Trying to stop!

[moxex]

Hi all..

Im new here.. ill tell you a bit about my story with porn. I think I was like 9-10 the first time I saw porn. I didnt even know it existed but I was at a friends house who was a troublemaker. His parents let him do what he wanted for the most part. I remember him showing me a video on his computer and it was a long time ago but I remember feeling naughty or something for looking at it.. I dont think I felt really sexually excited though. From that point on though, I knew there was another side to this interesting thing called the internet.. this was back in the late 90's. Eventually I got my own computer, at first my parents didnt let me have the internet on it.. so I had to use my moms really slow lap top.. I remember trying to find exciting stuff like porn and buying fireworks when my mom wasnt around.. still pretty innocent.. eventually I got my own internet connection.. Then I remember going over to another friends house when I was like 13 and he showed me a lot of porn and even printed me out collections of pictures.. and he had a porn dvd he watched.. I remember watching it with him and my brother and he masturbated right infront of us which was kind of odd.. Soon enough my hormones were raging and I was compuslively masturbating.. atleaast once a day most days it was 2/3 times.. this was when I was 15-16-17 .. this is when I started really getting into porn.. at night when my parents would go to sleep I would stay up late looking at porn and masturbating.. then I would go to school the next day exhausted. For a few years I would just watch prettty standard porn.. but even back athen I remember going through many different fetishes.. I was into \***************************I suppose I was learning about myself but I went through a lot of phases. Maybe this was escalation starting way back then. Porn became a normal part of my life at that point.. around 18 I had sex for the first time, which was very exciting.. I felt like some of my friends had been having sex a while before me so it felt good to catch up with them.. then I started seeing a girl more regularly and we were having lots of sex and smoking lots of pot. This is when sex really became super exciting.. I couldnt get enough.. then I moved away and so did she.. I lived with some friends for a while and wasnt getting laid so I went back to late night porn for the next 2 years.. I did get **** once in that time but it was a one off thing. Me and the girl got back together and went back to lots of sex.. She was into porn as well so eventually we watched some together and I convinced her to let me take videos/pictures of us having sex. She reluctantly agreed. We had sex almost everyday, but if she wasnt up to it one night I would look at porn.. I couldnt go a day without sexual stimulation. After a few years this girl left me.. this was a year ago.. I havent had sex in a year and ive got back into porn big time.. with continued escalation.. the good thing is, I dont mastrubate everyday.. I have enough self control/sense that I space it out, I try to space it out as much as possible because I want to build my vital energy. but sometimes its every other day sometimes every 2 days/3 days..

However, like I said it keeps escalating.. when I first looked at porn years ago it was normal sex that turned me on, now its ****************************************and its not even porn but I find myself getting excited trying to find pictures like this and its starting to worry me.

Ive also had other addictions over the years.. was a major pothead for many years.. and I used to drink a lot and do other drugs (college years).

Ive realised more and more that porn is not healthy. Just like it took me a while to believe pot was unhealthy.. now I see that porn is unhealthy too.. but for a long time I thought there was nothing wrong with porn (as long as it doesnt hurt anyone) and this opinion was bolstered by other people.. so I felt validated.. especially having a girlfriend who was into it. Lately though ive become really into health.. and I want to be as healthy as I can in every way, mentally, physically, spiritually. Ive been learning about what porn does to the brain and I know view it as like a drug.. I want my brain chemistry to be balanced, I want to have a healthy view of sexuality, I want a new girlfriend and a healthy sexual relationship.. Its hard right now because I havent been with a girl in a year and I live by myself and have lots of free time and a fast internet connection.. overstimulation is just a click away any time of day.. I feel like if I just have a moment of weakness its so hard to control.. Also ive noticed whenever I get stressed out i feel an intense urge to masturbate/look at porn.. another problem is, I still have pictures/videos of me and my ex having sex and I keep looking at them and it reels me back into looking at other stuff online. Ive tried to delete them a few times but I keep regretting it and finding a way to recover them. Also lately.. after I look at porn/MB I say to myself "okay im gonna stop this stuff now" and then a few days later im horny again and I tell myself "oh its fine, its not a big deal" then before long im deep into some crazy porn. I hate how it sucks me into the computer.. like I start watching it and im not paying attention to my body or anything but the screen and an hour or two will go by.. makes me feel like a zombie.

Its become a way for me to deal withs tress.. because I dont use drugs anymore this has taken its place.. what can I do to when I feel stressed and I have a lot of free time in the afternoon ?

[moxex]

Ill mention that ive also had anxiety/OCD problems over the years which I feel contributes to addiction problems.

[moxex]

A problem ive had is.. when I decide to quit which ive done many times.. then when I 'relapse' it seems much worse.. like, its almost like I feel like I lose control so I really let it go and look at the most extreme stuff etc.. rather then having a more balanced approach.. I feel ike ive been escalating a lot the past 2 weeks.. and now ive seen more extreme stuff so the high is more intense and I feel strong urges right now...

Also, how do you avoid feeling bad about yourself? Because, in the past I tell myself porn isnormal , nothing wrong with it and comfort myself and I dont have low self esteem but once I decide its bad and work on quitting, then when I relapse I feel really bad about myself which I dont want to feel.

[exteberria]

Welcome Moxex.
Just one thing with your posts, try not to use so many explicit words in your posts. These words can be triggers for people to start looking at p.
I'm also someone that grew up with p. I have not used p in over a year, but I still have big problems with m. Please check out my first post.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Moxex, just wanted to welcome you to TTF. This is a safe community of folks who are looking for support in ridding themselves of the addiction to P & MB is what we prefer to call it here. Just a quick note... we try to be careful of being to graphic or explicit in these forums because it is a public place and it can be triggering to some of our members.

Congratulations on realizing how damaging this is to your and any relationship you try to have and on finding TTF. I wish you much success in your recovery and would like to let you know that it's a process that takes time but well worth every bit of effort you put into it!

[moxex]

Thanks guys, sorry about the inappropriate wording - I didn't take the time to read the forum rules, wont happen again :)

Thats awesome exteberria that you haven't used porn in a year! Must feel great.. I haven't gone that long without P probably since the first time I saw it 12 years ago.. Ok.. just saying that is crazy to me.. I just realized ive looked at porn for half of my life!!! Im 24 now, the first time I saw it I was 12.. thats crazy..

I know I can stop this.. I was addicted to marijuana for many years and I quit it completely 5/6 months ago and now I have no urge to smoke it at all, in-fact I dont like it anymore.. I know I can get to this place with P..

With the pot, I think what finally led me to quit was deeply, internally I realized it was not healthy and was harming my body and mind, and something shifted internally and I no longer had the desire any more..

I think for a long time other people and myself have been telling me porn is ok - so I keep using it. Even people who really know what they are talking about - ive had therapists tell me porn is ok etc. but all that does is give me internal permission to keep using it.. and a week ago I read an article that stated that extreme porn is normal to want to see.. which is true, but at the time I was trying to stop watching P and reading that I though "see it is normal, theres nothing wrong here, im gonna watch it later"..

I think thats what im strugglng with right now is like.. on the one hand realizing that it is completely natural to want to watch P and even escalate to more and more extreme P.. but just because its a natural urge doesnt mean its healthy.. As we all know - part of what makes P so difficult to stop is that it taps into our primal desire for sex.. So im trying to change my beliefes/view of sexuality - where I really believe porn is negative and unhealthy - but while I do that I want to make sure I dont develop some other messed up view and start viewing sex or being horny as unhealthy because its not. Its natural for men to desire sex with women.. But P is not real.. its an illusion.. its imagination.. I/we become addicted to imagining instead of living reality.

Ive also struggled with premature ejaculation at times in the past and im starting to think theres a connection with P.. its like, if im constantly stimulating my brain with sexual imagination/fantasy/images then it makes it harder to simply relax and be in the moment and not fantasize when with a girl.. I think if I could have sex and be calm and relaxed and just enjoying it there would be less premeature ejac. and sexual anxiety.

Any advice for how to deal with this as a single guy? I really feel it would be easier if I had a girlfriend.. in the past when I had a girlfriend I did still look at P - but only if we hadnt had sex that day or something.. if I had a girlfriend I would have a sexual outlet for my libido and I would also be more busy etc.

[moxex]

Also I want to know - whats everyones opinion hear on sexual fantasy in the day to day? Like when I see a 'hot' woman on the street, what constitutes a 'normal' response?

Ive realised, I only feel 'horny' when I fantasize.. I catch myself during the day when I see a hot girl "oh shes hot, look at her butt" etc. gets more graphic but ill leave that out. Then I notice myself becoming aroused etc.. Then doing that all day it builds up sexual tension that then requires a release. The problem is, if I dont fantasize at all, and dont feel aroused by 'hot' women during the day.. then it makes me feel like I dont have a libido. Which then makes me feel depressed/self conscious and wonder whats wrong with me.. maybe though.. ive just been sexually overstimulated for years on end so what I identifiy as a normal libido is actually a super strong one? Sometimes, if lets say im tired and im stressed and not feeling very horny, and I see a hot girl, if I dont feel aroused or any kind of fantasizing happening immediately I start to think my libidos dissapeared and ive got a serious problem. I think some of my self worth is attached to my libido, if I feel a strong urge/libido then I feel more manly and good about myself, but if no feelings - it makes me feel like less of a man.