My Story. Introduction #2

[TYC113]

Thank you very much for the advice, Maggie. I am thankful. I think I know it will still be hard to talk and socialize for me, but I am hoping that it will be an easier thing to do now rather than when I would watch P for hours and hours. That's all I am hoping for. I just need to learn how to talk to people and not feel out of touch with the world. There are some things that I don't want to ever do, but I feel like I am backwards in society sometimes. I don't really know anyone who is remotely like me. I guess that's why my mother is my best friend. We talk all the time and we share so many of the same interests. Plus, she understands me pretty well. But I would actually like a friend other than my mom. Someone that I could, I don't know, share my personality with, I guess. I haven't had that in a really long time.

I am a little worried that I'll make some sort of mishap and do something to make someone angry or make them think I am weird. I don't want to hurt somebody.

[TooSensitive]

Tyc, you will do all those things. You will make mistakes. You will make someone angry. Others may find you weird. You will even inadvertently hurt someone, with no intention of doing so.

But once you’ve built your confidence, which will increase the longer you are out of the p, you will be less likely to do any of these things. You are already a good person. You’re just sharpening your life skills at this time. But you do have good bones, if you will. You have a good foundation. I can see that in your writing. You are already on your way to becoming a better person, and the best person you can be.

As your confidence builds, you will start to believe in yourself. And when you do, you won’t have so many fears about making mistakes or upsetting another. First of all, you will then be less likely to do so in the first place. Second of all, if you do make a mistake, you will quickly learn from it, and you will quickly do what’s necessary to make amends. Sometimes how the mistake is mishandled is what hurts more than the actual mistake.

We all make mistakes, no matter how much we can be considered a good person. None of us are perfect, b/c we are all human, and to be human means imperfection.

As you gain your footing, you will eventually either naturally gravitate towards those who do not find you weird, as they will do toward you; or you will naturally gravitate towards those who appreciate your uniqueness, as they will do toward you. You will discover just who you click with, and be able to more easily let go of those with whom you don’t. You will not like everyone, and everyone will not like you, no matter how likeable you become. But when we believe in ourselves, more people than not will like us. And if they don’t, it doesn’t matter so much.

I see such a fine young man in you, tyc. Someone with a rare depth and ability to express himself in such an honest way. A man who is discovering who he wants to be. A life free of p will allow you to start figuring out the rest. Be patient with yourself, give yourself time, do the hard work of recovery, keep up that sincere motivation to stay clean and to want to become a better person, and it will all start to fall into place for you.

My h’s CSAT (therapist) told him that recovery requires turning yourself inside out. If you are willing to do that, and it seems you are, then you will achieve a high level of recovery for yourself. You will stay on that path of becoming a better person. Other people out in the real world will see you just as we already do here. Look at how much of an impact you have already made on us. I can’t say I remember seeing 3 pages in this section in such a short period of time! You have reached out to us, and we are reaching back to you. You will grow in ways you feared you would not. You’ll see. Just keep coming here, and absorb as much as you can, and before you know it, you will start to feel happy with yourself.

And having your faith, as in your religious beliefs, will only help you along the way. Pray for strength and guidance, and it will come your way. God might not help us win the lottery, but he will help us find our own virtues, if we ask him to.

[TYC113]

Thank you, Toosensitive, you are just far too sweet. It is such a great thing. I guess I will have to find a good group of friends who will be there for me. I haven't had that in my life. It would be pretty cool to have that. Someone I could talk to without having to talk about the next football or basketball game. Someone who is just interested in getting to know the in-depth me. I don't think I've ever had that, only people who think they know me via exterior. I would kinda like that. So I hope that you're right in the fact that being P free would help me develop social skills. It would be great. You're right. I need to have faith.

You know, I wish I could meet some of you in real life because you all are so caring and nice, at least to me on the internet. I don't know you all personally, but here you guys are really nice. If you guys are in real life like you are here, you guys who have been speaking to me would be cool people to talk to. Just saying.

[exteberria]

Hey TYC,

As another young man (23) who had to deal with this problem, I could suggest some self-help audio programs if your interested?

There's one guy that I really like that focuses on what is naturally the best way to go about things in life, even including things like dating. He's quite good, and he doesn't promise things like 'instant changes' or 'magic progress', he more focuses on the core elements of going about your life and believes success will come in the long term (1 to 2 years), not just the pure short term (next week).

I am progressing myself, and I would attribute a lot of my current healthy behaviours to this particular author.

[2frustrated]

TYC,

As you begin to heal and become more open as a person, you will make new friends--friends that really care and listen.

[TooSensitive]

tyc, I was thinking some more about you today. Are there any SA/SAA meetings in your area? Though they did not work well in some respects for my h, they do have their merits, and there are others here who have benefitted from them. Some of them don't seem to be as good a fit if you are in a relationship, but since you aren't, then that would not be an issue. If you go, not only will you have reinforcements out in the real world in terms of maintaining sobriety and achieving recovery, you will also find you are not alone, and you will make new friends there, most likely. It can be what you make of it.

[TYC113]

All right. Thank you for that. I hope that happens for me. I just need to find the right person to open up to.

[JenMac]

Hey TYC!
I am sorry you are experiencing difficulties! I am pulling for you in your recovery and wishing you strength and healing!
TYC, you are in a good place here. It doesn't replace what you need in your everyday life, but it is a great place to start sharing your story and learning how to relate to people.
Pour your heart out here TYC! We are listening!
All the best!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Hi Tyc,
I wanted to respond to your football and sports-minded buddies. They may be feeling just as insecure as you do in revealing your true self. Our society has done a terrible job on making little boys into bigger boys who are not to express their feelings and who must never cry, and then we pounce on them when they can't understand a woman's feelings, or another person's feelings who might be hurting. This has happened to many of our PAs here. They lose touch with those feelings as a way of shutting them off and not showing what is considered a sign of weakness by emoting or having empathy. It's easy to dissect the body parts of a strange woman when you don't recognize her as a human being. You can't see your own humanity or emotions. They have to be turned off so we are "manly." God help the poor kid that skins his knee and cries in school, or the kid that the bully beats up...that he should lose the fight and cry too. This lack of being willing to acknowledge emotions is also part of this addiction thing.
What do they tell you when you go into the military. "Okay, Girls. We're not you're mamas. Now get your a--es out of those bunks and get moving." In other words, expect no mercy, and they will tolerate no softness on your part.
I long for a world where all people can understand other people and their needs and their emotions, and we don't have to cover it up by putting on a safe front that meets the world and hides all the pain underneath. Unfortunately, you and I and all the others here have to live in that world, so be very careful about who you chose to reveal yourself. It will be likely that the person is feeling some of the same things you do, but that he will not allow himself to admit it.
I still favor a public speaking class, or book of the month group, or even the SA group that was suggested earlier. You can take a writing class, anywhere that is safe for both men and women to open up and be who they really are. A lot of young people go to bars so they can drink and relax social inhibitions, and later say, I was really drunk, when in reality, they were hurting and let some of it out. Try to share parts of yourself where you are safe doing so. I so know the pain of feeling like a fifth wheel on a cart.
It doesn't go away easily, but it surely does get better.
Think I told you I isolated myself pretty badly after discovering what my h had been doing for 37 years. I felt like I had a big gash down the front of my chest that everyone could see. I got to the place I could no longer hide the hurt. I would shake when I had to go out and be around people. I have been pushing myself, and I am better. I actually look forward to get togethers again.
It has taken me time, and I always had what is called 'social anxiety.' It will get better. Don't let one disappointment or even ten put you down. You can do this. There will be people with whom you can click. I also recommend some reading about body language to help you. As a nurse, I have become a pretty quick reader of this stuff.
I just feel like you are going to make it Tyc. Please let us know how you are doing. Everyone here really does care, and I know we all feel bad that this stuff was present in your formative years, when back sometime ago, we might have been able to eradicate it.
disillusioned

[TYC113]

Hi Tyc,
I wanted to respond to your football and sports-minded buddies. They may be feeling just as insecure as you do in revealing your true self. Our society has done a terrible job on making little boys into bigger boys who are not to express their feelings and who must never cry, and then we pounce on them when they can't understand a woman's feelings, or another person's feelings who might be hurting. This has happened to many of our PAs here. They lose touch with those feelings as a way of shutting them off and not showing what is considered a sign of weakness by emoting or having empathy. It's easy to dissect the body parts of a strange woman when you don't recognize her as a human being. You can't see your own humanity or emotions. They have to be turned off so we are "manly." God help the poor kid that skins his knee and cries in school, or the kid that the bully beats up...that he should lose the fight and cry too. This lack of being willing to acknowledge emotions is also part of this addiction thing.
What do they tell you when you go into the military. "Okay, Girls. We're not you're mamas. Now get your a--es out of those bunks and get moving." In other words, expect no mercy, and they will tolerate no softness on your part.
I long for a world where all people can understand other people and their needs and their emotions, and we don't have to cover it up by putting on a safe front that meets the world and hides all the pain underneath. Unfortunately, you and I and all the others here have to live in that world, so be very careful about who you chose to reveal yourself. It will be likely that the person is feeling some of the same things you do, but that he will not allow himself to admit it.
I still favor a public speaking class, or book of the month group, or even the SA group that was suggested earlier. You can take a writing class, anywhere that is safe for both men and women to open up and be who they really are. A lot of young people go to bars so they can drink and relax social inhibitions, and later say, I was really drunk, when in reality, they were hurting and let some of it out. Try to share parts of yourself where you are safe doing so. I so know the pain of feeling like a fifth wheel on a cart.
It doesn't go away easily, but it surely does get better.
Think I told you I isolated myself pretty badly after discovering what my h had been doing for 37 years. I felt like I had a big gash down the front of my chest that everyone could see. I got to the place I could no longer hide the hurt. I would shake when I had to go out and be around people. I have been pushing myself, and I am better. I actually look forward to get togethers again.
It has taken me time, and I always had what is called 'social anxiety.' It will get better. Don't let one disappointment or even ten put you down. You can do this. There will be people with whom you can click. I also recommend some reading about body language to help you. As a nurse, I have become a pretty quick reader of this stuff.
I just feel like you are going to make it Tyc. Please let us know how you are doing. Everyone here really does care, and I know we all feel bad that this stuff was present in your formative years, when back sometime ago, we might have been able to eradicate it.
disillusioned

Yeah, I don't want to drink, so bars are out of the question for me. It's just not for me. The book group doesn't sound bad, though. I used to have really bad social anxiety, but now I am somewhat self-conscious and critical of myself. I happen to overanalyze things. So you're not alone on that, it's hard for me too. I feel I have gotten better at it since quitting Xanax, though. That's a plus.

And I completely understand your view on my football friends. They like sports and they like to talk about that, not their feelings. Football is more interesting to them than that, so I get it. So I understand you on that one. Thank you very much for clearing it up.

Yes, I feel like I desensitized myself to women due to P and would only look at girls for their hair, faces, butts, & breasts. Sorry, my mind was fixated on P. It's how my mind operated. If I saw a girl with those things, I would instantly fantasize in a P way and want to MB. It was all I really cared about, and I didn't really look at anything else when it came to girls. It was hard for me to look at girls in a non-sexual way. The only girls that were my friends were the ones I weren't attracted to. If they were attractive to me, I would get away from them because I knew I wouldn't really handle myself. So it is tough for me to handle a woman's emotions because I just never had the courage and control to talk to one. I don't know how to really speak to women on that level. Most of my conversations with girls kinda go like this: "Hey, how are you? That's great. Well, I got something I have to do, I better be going." Really lame like that. Once I get past the how are you, I don't really know where to go with the conversation or what's a good topic to keep the conversation going. I'm weird like that.

But anyway, thank you very much for the advice, Disillusioned. I will remember it. Talk about myself in places where it is safe to do so with safe people. Thanks.