!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Hi Renee,
Just wanted to ask you to keep reading journals. My h still has trouble accepting the label "addiction." and he's not alone. I am re-reading the Dr. Carnes book, "Don't Call it Love," and there is an element in the PAs that I just couldn't accept before. It is about control, and Carnes calls it, "Master of the Universe" concept. If your PA came from an emotionally distant family, or if it was very dysfunctional, it seems our fellows learned to control the one thing they felt they could, and that is their emotions. Mine read to distance himself from the calamity taking on in his home life. It was a form of escapism. He controlled the only thing he could, and that was feeling or showing that he was feeling upset. This is what P helps them with. They can escape again from their feelings here. Under the guise of s-x-al stimualtion and novelty comes another tool to hide from their own pain, dissatisfaction with themselves or their circumstances, and they can learn to mute their feelings using this. This is the final hook...that gets them, Renee. It takes them from the real world of chaos, emotions, and pain into a pretend world where everything is what they want and need and always available. They don't have to worry or hurt, cause this is there to numb it. Anything that threatens to make them feel the emotions they don't want to deal with is an enemy, including a loving wife, including TTF. They will not be controlled even though they are totally out of control with P. That is the irony of this sad situation. They will not be made to feel that which has for so long felt threatening and unsettling. They are in control... In this way, they can be Master of their Universe.
Hope your h changes his mind. If he doesn't do the couples chat, you can. Keep learning and understanding. I am so thankful you have realized this really isn't about you at all.
disillusioned

[Devastated2]

This book sounds really interesting D. Thanks for mentioning it.