On Being a Victim

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

This is my problem. (One of them, anyway.) I spend a lot of time fearing pornography. I know what it does to me, and I know how it's hurting me. When I think back on my life (and I thank my God I'm still "young"), I find myself almost paralyzed by the time I've wasted on this self-destructive addiction. All of that time I could have spent in nobler, happier, more fulfilling, more essential pursuits. And it's gone.

And then I think about marriage. I'm not there, yet. I want to be. I want to be married and raise a healthy, happy family more than I want anything in else in life. But I won't ever get married until I put this behind me, and I never have, which provides a convincing argument that I never will. Not really. No matter how long I go without succumbing to this rotting hunger, there will be some point down the road that I'll give in. I'll throw my life to hell and just click on that one extra link or make those few extra keystrokes. And if I'm eventually going to fail, how can I ever get married? My most terrifying nightmare is that one day I'll wake up and realize that I got married, had kids, and still ended up relapsing as a pathetic PA.

It's a bleak picture. It makes me sick. It turns me into a victim.

But we are all born with something that fights back. Unfortunately, it doesn't kick in all the time, or even as often as we need it, but it always happens eventually. Then we've just got to ride the momentum of that invigorating, hopeful indignation. In my mind, I grit my teeth and say, "This is not going to take my life from me." I've still got me, my mind, my heart, and a really huge desire to put this horrible, ugly, soul-destroying filth behind me Forever.

So I'm fighting back, and this is one of the things I can do. Instead of just waiting for the customary maximum three weeks until the awful seeds of corruption bear their poisonous fruit. I'm grateful I found this site. I've been reading a lot of the posts, and this is a beautiful, albeit sorrowful, place. There is honor, love, and hope here.

I would be so grateful for any wisdom, insight, or advice anyone cares to share with this humbled newcomer.

[Dominus]

Hi AnxiouslyEngaged, your post moved me because you sound like a really meaningful person. whoever we are, we all have to endure temptations in our lives, there is no shame in that. At times we succumb to the temptations which is regrettable, but what is important is that we fight and struggle to keep in control and to count our successes. As they say, 'the man who neve rmade a mistake never made anything', you have made a wonderful start in that you are here, and making proactive steps to acknowledge and deal with this most difficult of problems.

Like yourself I would often go 2-3 weeks until the 'seeds of corruption bore their fruits' as you so elegantly put it. but one day I decided I didnt want to go on this road anymore and I have been clean since, though it is often very difficult. I truly hope and believe that you can conquer this, and we are all here to help you to this goal.

[Newman]

Anxiously Engaged

Welcome and congratulations on recognizing your problem before getting "old" like some of us here! You are right to confront this now before marriage. I don't think you can worry so much about the possibility of relapsing down the road. That possibility is always there for a PA or for any addiction for that matter. We just have to train ourselves to live differently to guard against those situations where we can't deal with the compulsion. I've been advised to make a list of at least five things to do when I get a trigger so that the compulsion is dealt with immediately and my mind is taken off P or the attraction of it. My experience has been that if I can immediately get my mind going in another direction (somehow) I can usually resist. It may require getting out of my office and walking or driving to another location for a while, or calling a friend just to visit. Stay committed to getting P out of your life. You and I both know you'll be better for it and you'll feel better about yourself.

[dave42]

I agree with Foolish Mind: "but one day I decided I didnt want to go on this road anymore." I've been down the same road a million times, but (so far!) I'm not even going down that road. Hang in there! Good luck! Dave

[dave42]

I meant that I agree with Dominus! Sorry, Dominus! I do agree with Foolish Mind most of the time, though! :)

Dave

I agree with Foolish Mind: "but one day I decided I didnt want to go on this road anymore." I've been down the same road a million times, but (so far!) I'm not even going down that road. Hang in there! Good luck! Dave

[slave]

AnxiouslyEngaged, what you wrote is very beautiful. When I read your original post it reminded me a lot of myself. Your nightmare is just like mine, there is nothing I fear more then seeing myself years down the road with the one I love so much and to see her hurt because of my pathetic addiction. This is very critical, and all together we will help each other escape from this slave camp.

[HalfPint]

hey AnxiouslyEngaged welcome to the forums. I commend you on working up the courage to join. That in and of itself shows that you truly want to quit, and you have shown, through joining and through your post, that you are passionate about this, and passion is strength. Use that passion to quit. Everyone has a path before them. we cant see very far down the road and that makes us anxious, that makes us worried. We are human, we fear the unknown, its a fact. Another thing thats a fact is that you choose where that path goes. You may not see the path, you may not know where its leading but the funny thing is,you choose where you go. The path will definitely have many bumps, will definitely have many forks but you decide what you do when those things arise, and don't worry about them, that will only make things worse. When you trip, its your choice to get back up, when the path splits, its your choice which way you go. With each choice there is a possibility that you will make the wrong choice, and there is just as much of a chance that you will make the right choice. We make wrong choices all the time, again, we are human, its a fact. Wrong choices shouldn't be feared, and they shouldn't be regretted, we are bound to make them. We should use mistakes as learning tools. How did we learn that sticking metallic objects in the outlet was a no no? We did it. As soon as we did it, How do we learn what to and what not to put in our mouths? We learn from experience, and it may not be our own experience, it might have been our parents or even their parents. We learn from our mistakes we learn from others mistakes. Without mistakes we wouldn't know better.

With that said, I want to congratulate you on being engaged, and I commend you for trying to overcome porn before getting married, but don't fear what you may or may not do in the future. Fear makes us weak, fear causes stress, both of which can contribute to making you more likely to stumble again.

Also, I would like to encourage you to keep a recovery journal on the forums in our dedicated section just for that. It will help you lay out your thoughts, it will help encourage you to do good, and it will give us more of a chance to offer encouragement and advice. With that said, I cant wait to hear back from you and I hope you decide to stick around and keep posting. Stay strong.

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

I should clarify: I'm not engaged to be married, I'm engaged in the process of fixing myself and overcoming this problem.

Thanks so much for your words, though. Finding this place has been an unexpected manifestation of God's merciful hand in my life.

[dave42]

Hi, Anxiously Engaged: When you wrote: "I'm engaged in the process of fixing myself" I completely empathized! I feel like I am trying to fix myself, too. After 30 years of this addiction, I guess it's going to take me a while, huh?! Part of the "fixing" is reading comments like yours, so thanks and good luck!

All the best,

DAve

[dave42]

If it helps, AnxiouslyEngaged, I think you are doing great!