New Person Here

[dstine1234]

Hi, I just joined the site, to be honest I am not feeling too hopeful but it was suggested that I might give this a shot. I already see a PA therapist for almost a year now and hasn't done much for me. I have gone through workbooks and talked a lot, have been to a few meetings here and there, not much happening for me. I once gave up my computer for three weeks and was able to stop my A for the entire time, it wasn't easy. Unfortunately I found I had to have it back in my possession for obvious reasons. My PA involves the computer - videos, chat rooms. I have been engaged once, lived with her and kept up the A. She found out and didn't freak out but the relationship ended, I could not face getting married and having to stay up all night watching the P. Now its a few years later, I have a solid career, I am in my forties, I am a good looking man and have had some more gf's, all with the A. I have a gf now and find myself headed up the same place. I want to get married or at least be in a relationship that is clean of this stuff. It's funny sometimes - I had it really hard growing up - serious physical and emotional issues - and I was able to recover from them and climb the mountain with the help of others. Now I am powerless, I can't climb, I always slip and slip and slip....

Anyone who can relate? Anyway with any suggestions, support, guidance, anything?

[IN NEED OF HELP]

dstine1234

Welcome to TTF
As for relating to your story, in one way or the other we all can. I am sorry that you are not feeling very hopeful right now, but i feel that you should feel hopeful, in wanting this out of your life for good. it can be done, and there are many here that shows it can be done.

You said that you have been seeing an PA therapist for almost a year now and hasn't done much for you. I am curious in why it is not helping you at all. maybe it can be one of two things that it is not helping you. either it is not his main field of work, or you are not following what he suggest you to do?
there are many therapist out there who claim they can help with this matter, yet if they are not a specialist in this field, it may not work for you. if he is a specialist in this field, are you following his directions in what he says to you?
I don't mean to sound harsh at all, but please understand, I will not sugarcoat anything that I say to you, or anyone else. I feel that if you are seeking help, then in one way or the other, it does have to help you at least a little. I am able to this without the help of a therapist. I lean on this wonderful site here, and my SAA meeting. But the one main thing I lean on, to help me out of this life of P, is that I lean on my HEART, in what it says to me, about this addiction. I am no different than you are my friend. my problem were P, MB, CHAT ROOMS, VIDEOS, and before I met my SO, my addiction even included ladys on the streets. I am 55 years old, and have been a addict since I was around the age of 12. and believe me when I say, I was very very deep into my addiction. Why am I telling you this?, because if I can do it, then you can too. I am 9 months free from this crap, and I can swear to you, that I will never go back to that life style again.

If you would have asked me 10 months ago, if I could have stopped this addiction, I would have just looked at you, and ask you, why in the hell should I? It doesn't hurt anyone, and besides, I am a man, and we all do it. It was not until, I destroyed my family that I realized that this crap does hurt, and not only does it hurt only the addict, but it hurts all that around them. when I saw the pain it had on my SO, I knew right then and there, that I had to have this addiction out of my life. and I had to do this, not for them, but I had to do this for me, so I can no longer be that man I was 9 months ago.

I want to see you free from this crap. I want to see you doing all that you can to fight this crap, and keep it out of your life. Easy, hell no, but can it be done, HELL YES IT CAN. But that is up to you, if you are to be free from it. you are going to have to be very willing to do ALL that it takes, to rid yourself from this addiction. it has to be a very HEARTFELT determination within your heart, to come out a winner in this fight.

Like I said, I don't mean to be harsh with my words. but I want you, to take a very good look at yourself, and when I say look at yourself, I want you to look deep into your heart, and see if it is in your heart enough, to get this out of your life. is it in your heart, to find a good recovery plan for yourself, and stick with it. let this plan include in what you will do with any triggers, that you come across. let it include, anything, that will get you to walk away from the computer, when you are stressed, and you want to act out. let it include in how you will react, when you come across a pretty woman on the streets, and only a little of her body is covered in clothes. if you get this plan down, and you stick with it, I promise, it will help you.

One more thing. you said that you been to a few meeting here and there. when it comes to this addiction, there is no here or there. it is all about doing what you can, to fight this addiction. find a meeting that you like, and go on a regular basis. go once a week, or if you can, go twice a week. it is only being around others like you, that can help you in seeing, what it is that you need to do, to come out a winner in this battle. by going to the meetings, you will now have others you can reach out to, when you are struggling with this addiction.

I know I just rambled here, but the thing is, I dont want you to end up like me, and be as deep in it as I was. I want to see you free from this, so you can have a relationship with that special woman, and not allow yourself to share your heart with her, and your addiction. I just want to see you clean, and clan for life.

You are the one that needs to do all of the work, but you have so many here, who are so very willing, to help you through this. we are a large family here, and we love and respect each other. so now that you are part of this wonderful family, your problems with this addiction, is now our problem, so we will stand by you, and help you all that we can

let us know how you are doing, and let us help you. I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery. Fight from your heart, to free yourself from this crap. you can and will do it

Your fellow addict

Gerald

[dstine1234]

Gerald,
I can't thank you enough for everything you just said above. I mean that. I just had a week in which my gf broke up with me, she did not know about my PA but it was looming in the background. I spent two days in bed, called in sick and just now starting to come back above water. So many things you said gave me hope - something I never feel regarding this A. I never feel it, thank you Gerald, I feel some hope. To answer a question - yes this therapist is a trained PA person. In fact, he has trained with one of the biggest names in the field and yes I do pretty much everything he asks. I have done pages in a workbook, I have kept a diary and done a whole lot of self-exploration with him. He's a very nice guy but I have to say he is on the "soft" side and I think I need to move on from him despite his good intentions. With meetings in my area - I prefer the SA meetings over the SAA meetings. I don't feel comfortable at the latter. The only SA meeting within an hour of me is one that I just did not get much out of. The guys in the group were great but to be honest, many were in really really bad shape (I know I am too) in marriages in which their SO had their passwords and knew their every move and they were cheating nevertheless, etc. I did not meet one person who could throw more than three days of non PA together in the time I was there. Mind you I am not judging these people, I hope they find what they are looking for but for me I need more hope in a meeting to give me a reason to go. Your note gave more hope than those meeting provided me with. I hope that makes sense, maybe there are more SA meetings our here than before. I have said what I can say. What I here you saying is that it comes from the heart and I am going to pray on that hard. Again, Gerald I hope you stay in touch and G-d bless you.

[basha]

dstine1234

"Remember Red, Hope is a good thing, may be the best of things, and no good thing ever dies" (Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption)
Welcome to TTF :) I am sorry for how you feel but I do understand and I have been there once. Actually, most of us here has been there. I have not been on TTF for long time, but for real this is a wonderful place with wonderful people. You will find lots of support if you keep coming and posting on daily basis. Secrecy is one of the crucial feature of a PA and with being more open talking about how you feel, you will feel a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders. I am not sure how long have you been involved in PA but I am sure that there is a point in your life when you were P free. Look back at this like you are looking at an old picture of yours and ask your self how can I get this person back.

In need of help just laid the corner stone for you in his great post, yes it is your heart and the power of your determination that will overcome PA. Take it as one day at a time. Come here often to this site and read other people journals and see their stories. I guess your determination will be the main weapon in this battle. It is you or this PA, Let it be you!!

[Teemo]

dstine1234,

It is great that you have looked for help - a counselor, meetings, and this site. Too many people seem to think they can make big changes in their lives without help from others. I don't think that's the way to succeed. If we want to get out of the mess we are in, we have to get help.

There is also a need to be ready to do the really tough work. To be ready to stay with it, even when it seems pointless. Yes, it's a lot of work. No matter how much help and support we find, the real work is all ours. But it is worth it! Getting your life back is worth it!

Wishing you the very best on this journey.

[dstine1234]

Hello friends - haven't been on here in a little while, had a rough bunch of weeks, gf broke up with me, then I got re-assigned at my job, so the PA has been up lately with the stress and some depression, makes me feel less hopeful. It's funny, I generally like myself and my life very much in every way except the PA. I actually feel blessed about that to have many positives in my life and my career and at the same time, I want to end this A, but I have been saying this for so long now, I sometimes wonder if it's possible. I decided to leave a PA therapist whom I was with for almost a year because no progress was made and I did almost everything he asked of me. I am hoping to try a meeting this week, first time in a while for me. Trying to keep my head above water, feeling very mid-forties and wondering if I can really get married one day, I can see the commitment part and other things but can't see the end of the PA. - these my thoughts for the day. Take care everyone.

[Mac]

Dstine welcome to TTF.
I am here to tell you this addiction can be beat.
Councilling, therapists, meetings. All good but, it's you who has to find a way to recover.
It's a different path for everyone, you just have to find yours.
The wealth of information and support you can find here is only limited to what you can grasp onto.
I wish you all the best

Mac

[dstine1234]

Hello everyone, thanks for all your warm responses - I am still new to this site and learning - do people ever find sponsors on this site, people they can talk to on the phone as they would at a meeting? The meetings in my area that I would want to check out are very few and far between, I am wondering if this might be possible here since I have read so many inspiring posts from people in recovery. if someone can get back to me on this one, thanks!!!!

[JenMac]

Hi dstine!
I encourage you to post in this thread, Sobriety circles if you are wanting to find a sponsor. I also encourage you to start a journal in the recovering journal thread to enable you to post your thoughts and feelings. that will assist you greatly on the path to recovery, as well as giving a chance for others to respond with guidance and support.
All the best dstine!
Jenn

[maggie]

Hi Dstine,

I've been reading about the lives torn apart because of this mess since 09. If you scroll thru new members posts & journals for the past few years, you'll see hundreds of men basically telling the same story and asking for help. Some stories involve ruined relationships with gfs, others are facing separation from wife and small children, unfortunately a few even face job loss and legal consequences. Most are dealing with guilt, shame and bewilderment of how something that seemed like fun could turn so dark.

It's clearly a very big problem.

You are single now, but recognize that PA can never be a part of any serious relationship or commitment. It just can't.

I've posted this question before, ' How would your wife/gf feel if she found even one picture that you had hidden of a woman you find attractive, even if she were fully clothed? ' Chances are she would feel betrayed.

Off topic a bit above..

But at this point in your life, worrying about reactions of a SO or gf isn't the main problem. You need to be thinking about you as a person and what kind of choices you want to make in your life.

This (p) is a choice you made freely for years and enjoyed. But, just like everyone else here at TTF, it gets to the point where it is no longer a free choice. It is unmanagable drive to do something over and over... for days, weeks and then years that has to be hidden from the world and especially kept secret from those closest to you. And that is one of the darkest aspects of pornography... it forces its users into isolation, hiding and sneaking from those around them.. It builds barriers between you and the important people in your life.

I don't want to be harsh, but you really are in a position to take back control from this A...now.. before you deeply hurt someone special in your life.