My Story. Introduction #2

[TYC113]

This is a long story, and it's my story.

I've been a P addict since I was 13. P has definitely had an effect on my social life, especially while in high school. I am in college and I'm 21 currently, and I know it has an effect on my social life. Instead of hanging out and making friends, I would come home and start watching porn. My parents weren't at home when I got home because they had to work a lot. So I would get home, do homework quickly, and then get on the computer and start watching P. It was like a regular routine for me every single day. And P basically became my girlfriend. I literally spent my days with it. I didn't want to meet any girls because I had all the girls I needed on my computer within search. What did I need with a girlfriend when I had P, I thought. I also think it affected my social skills because I never really talked to people or hung out with them. I felt isolated from the world like I was in a plastic bubble. But I was okay with that because I was making good grades and I had P. I was fine with things. Or so I thought.

It took two girls to get me there. I have never had a girlfriend before, but I have fallen in love with two girls. Or so I thought. I think I used P as a means to escape pain of telling a real life girl I liked her. I always had fear when it comes to girls because I have never dated and stuff, so I didn't know how to interact with them. Plus, P caused me to see girls as sexually too, which put even more fear in because I knew I was too young for sex. I would see a girl as beautiful and I would get scared to approach them because I know I would have a sex fantasy just by looking at them. It's paradoxical to say the least. I wasn't ready for sex (still not), but was fantasizing about having P sex with every girl. This whole thing stopped me from approaching girls and talking to them.

But there was one girl that was far above the rest for me in high school. Her name was Erin, and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever set my eyes on. She was also the first girl I didn't really picture as a sex object. I really prized her as a beauty. She had beautiful brown eyes, long brunette hair, a model's body, and sun freckles on an incredibly beautiful face. At least, that's what I thought at the time. She also could sing and act as well. She was amazing at both. She had some of the highest soprano I have ever heard and it was beautiful. She also had the leads in every single drama production. I was crazy about her. But I could never approach her because I knew she would never like me. I was convinced that since I watch P, I would never be good enough for her. So I never approached her. But that doesn't mean I never told her my feelings. One day, on facebook, I told her in a long message that I was crazy about her. (Never do this!) I wrote it and sent it to her, and she never responded back to me. Now she avoids me like the plague. I was so saddened by that. I just felt so low after that. Nothing mattered much to me anymore. I fell into a sense of depression from this.

But I fell into an ever deeper depression from another girl, this time in college. Her name was Emma, and she was also so beautiful. She had long flowing blonde hair, and big beautiful brown eyes. She was striking. She was one year older than me in college. She had a long-time boyfriend/fiancee, but they later broke up. She was single my 2nd year, and I wanted to tell her how I liked her. But I felt my wall come up again. I didn't know how to approach her or any girl. I was stuck in motion, and so afraid to tell her. Plus, I couldn't tell her because I felt she was out of my league and she had so many guys approach her that were of higher status than me. So I said to myself that she would never like me. I'm not good enough for her. So I just admired her from afar and was okay with that. But when one day I found out she was walking with somebody, I got jealous. I decided that I needed to tell her I liked her. And I did tell her. I actually wrote her a poem and then told her about it, which shocked and frightened her. She then told me that she was already with somebody, so I lost. But my hardheaded personality didn't give up on her. I kept chasing her, even though I knew it would be to no avail. The chasing even got me in trouble with the dean for stalking, which I was. Once that happened, I gave up trying. And I felt even more lost after that.

Those two girls sunk me into a deeper depression. I started sinking into depression and just felt like dying after that. My mood was always sad, and I just never cared for stuff. I talked to a psychiatrist and she prescribed me xanax and zoloft, but they just never worked. I took them for about 7 months. All they did was make me feel like a zombie. So I stopped taking them, but as soon as I did, I started feeling psycho. I was seeing stuff and going crazy. Eventually I got off the Xanax, so I felt free again.

But I wasn't free. I was still watching P compulsively. I was still watching for hours behind people's backs. And it took one day to really start awakening me to my habit. I was watching P, and after a little while, I started playing with myself like usual. But something happened at the finish which grossed me out. (Please don't judge me for this. I feel sick just thinking about it) I ended up ejaculating all over my computer hardware. I took a look at it, and it scared me. I quickly got up and cleaned it up. I scrubbed and scrubbed as much as I could, but the memory was just gross. I couldn't even stand to look at myself the rest of the day. I felt like a sicko. After that I went to bed and that night changed me.

That night I had a dream about myself. And the dream was me looking at myself. I started to see me for who I truly was, a hateful hypocrite. I used to believe that religious people were hypocrites and bigots, and I looked down at them. I saw myself that night for who I was.The dream showed me masturbating and watching pornography for hours and hours, eyes on the computer screen. The whole dream was me masturbating with no end. Then it showed me at school the next day, so depressed, so lonely with no one coming near him. I looked like a dead person and that scared me. Then there was this one really religious girl that goes to my school, and I saw her. She was talking about God this and stuff, and I got so angry like a demon child. I was yelling at her, calling her names, and saying she was stupid. And she started crying over it. All the while I was still laughing like a depraved maniac for making her cry. I woke up after that and was terrified because I knew that was me I was seeing. And that's how my dream went. And after that, I was never the same. I decided to try and change myself from being my nightmare. I felt I could easily do it. But sadly, no. I still kept masturbating and was still dead inside.

I didn't feel like a change was going on inside of me until my brother came back home. My brother bought me a brand new bible when he was at school. He's very strong Christian, but not a bible thumper. But I instantly just threw it on my bookshelf because I was skeptical of religion. It took until one Sunday to start opening the Bible. My brother wanted me to go to church with him, and he insisted on it. I said I didn't want to, but eventually I backed down and said yes. I was expecting it to be boring, but it really wasn't. I was actually interested and the pastor actually spoke a sermon on something that hit so close to home about feeling broken. It was as if he was speaking directly to me. I went home feeling so confused about things. So I turned to the bible and started to actually read it. I've had bibles before, but I never read them or could understand what they were saying. I actually read it, and was intrigued by it. I was actually captivated by what it had to say. My brother was home only for the summer, and for that whole summer I felt like I was changing. I was reading the Bible more and actually reading what it says, and I saw myself becoming more peaceful and calm.

But I still was able to freely access P and was still able to watch it, when I knew I shouldn't.At the time, I was going to church, but I was still watching and still masturbating to internet P. I was still addicted to it. I felt enslaved to it and I couldn't stop. All I wanted to break free of this, but I did't know where to start. I prayed about it, hoping for an answer. I eventually found one searching the internet for how to break free from pornography. I found a site that tells how to set up parental control filters to stop you from accessing P sites. I applied them onto my computer and they worked. I was able to stay off for a whole month, and for once I felt good. I felt like I was clean, and I would be smooth sailing. But that wasn't the case. I ended up relapsing just yesterday. I felt so low afterwards. I felt like I just had a let down. I was so guilty because I did wrong when I know I shouldn't. I didn't know where to turn, so I looked up forums for pornography addicts and came here. I am hoping that you guys can help me overcome this. I feel I need to be here. I am TyC and I am a P addict.

[burnedout]

Really good story, Ty. I man, not good, but good in the way you told it. Everything except having internet p at such a young age sounds familiar to me (I'm 47, so it wasn't around until well after high school for me). But the difficulty relating to girls (and really, everybody else) sounds familiar to me, as does the fear of just being flat-out evil. I've also been skeptical of religion (and still am in many ways), but I see a lot of value in much of it. Welcome

[TYC113]

Thanks, Burnedout. I think I really needed that dream. Definitely needed it. It woke me up. I think I have less fear of girls now. I can talk to them better and without being so crazy. Actually, I didn't start looking at P. It found my computer through pop-ups and stuff. That's when I first saw it. Yeah, I'm hoping that being here will stop the Internet P from consuming my mind. And I used to be skeptical of religion, there are a lot of bad churches and bad people in religion, but those people will not get me down. I just won't allow them.

[2frustrated]

Thank God for that dream! What a powerful image. Light truly does cast out darkness, eh?

Thank you for sharing your story with such brutal honesty. You shared things that I wouldn't be brave enough to share. Your openness shows just how serious you are about overcoming this.

One thing I noticed about the situation with the two girls you mentioned: you put all your chips in on one bet each time. That is, upon seeing the girl, you decided she was pretty much the one, and then invested all of yourself into the idea of dating that girl. Then when you finally approached her with your feelings, and she said no, you felt completely lost. You threw in all the chips and lost the bet. (Excuse the crude metaphor.) You will have better chances and feel better about yourself if you don't expect so much (bet less chips) and try establishing real friendships with several women (diversify your bets). Once you become friends with someone--without the intention of wanting to date or get laid--you discover the real person behind your constructed idea of them, and only then can you start to know if that person will be a good match for you. Otherwise, you're just putting your whole self into the idea of one person based on infatuation, and then ending up disappointed that the fantasy wasn't real.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Tyc113,
I read your story yesterday and came away perplexed with no words to help or offer you. I still don’t have solutions, but I will tell you this. I am guilty of not protecting you and other young people of your age so that this didn’t get to you at such a vulnerable age and cause you the harm it has. I have been fearful as I learned over the past four years about this infecting our young people and making it possible that some never overcome its infection and go on to be able to have a real life relationship. I know it has warped the expectations of young people, both men and women. Men feel that this is the way a potential partner is and women feel that they must look and perform like the women in p in order to be interesting to a male. It is all lies, Tyc. Lies propagated by p purveyors in order to snare more and more men into addiction. There is no protection from it. Filters go so far, but if your parents weren’t savvy at computers or if they mistakenly thought that he’s going to see this some time, might as well accept it, it explains how it snuck in through the wires and got another victim.
I am sorry we haven’t cleaned this up and protected you and so many others. Average age of first exposure is 11 now, Tyc. If grown men who have received love from a woman in a relationship are vulnerable, how much more so are young boys, who have not had the courage to approach a living, girl or classmate. I am sorry Tyc, I didn’t even know what was out there and how vile and addictive it was. I thought this was something used by perverts, not ordinary men, fathers, brothers, sons, school kids. I hurt knowing that when this was beginning, I did not do anything. You and countless others your age were hurt by people like me not knowing, not using the power of one vote to help change this, not badgering our legislators to purge this from our collective conscience.
Tyc, I can tell you this, if men are visual in nature, as my h and many others claim and as HH of PB recognizes and feeds, women are creatures of hearing. You must converse to win a woman’s attention, let alone her heart. For young men who have spent a majority of their lives playing video games and then watching the faux interactions between the sexes seen in p, this is going to be an area where you are going to have to try really hard at playing catch-up. You are at a real disadvantage here, if I have described you. Start by attending public speaking classes, even if you are taking other courses. You need to be able to translate your thoughts into words, using dialogue to reflect your interests and values. Being able to engage in a humorous banter, that is somewhat open, yet not entirely revealing. You have to approach and not show neediness. Women like men to appear strong and funny. That doesn’t mean you have to go to comedy school, but it does mean you can’t walk up to the beautiful women you have seen repeatedly and in class and fantasized about and think you have a relationship that is strong enough for you to express your feelings of love and commitment as you did with the two young goddesses, who might not have known your name, let along your intentions. In fact, your confessing your love for them with the little bit of interaction that existed before are going to come off pathetic and as coming from someone who “doesn’t have a clue.” As much as you feel you are ready for a live relationship with a real woman as the virtual ones don’t fulfill your needs anymore, you are not ready. It takes time to develop most relationships. Girls want to feel safe and special. They want to feel that they are interesting people, not just attractive bodies.
You might join a book club where people interact about what they have received as they have read a book. The insights gained about how women think will be valueable. If you have a sister, close female cousin, mom, aunt, spend some time with them, and listen. You will learn to hear how women process things and how they think. All of this is important in relating to the opposite sex.
When my boys were growing up, I told them to beware of the prettiest girls in class. Everyone wants the pretty ones, and they don’t have to try hard. With the least excuse, the prettiest ones will scratch off your name, and simply drop to the next name on her dance card (the next fellow who has been flirting and trying to capture their attention), and off they go. It’s sometimes hard to be married to one of these ethereal creatures, as in you have an argument, and there are usually guys waiting in the wings, ready for their chance. You are much better off, I told them, with a girl who is pleasing to look at, but not a knock out, as they develop personalities and are willing to invest and work at a relationship. This is one of the ways P hurts young men. It raises your standards of what is desireable and needed in order to sustain your interest to an unreasonable degree, so that you miss many, many women who would make fine partners and dates.
Don’t get physical too soon, when you meet someone. In spite of what you see on p, most real women are careful, and do not want to get intimate right away. They are afraid of being seen as a slut or promiscuous. There are also diseases out there that are transmitted sexually. You have to be comfortable with each other enough to exchange your past sexual histories and decide on how to be safe together before taking that intimate plunge into intercourse. Most women don’t want simply to stimulate genitals, but want it to be part of a relationship between two caring people, after a period of time of getting to know each other and feeling safe and interested in each other. P lies, Tch. It’s all lies.
Another thing you may run into, and I suspect many of the PAs know about this, is a thing called premature eja-ul-tion. This is a common problem in many young men and PAs. They don’t have to work a slower responding woman into a state where she too, responds with o-g-sm. Many women take up to 20 minutes or more to respond and be ready to have an o. They are really not like the P women who feign having o’s over and over again with the blowing of wind or just the sight of an available man, or in fantasy.
We are just designed to work a little slower. So, this is one of the lies p tells men about women.
My youngest son almost fell over when I told him I wanted him to have a hot, wonderful s-x life, when he was old enough to assume the responsibilities that came with it, and when he was mature enough to be able to select a mature partner who could really be with him and want to be with him. I am blessed Tch, as all three of my kids have found wonderful mates, lasting, loving relationships, and it sure looks like great s-x lives.
This is what I would like for you, but Tch, you are not ready yet. Your body and desire is, but your world and relationship experience is not. I can’t emphasize enough that you are right and intelligent enough to wake up from the lies and fog that P fosters and want the real thing with a real woman. First, you have to learn how to relate as a person. Stay away from pr-st-tut-s, as they are lying to you also. Their interest is your money. You want someone who truly is willing to invest in you, and you in her. That is what a relationship is.
Please read about relationships, the give and take, etc., from Dr. Phil, from intimacy sites on line. You are craving real intimacy, Tch. There is such a thing, and it doesn’t come from P. It comes from the willingness to share and continue to be there.
God bless you as you have wakened and discovered you want and need more.
disillusioned

[lost_one]

hey TYC113..

First of all welcome to TTF and i would like to congratulate you on letting all those secrets out.. its one of the most important step one has to take I believe.

OK, now pardon my English.. and also I don't consider myself in a position to advise anyone in this case.. however I felt like what you said here relates to me in many ways..

P has made me socially disconnected.. no real friends.. can't talk well to girls face to face.. memory problems.. less concentration.. loss of opportunities.. and many more..

i'm 24 now.. same situation.. started P from school when i was 15 bcuz of my bad frds i dont like to call them frds though better call them spoiled kids.. got curious into this world of P and started exploring more n more.. i also made myself socially cut off.. assuming that i am far better than hanging out with real people.. having no addictions at all.. like drugs.. smoking.. drinking.. etc.. considered P to be much more safer and relaxed.. i was also getting good grades actually first position at school and then in college and in university i topped.. but it was not because i was good at studies.. it was bcuz most of the time i would memorize stuff but not understand.. To the girls at college and university I was also a good looking and attractive guy.. but i would always keep a distance and was happily married to P whenever i needed it.. There was this nice and good girl at uni who became my very good friend and always cared for me in everything.. she wanted to form a relationship.. but i was unused to it and i didn't had that much interest in her either.. so i thought lets not spoil her life and lets not get her into my secret life anyway.. inexperienced of conversations i told her i don't like you bye.. selfish but good for her.. cuz she didn't knew the real me.. ok.. then all this time i had this another imaginary love on internet.. since i was 16 till 23.. thats another long story.. but it was a clean frdship though.. we never ever talked about P or anything nasty.. she was a good girl and i have always and will respect her.. i still would keep my secret life always with me.. a click away from me whenever i needed it.. but all n all internet is internet and real is real i told her one day that i love her and she was like surprised but ok fine u r so far away and i was not so rich that i could get to her so soon.. and after a year she couldn't wait any longer and told me she is seeing someone.. i was so hurt.. but then i found out and knew that i had this addiction which she didn't knew about.. and i realized that it was me who had a problem..

I found this place like in december 2010 and started reading books and articles.. researching.. joining other forum communities.. but from my experience TTF has been the best support among all.. cuz here you will find many beautiful, experienced and supportive people around you.

i should also tell u that personally during all this time what has truly helped me is whenever i had a good reason to stop.. a better plan to move with.. which will always keep me focused.. the bad part is that i never had a long term plan though.. once for two months then it finished.. and i relapsed.. now for 42 days again with a fragile plan.. but u may have a good and strong one to start with.. so go ahead think about what you really want to do with your life.. and who do you want to be.. find that REASON.. I am sure you will find peace in it.. Best of luck!!

[Disillusioned]

Lost_one,
My generation, and me personally, did not protect you from this plague. For that I am deeply sorry. I just didn't know what was out there and how addictive it was. Growing up, it was dirty, old men who went to dirty, little stores and looked at crap. It got mainstream with HH and PB starting in the late 50's. I didn't even know about that till I was an older teen. I was shocked at what other women looked like, and I felt so inadequate and that I had nothing worthwhile to give.
To you and countless others who are addicted, to the young developing women out there, I wish I could have done something to protect all of you, as my generation was to look out for future generations.
God bless both of you young men, as you struggle with something that older generations should have eradicated long ago. If it's any comfort, many of my generation are experiencing the aftermath of this plague also. It has hurt many of us terribly, wasted valueable time, and caused long-lasting relationship pain. You dear young ones haven't even had the beauty and enjoyment of a real relationship yet. That is what hurts me most.
Love is the best feeling in the world. When it is given, and returned, and allowed to grow, you are more than two people. You accomplish more than two single people going their own ways in life could have accomplished. Someone has your back, and you, theirs. There is someone safe on his pillow in the bed next to you. You have the pleasure and sensuality of brushing your legs against the other at night. You wake up and find there is someone next to you who has seen you at your worst, morning hair, bad breath and all, and will be with you again at night. I want that for each of you. I want you to wake up treasuring the person who loves you and all her beauty, freely given to you. I want you to not be disappointed if she doesn't look like a p model, but able to see her wonder and be awed by it. I want you to have your shot at fulfillment, walking the higher road, and being the good man that nature intended you to be. My best wishes to both of you, and to all the others struggling in the aftermath of this modern infection called p.
disillusioned

[lost_one]

Lost_one,
My best wishes to both of you, and to all the others struggling in the aftermath of this modern infection called p.
disillusioned

Thank you sir.. for the valuable suggestions.. and you don't have to be sorry for us.. I think we all have time when every thing is in our control.. but that is true that parents and elders should have proper monitoring plans for their kids.. and so does many others should keep in mind their responsibilities.. but I believe that still God shows each and every human being the right way.. and then its in up to them whether to choose right or wrong..

you are a helping us already by sharing your experiences and suggestions.. so thanks again

[TYC113]

Yes, I am so thankful for the dream that I had. That was the wake up call. I think I am able to be brutally honest with myself because I can finally see myself for who I was and am now. Just last year, I thought I was absolutely amazing and could do no wrong. Well, maybe not that, but I thought I was so great and fly (excuse the colloquial term). But now I know now that I am not all I thought I was.

And you are absolutely right. I think I saw the two girls as the one that I would want to be with forever. I thought of them as the one, like I'd want no other. Once I thought that, I invested all my energy into them and wanting to be with them. And once it didn't work out, I instantly felt dejected and fell into a depressed state. I think that's what happened. You are right. I think to be honest I shouldn't even say I was in love. I was obsessed with them, which isn't love at all. That's more of possessiveness. I wanted to be with them and for them to be with me. No one else.

To be honest with you, 2frustrated, the best thing happened to me when Erin & Emma said no to me. If I had gotten into a relationship with them, I would have been trying to control them, and I would have hurt them with my old possessiveness. The relationship would have probably died, and then I would have been even more depressed. It would have been ugly if I had dated them. I was just not ready for a relationship. I am still not ready for one. I think I realize that now. I need to really be by myself and focus of fixing this part. I know I will always be flawed, but I also know that before I enter any form of a relationship, I need to fix this or I will hurt myself and someone else along the way.

I realize that I am just not ready to be with somebody. I need to be single for some time. Everything that has happened to me is telling me that, I think.

[Disillusioned]

"I need to fix this or I will hurt myself and someone else along the way." quote from Tyc.

You need time to get P out of your life, to learn to relate to others, to get your expectations of what a normal,girl looks like physically and how she responds. You need time. AS far as being flawed, Tyc, there is not a soul that shows up here that is not flawed, even the ones who have never gotten into p. Being flawed is a part of the human condition. Look at your folks. Were either of them perfect? If they weren't, how in the world could you possibly be?

The thing we need to concentrate on right now, is getting rid of the p, which tends to want to grab you again when you are frustrated, lonely, or feeling overwhelmed. So have an action plan ready for those times, and remember to keep physically active as well. The pull of p is a lot less when you are spent from physical activity and know you have to get up and do it again tomorrow.
Good luck as you get your life in order.

Do me a favor, when you do become intimate with a live woman, please look to see all her beauty. Don't let what you have seen on p disappoint you when you see someone who REALLY wants to share themselves with you. P is a lie. A woman who wants you, wants you, and is not just acting to cameras and trying to sell a product. Real is just that...sometimes with folds, sometimes not as ridiculously proportioned as p queens. Real is about the intimacy, the real thing, being given and received. You are not ready for this yet, but I am hoping if you do the work and learn, re-adjust your thinking, you will some day be the apple in some young lady's eye. My best to you and all the other PAs that are struggling to be the better men that they are capable of being.
disillusioned