I'm not sure I can do this. Or that I want to.

[aconen7]

I've been seeking out porn since I was a teenager in TX. While it was a kind of unsavory aspect of my personality, I told myself that I had the right to view it and that it was a victimless activity.

Until the internet. Now, what was a quirk has turned into an irresistible addiction. I'm fully convinced that this is as much an addiction as nicotine or crack cocaine. And that it isn't strictly psychological or emotional. I can FEEL that I have a physiological addiction. I need porn. It's an addiction that is triggered by things that are impossibly common and embedded in my life and psyche: things like frustration, unhappiness or indecision. These are things that make me feel the NEED for porn. Not to mention ads, photos, particular words, people and their dress...the list is endless. In 20 years, I've probably not quit for more than three or four days.

To be honest, I'm pretty hopeless about recovering from this, but I'm here anyways. I'm not really committed yet to recovering because first, I'm reluctant to miss out on the pleasure I get several times a day and second, I just don't know that I can do it. I have to add that I'm married and bisexual, complicating all of this even further. And my marriage is on very unsteady ground. (sigh)

A lot of people here are upbeat and hopeful. I hope I end up catching that attitude. Right now, I'm pretty pessimistic.

Aco

[maggie]

Aco ~ welcome

You say you're not sure you want to quit this or give it up.... That's pure HONESTY..

what was a quirk has turned into an irresistible addiction. I'm fully convinced that this is as much an addiction as nicotine or crack cocaine. And that it isn't strictly psychological or emotional. I can FEEL that I have a physiological addiction

But the very fact that you are questioning ( it ) as an activity or a constant mindset and understanding that ( it ) has a psychological & physiological affect / control over you... like all addictions do.. makes it worth your attention. And there is lots of research on the neuro-science of addiction and the body's chemical system getting out of order from overstimulation.

I'm not really committed yet to recovering because first, I'm reluctant to miss out on the pleasure I get...

That's the really tough part - even when a p user is totally committed to giving it up - their mind & body may crave it...Not to minimize the situation but it's like a food addict / binger trying to give up desserts that taste sooo good - or the alcoholic who craves that drink and its mind numbing effect. There def is a psych & physical draw to addiction.

Yes, alot of people here are upbeat & hopeful, but most people began in a lesser state... give yourself some time to read thru some of the Recovery Journals and you will see the transition from depression and frustration to hope and strength..

Welcome!

[BestShot]

Hi Aco,

I read your post and I understand where you are coming from. I know you are questioning whether or not you really want to give up this addiction but let me try to give you some perspective.

Imagine your wife discovering your addiction and imagine how you would react. At first, you may just say, no big deal I still have my "P". You will go back to your room and spend time with your friend "P". After you have gotten your fill you will be sitting there realizing that "P" isn't really your friend. "P" is just a temporary escape...an empty shell that offers nothing tangible or REAL. You will look around and realize your wife is gone. You will be alone. Alone for what??? "P"??? Something that cannot speak to you, love you or help you in time of trouble.

If you stop and think about how "P" can literally destroy your life you may find that you do want to give it up. Aco, this website has helped many people just like you. People with voracious addictions to "P". Here, you will find a new family that will support you in a very REAL way.

Please give giving up "P" a chance and let all of us here help you do it!

BestShot

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Aconen7
First, I welcome you here to TTF. I am glad that you are here
I want to say, I love that you are very honest in your post here, when you say, you are not sure if you can do this, or if you want to stop it. Thank you for being honest

The outcome of if you can do it, or if you want to, is all your choice. It is up to you, if you do want to continue in this life that will prove to get you nothing but pain after a while. But in all honesty, I do feel that you want to stop this, or you would not be here, telling us about it.

If I can be honest with you now, 10 months ago, I may have had this same attitude as you have about this. I have had this addiction for over 40 years, and it was the best to me. Give it up? Hell no, and why should I. this is my time; I love this stuff, because it brings me so much happiness and joy in my life. I lived every waking moment, as to when, I would be alone, so I could indulge in my happiness, for hours and hours at a time. I loved the rush that it gave me, and there was no way in hell, I was going to give it up. I was very very deep into my addiction, but it was not until I hit bottom, and almost lost all who mean anything to me, that I realized, that this crap, is in no way, any kind of happiness. I destroyed the most Precious, Beautiful woman, I have ever been with.

You say, that you are reluctant, to miss out on the pleasure that you get from this. I can tell you my friend, that after you are free from this addiction, even after a short while, you will see that you are not missing out on anything good at all. As a matter of fact, you will see that all you was missing out on, was a lot of pure happiness in your life.

I just ask you to come here, and read through other addict’s journals, and see how they overcame this addiction. See if you can’t find it in your Heart, to want to do this, and not allow it anymore, to be a part of your life. Giving this crap up, will prove to be, the best decision you made in a long time.

We want to see you free from this addiction, and we are here, to take you by the hand if need be, and guide you in the right direction
STOP SAYING YOU CANT DO IT, AND START DOING IT.

Good luck to you
Gerald

[Teemo]

aco,

Welcome to TTF. I understand your indecision. It is hard to give up something that gives us intense pleasure, even if the pleasure brings with it the slow but sure destruction of our lives and our relationships. I tried to give it up many, many times. Once we are addicted, it takes a lot more than just a firm decision to quit. I think we have little chance of success until we are in enough trouble that we simply must stop. When we see that life just cannot go on this way, then maybe we are ready. Then we do what we must. We get help. We admit our lives are out of control. We pray. We turn it over to God. See the 12 steps that AA follows. We don't all use the steps, but I think they tell pretty clearly what we must do if we are going to reclaim our lives.

[aconen7]

First, thank you all for the words of support. This is the first time and the first place I have ever addressed this issue.

Aconen7
...I love that you are very honest in your post here, when you say, you are not sure if you can do this, or if you want to stop it. Thank you for being honest....But in all honesty, I do feel that you want to stop this, or you would not be here, telling us about it.

This site is pretty much the only place I can be honest and I hope that my trust is well placed. You are right Gerald, I do want to stop. This addiction has skewed my whole perspective on life...things that used to give me pleasure, rarely do any more. It wastes my time at times I can least afford to waste it. It compromises my attraction to my wife, and my ability to be with her. It makes me feel like an out-of-control low-life. I hate all of that.

In the face of the short-term benefits of P, I don't know how to focus my mind on all the long-term costs. I just don't know how to avoid that demanding, irresistible, persistent pull to just type in the URL, so that 10 minutes or 100 minutes later, I'll feel better.

And then I'll feel like a loser. I'll have lost hours of time, intensity of focus and another measure of self respect.

It is just incomprehensible to me that I have lost control of myself. And, that this whole thing actually is an addiction. An addiction! Not just a bad habit. Not just a minor character flaw. How could I...me...regular guy, going to work, raising a family, paying the mortgage...how could I have become addicted?! And addicted to something I didn't even know you could become addicted to! I mean, I believe in moderation...I always have. Sure, I've smoked, had a drink, experimented with drugs. But I was never addicted. I partake in things in moderation. How is it that I get addicted to this? This is just so...demoralizing. I'm no different than some drug addict you see on 20/20 or 60 Minutes.

I have to tell you, I just don't see the way forward. I really appreciate the support, but I really don't know how to start. And worse, if I do start, that I'll be able to keep up the effort. I mean, what's the point of starting, if you won't be able to finish. This like AA isn't it...where I'll always be "recovering"? Now that is just overwhelmingly depressing.

[JenMac]

This like AA isn't it...where I'll always be "recovering"? Now that is just overwhelmingly depressing.

Hi Aco!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here! I am glad you are beginning to see what this addiction is costing you.
Aco.
Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
The first 3 steps to changing anything troubling you in your life. And I believe you have just taken all 3 steps. That is so very important Aco! Congratulations!
Yes Aco, in some ways this is no different than AA and the steps and determination you need to put in place. And yes, you will be deciding to leave this part of your life behind you. And yes that is most likely scary to you at this moment in time.
But as you move forward and learn everything that you are meant to learn, and as you begin to feel the changes that happen within you, you will no doubt experience what many others who visit here have discovered - an overwhelming sense of wellbeing, the lessening of that sense of self loathing and disgust that you feel at this time. It won`t happen quickly Aco, but I am certain that with time and committment, you will find yourself in a better place. It is a process Aco, and one that is worth your time.
See P is a destroyer dressed up as a temptress. Given time it will rob you of everything important to you. Don`t let that happen Aco. Fight that with everything you`ve got! You are worth the battle!
All the best!
Jenn

[Thoughtless]

It is possible. Resist the urge for twenty minutes while doing something useful or at least distracting. Congratulate self. Repeat.

Slip? Start over…

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Aconen7

I don’t understand something that you said. You said that you don’t know how to start. Well my friend, you have already started as far as I am concerned. Whether you realize it or not, you already started just by coming here. As soon as you came here, and wrote your post, about you addiction, you made so many people aware that you want help with this crap, and we are here waiting to help you if you want it.


As for you keeping up with the effort, you just try. You just do the best that you can. Like thoughtless said above, if you slip, you start over. Hey it is in no way going to be an overnight success in ridding yourself from them, but yet, it is very possible to have a successful recovery. Motivate yourself in this; motivate your Heart, to get this crap out of your life. If I could do it, then you can.


Besides, you already know it is not doing your life any good, so why would you want to continue in this, if it is keeping you from becoming a better person? Really think about just how bad you do want this out of your life, and give it a shot. Just see if you can do it. You really do not know if you can do this, unless you give it a try. SO TRY.

One last thing. As for being in recovery for life, yes maybe you will be. But let me say this. As you learn ways to deal with the struggles, and the triggers in this addiction, in time, you won’t even know you are fighting this crap. Your recovery become natural to you, and to be honest, you are fighting this addiction and not even realizing it.


This may not be the easiest thing for you to do, but to be honest; it is only as hard as you make it.
Please let us try to help you. You will surprise yourself, in how good you can do in your recovery

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[aconen7]

There's not much somebody can say to me that gets me emotional, but you guys move me. I read Thoughtless' post..."Resist the urge for twenty minutes while doing something useful or at least distracting. Congratulate self. Repeat. Slip? Start over…" It was so mundane and simple. But to me, it reads like a haiku. Brief. Direct. Precise. I know that these directions are are all I need to get started. Resist. Recover. Repeat. It's so insanely hard.

But like you're saying, Gerald, I have to "motivate my heart." I'm going to start tomorrow morning. I'm going to try to stop. (My head is shaking back and forth, involuntarily, as if my body is saying "Yeah, right. Sure you are.")

I'm going to try. I'll go a half-a-day at a time. Tomorrow afternoon will be difficult. Tomorrow night will be...well, I guess I'll just try it.

Thanks for the help...I'm afraid I won't succeed, but, WTF.