Newbie

[enuff]

Hi everyone

I've been lurking for a week or so and thought it was about time I intro'd myself. I'll try to keep to a short history of how I ended up here!

I'm 34 years old, married for 2nd time and have two wonderful kids from my first marriage. First marriage had overtones of SA in it but nothing as destructive as what I'm experiencing with my PA husband. We've been together 5 1/2 years. The first 4 1/2 years were a rollercoaster of what he said was a low sex-drive and, what appeared to be, impotence on my husband's part.I tried everything to improve the situation but nothing seemed to help. I spent those years thinking I was doing something wrong!!!

A year ago, I found out the truth about his PA. I was all the things that I see here; hurt, angry, sad, bewildered...but he said it wasn't a problem and nothing to do with the other issues. I didn't do much research, he went to a couple of counselling sessions, declared himself "sorted" and we went on with life.

Ten weeks ago, I went back to work after 2.5 years of studying.  I was thrilled at getting a new job and happy I was finally on a path that seemed to have eluded me for so long (happiness!). One day soon after I walked into the kitchen and he had his phone out. I just KNEW. However, when I asked to see the phone, it was clear of anything incriminating. But I KNEW.

Three weeks ago, after a lovely child-free day spent together, we were driving home. He asked me to put a reminder into his iphone and, thinking I'd help, I jumped onto the internetto get the phone number of the person he needed to remember to call. And there it all was again. Turns out he'd spent the first week of my new job, happily ensconsed at home in front of the computer with his PA and every other free minute of his life;using his iphone to surf. If he worked for anyone other than his parents, I'm certain he would've been fired by now.

These last few weeks have been very black. The blackest of my life. I've gone from feeling searing red hot emotional pain (that actually feels physical) to feeling completely numb to raging anger and back again.

So here I am, devouring all of your experiences and advice. Already it is helping. I went to my counsellor today and he has said I need to practise saying "it's not my fault" until i believe it. So that's where I'll leave this for now...it's not my fault.

[JenMac]

Welcome enuff!
I am sorry for all that you are experiencing! I am sorry for your pain! I am sorry for your your heartache!
Oh my, your post takes me back. The blackest of days were mine over a year ago, and they continued for quite some time. Ups and downs, numbness and pain, grief and sorrow. I didn't experience much anger but many here did.
There is nothing quite like the experience of discovering the lies and betrayal of the one you love the most. It is crushing to the extreme. I found myself having to tell myself over and over again, that I am safe and I am strong. I knew I was all of that but it was buried somewhere beneath the grief and pain I was dealing with. It is the same for you. You will discover a strength within yourself that you never knew you had. You may not feel that way at this moment in time but it is true. I am glad you have found us!
There are many wise and wonderful people here at TTF who will support and guide you as you seek to find healing from this dreadful ordeal. We have experienced what you are now experiencing and yes, we have lived through it! We have/are finding our way to healing for ourselves first and foremost, and hopefully for our relationships as well. My H Mac and I are here together after almost 16 months of active recovery. There is hope enuff. It can be done. I am hoping it is the same for you.
I encourage you to start a journal in the SO journal thread so you can begin to get your thoughts and feelings out. I have found that to be very important in my healing!
Sending you huge hugs and prayers enuff!
Jenn

ps. Oh by the way, this is NOT your fault! Not in any way! Believe it because it is true!

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Hi enuff,

Welcome. I am sorry for what you are going through. I feel your pain and hurt. It's the lies and the deceptions that are the most painful feelings in any relationship, first or second husband. Assert yourself and say what you will and won't accept. Once you've established yourself, remember he had this in his life long before you came along. It's his addiction and what hurts more is that he can't face it and he doesn't understand.

You are in my prayers and you've come to right place for support and understanding.
Take care and read the SOs journals. WE all feel your pain.

[enuff]

Thank you for the warm welcome!