Finally posting....

[LostLady]

I've been visiting this site for four months and finally decided to post. Long story short....married 31 years, had no idea whatsoever that my H had an p/m problem. Caught him in March and my life will never be the same. He admitted to 3-4 times/week, for maybe 5-6 years. I don't know if he could ever really tell me the extent of it all. He is horribly shameful, sorry, humiliated and working to regain my trust. He realizes that I have been devastated, degraded and my world is upside down. We are not in counseling. He is open with his computer use and knows that I check. Work is not conducive for p viewing and he doesn't have the internet on his phone. He has become a different husband. It's as though he has awoken from a dream and suddenly sees me for me and appreciates it! I have asked him if he has urges and he tells me no. He repeatedly tells me about his humiliation in getting caught. My H is a proud, strong personality and this has been a very humbling experience for him. Am I being naive in believing that he can stop cold turkey? In general, he is a very disciplined person. Initially, I thought I would lose my mind. I have experienced every emotion, that every SO has described on this site. I feel as though I almost have a split personality! Good days and then dark ones..... He has given me no reason to think that there has been anymore p/m garbage. I am still paranoid that he is somehow sneaking around behind my back. I haven't asked him for a while if he has viewed because I almost feel guilty since he seems to be working so hard to change. Am I being lax? As bizarre as this sounds, in some ways, our marriage has never been better. We are both much more honest and open with each other. He is willing to talk about all of this whenever my need arises, although he does not talk about it himself ever. This site is a God send! I seriously do not think I could have remotely even functioned without the daily visits here. Thank you to all of you who bare your souls to perfect strangers who need serious answers, guidance and support!

[Hopeful]

Hi LostLady and welcome to TTF.

When I read this I could feel all of your pain. It is almost identical to my life one year ago. I am so sorry you are going through this but I think I can answer a few questions for you.

In March of 2010 I confronted my husband, HopefulsRock, and he has been in recovery ever since that day. So the answer is yes, they certainly can go cold turkey and lose all desire to every look at any of that stuff again. I know my H has done this and so has Mac.

I also know how you can feel guilty about asking him if he has done anything you should know about but to be honest....it's a lot easier to just talk and ask than to wonder. When I wonder about anything and don't ask him about it, it tends to turn into a huge deal in my mind and then ends up turning out to be nothing. If I would have just asked immediately all that worry could have been avoided.

As for feeling like he could still be sneaking around behind your back. That one is a toughie.....I still at times find myself having that same worry. Our trust has been broken and even though we want to be able to give them the trust they once had it is going to take time and a lot of patience on their part.

I'm so glad to hear how your H has recognized the effects of this and is helping you to heal. That is so important! It certainly sounds like he is heading in the right direction.

You are so right, TTF is a Godsend!!! I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the love and support of so many wonderful people here!

[HopefulsRock]

LostLady... sorry your here but welcome to TTF!

My Hopeful just read your post to me and I thought she actually was reading her own thoughts from a year ago... so very similar! That day in March a year ago when she confronted me was not like waking from a dream but rather like being thrown a life preserver when I was drowning in the addictive sea of P & MB. For me I quit that moment and never looked back but I can't say that it was cold turkey because I wanted and tried to quit several times on my own but just couldn't make it happen! Realizing it is a problem and it's not OK and then quitting is the first step and it had to happen but then changing the way we were and regaining that trust that was lost is a much longer process that takes a lot of effort and it sounds like your husband has no problem putting in that effort! I will say as bizarre as it may seem that unfortunately we never could have got to where we are today in our relationship and feel the emotions between each other had it not been for traveling through these flames of addiction! ...I look forward to sharing more of our stories and our journey's of recovery!

I hope you find the strength and hope to get past this and I also hope that your husband can join us here because another similarity between us is that we sought no counseling in this either but here at TTF it's like having a thousand counselors who can all relate to what your going through and aren't afraid to set you straight or back you up if you get off the path a bit... and it's all FREE! ...and priceless!!!

[dave42]

Dear LostLady: So glad that you found this website and posted your first message. What I liked so much in your post was this, "It's as though he has awoken from a dream and suddenly sees me for me and appreciates it!" I am a recovery porn and sex addict and in my recovery I've learned a new way of seeing my partner -- a much better way! For me, recovery has been a continual pattern of 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Thanks to this website, I was able to get some sobriety. I attribute my success here to the many people who supported me -- people recovering from addiction and their partners. I also recommend SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) for your husband, and for SO's, COSA. I can't speak about COSA, since I haven't been involved, but SAA has helped me a great deal. Thanks to SAA, I have 18 months of sobriety. I hope you write many more messages and become involved in this wonderfully supportive online community. God bless you and your husband!

[LostLady]

Hi Hopeful and HopefulsRock,

Just your names give me encouragement! Thanks so much for responding. Your situation and ours does seem very similar and I totally agree that my H and I would not be where we are if not for this mess. New meaning for "No pain, no gain!" ! My H is a really good man....good father, provider and family man. I really believe that his p/m problem didn't damage any other part of his life other than our relationship, which I'm thankful for. I wish he would come on here, but I don't think it will happen. He is so humiliated about this, that if I never mentioned it again, it would be but a distant memory. He can be a modest person and I think it would be just too much for him. Obviously, if any new incidents occur, we both will be seeking professional help. Hopeful...did you find it awkward asking him about any relapses? It's so hard to control my emotions and as hard as I try, it must be obvious that I have a "murky" head sometimes. I really don't want to appear to be looking for trouble when there's none there. I feel he got discouraged the last time I asked even though he did talk about it. He has issues with mild anxiety and it makes me really uneasy when he has bouts because I feel that it really contributed to his p/m issues. I know he is comforted by my presence and he knows that I am working hard to trust again. Seeing the partnership and solidarity that you two have is real boost for me. Nothing like a positive example in front of you!

[Crisodian]

LostLady,
A warm welcome to TTF. I am the wife (SO) of a PA who has been in recovery since 2009. My husband is here too, although not as much recently as Artguy34.

There is hope and healing as the SO of a PA. I would encourage you to start a journal in the Partner's section where you can seek input and support on the path towards healing.

Find peace,
~C~

[LostLady]

Dave~

Thanks for your kind words! I am glad that I finally posted....the response already has been wonderful! I want you to know that my H's appreciation, kindness, and love for me has really helped me to try to heal. I hope your partner feels the same. I am a fairly strong person and this has bored into the deepest part of my soul. I will survive this regardless of the outcome. I truly do feel that my marriage will be better for it. I just need to get past all the negative garbage that creeps about sometimes! Keep up your hard work....I hope your partner takes comfort and encouragement from it.

[Hopeful]

I have to tell you that my H didn't think at all that he would be on this site either. One weekend I told Rock that another member had said...any SO on here without their PA is already starting out behind the eight-ball. For some reason that clicked in his head and he joined the next day and I can't tell you how much that changed everything for us.

As for feeling awkward asking him about relapses...I still ask at times how he is doing and yes it is awkward. I feel bad doing it but sometimes I just have to hear it. He can always tell when there is something on my mind now and that we need to talk about it....so that "murky" head is very real but it did take awhile for us to be as open and honest as we are today.

It's a slow process LostLady but it will get better everyday and with every conversation you have.

[JenMac]

Hi LostLady!
Welcome to TTF!
As you can see we have a wonderfully supportive community here. I am glad you have found us.
LostLady, my H Mac and I have many similarities to your situations as well. We have been married over 30 years and this discovery knocked me for a loop. It has taken a lot of work but we are in a much better place now. Like you, my H was wonderfully soothing to my soul. He nurtured me throughout my healing, then and now. Also like you, I knew I would survive this! I knew I was strong, even though I didn't feel that way at times!
LostLady, I am glad that your H is moving forward in a positive way! That is a very good thing. What I have found important for mac and I throughout this time is to keep this in the forefront, to really never let it die, to discuss it continually. Now that may seem contrary to moving on, but for us it has helped to foster a connection that is deeper and feels more real than ever before. This troubled time has has turned out to have a lot of positives attached to it. Sounds so very strange to say but true none the less.
LostLady, I too hope that your H will choose to come here. I believe that by learning to communicate about this he will learn to put aside some of the embarrassment and shame that goes along with this allconsuming addiction. It is true that when we acknowledge and take responsiblity for our actions we can learn to let go of the humiliation that comes from bad choices. Being willing to go there is necessary for both of your healing. I think it becomes easier with time most often.
LostLady, there are a lot of good men here, just like your H. Good men who made poor choices and got sucked into the trap of P. Sad but true. I am so glad that you feel this way about your H. I felt/feel the same about mine. It tells me that you guys have something worth fighting for! Seems like you are on your way!
I am glad you are here!
All the best!
Jenn