The start of a New Beginning

[wantingfreedom]

I am a recovering pa. I relapsed two years ago into internet p and m while at work, in my office.
M has been a part of my life since my teens. This has lead to attempts to have affairs with people who I and my SO both know. I have treated women as objects, filtered them through a p lense and indoing so have nearly ruined my life, that of my SO and my family.
I desperately want to recover and be sober of this disease. I had tools available to me that I chose to ignore. SAA, counciling and most importantly my SO who was willing to listen to my struggles and to help me.
I thought I was capable of controlling this addiction. My SO became aware of my actions and began to question my actions, my past history and I was faced with the certainty that I had once again dragged my self and my SO and family into the darkness of this addiction. My SO had struggled for three years to come to terms with what I had put her through and for the next two years I selfishly returned to pa.
Steps 2 and 3 of SAA talk about a higher power. I had talked of needing that understanding before but as usual didn't do the work of the 12 step program. I have never taken the responsibility for my actions and this has been a major reason why I am where I am today.
As a newcommer, this is my fourth attempt to start a thread. It has somehow not 'taken' and become posted. I am o.k. with this because I will now tell you why I think this has happened. Yesterday my SO asked how could it be so that certain people have come to her aid when in crisis? Why have I been given so many chances to recover? Thirty years of marriage and many years of suffering by my SO has somehow been endured. My SO can somehow find it in herself to help me and show to me that there are tools available to me that can help me to recover and be sober.
We can never know what our capacity and strength is until tested. My SO's strength and the ways in which she has been helped by others at the very moment when that help has been needed is, to me, a demonstration of a higher power at work. I had turned away from coming to understand a higher power at a young age. This was perhaps the first mistake I made and that has lead me down a path of self hatred, self loathing and unworthiness.
My SO tells me I am not an ungenerous person yet I acted so selfishly. Why?
I have been given so many chances at find truth and serenity. Why?
This is the proof that I needed.
She is once again torn apart and desparate. TTF and it's members have helped her to hang on a little longer. She had no knowledge TTF existed until the very moment of need. The same thing happened for her when previously I had tried to wreck our lives: someone she had never met came into her life and essentially pled my case. This allowed her to consider once againthat there may be some good in me, her H who has tortured her for years with dreadful decisions and actions.
Please pray for her. She is so deserving of help and comfort. It is my work to do to recover. It is my work to do to stay sober. It is my work to do to be true to me and my family.
Thank you for reading. I will post again.
Your comments and your own postings will help to sustain me and my SO, if you can.
Wantingfreedom.

[Rockinastorm]

Hello and Welcome, Wanting Freedom!

I am so glad that this post finally worked for you! Perhaps a sign that perseverance has great rewards.. if one might believe in that sort of thing? I am so glad that you have found your way here! This is another chance that you have been given, and a great place to start again. I hope that both you and your SO find some peace of mind in your struggles, knowing that this site will always be a safe place for both of you!
I want to invite you to start a journal here and keep track of your struggles. It is a powerful tool for self reflection, and a way for others to get to know you and offer useful insight or opinions to try and help.
On a personal note I just wanted to respond to the part about turning away from a higher power, in that I did the same.. coincidently around the same time i started accepting P in my life. So I connect with you here, and I am sure others will too. Don't become disillusioned about what to believe or if there is anything to believe -as can sometimes be debate here- just keep your eyes open, your mind reflective, and don't hate yourself, because you are here trying to fix what you have done.. dont let that hate get in the way of your own progress.

Anyways glad I can officially welcome you now and good luck!
I wish you and your SO lots of healing!

-Rockin

[wantingfreedom]

Thanks for reading and being on line when I needed some help. I will start a journal as soon as I can.
WF

[waterlily327]

Hey WantingFreedom, and welcome to TTF! I am Rockin’s SO, and TTF has been a life-send for both of us! I just wanted to add a few quick suggestions to what Rockin already said.

--Get rid of all P including computer files, videos, magazines, etc.
--Install an internet filter (K-9 is free and works well). I suggest having your SO control the password, or to put it somewhere that will make you think twice before accessing it
--Be honest with your SO
--Get an accountability partner (as an SO, I can tell you that some things are just too much to deal with, but you can’t keep holding them inside of you)
--Make a habit of writing in your journal
--Read through Recovery and SO journals, both sides have a lot to offer

I have to admit, reading through your intro post gave me some knots in my stomach but that raw honesty is what will set you free. It takes courage to be so open, so vulnerable and I am glad you are willing to speak so openly here. I have found TTF a safe, caring community. I hope you find the same support here that I have been fortunate enough to discover. I am glad your post finally worked, and that you have made the choice to recover!

[burnedout]

Welcome WF. Let me offer you my support on this difficult but worthwhile journey.
John

[JenMac]

Hi WF!
Again welcome to TTF! I am so glad you are here! And I am glad your SO is here as well. You both are right here where you need to be!
I am sorry for your struggles and your wife's pain. I know how hard it is, it seems like yesterday!
WF, Mac and I are members of Alanon as well. We haven't been attending since this has happened in our lives but the principles have served us well.
I know it is very early in your story here WF but I will tell you that TTF has been a true blessing to mac and I. I don't know where we would be without it. There is nothing quite like having the support of others who truly know what you are going through, what you are experiencing. I am so very thankful to be here.
I am praying for your SO WF. I am also praying for you. You will learn much through this trial in your life. I could never have believed where this would take me.
Listen and learn WF! There is much wisdom here!
All the best!
Jenn

[IN NEED OF HELP]

wantingfreedom

Welcome to the TTF family

It just makes my heart rejoice to see you here. No not because you are addicted to this crap, that proves to do nothing but destroy us, and all of those around us, but because, you do truly want freedom from this very sick addiction.

I can tell you right now, just by you coming here, and writing this heartfelt post, you are already on the road to this freedom, that you do want. we have had so many chances in our life, to get help from this, but we were just blinded in our thinking, because we never wanted help in the past for it. this addiction, was a part of our life, that somehow we enjoyed, and didn't want to give it up.

When we did try to give it up in the past, maybe we just couldn't do it, because it was not in our Hearts to do so. but now, that we seen the real damage that this addiction dose cause, not only to us, but to the most beautiful woman in our lives, we see that it is a MUST to rid ourselves from this crap for good.

Others have already given you so much good advice on this, and how to deal with it. All I can say, is to please fight like hell in your recovery, to get this out of your life, and have it out of your life, for good.

There are many things that you may feel you need to help you through this recovery, but I will only list two things for now.

1- you need a good plan that will help you in your recovery. you can read here, and see what others are doing to help themselves, but the main thing is, that this plan, needs to be custom made just for your needs. Only you know what you will need in your recovery plans, that will help you. build your plans, and add more tools to it, if needed. we just need to do whatever it takes, to get us free from this addiction.

2- make sure it is in your heart this time, to want freedom from this addiction. we can have the best tools in front of us, we can go to 5 SAA meeting a week, we can have counseling, BUT if it is not in our hearts 100% to have this out of our lives, NOTHING else will work for us.

THIS MUST BE A HEARTFELT DETERMINATION TO WANT THIS ADDICTION GONE FOR GOOD.

I also will encourage you to start a journal when you can. write in it as much as you can, so all of knows how we can help you.

As you are on this road, right now, it may seem a little rough, but each day that goes by, and you are free from this, the road gets a little smoother for you.
You are on a good path already, and I am happy to say, that I do have faith in you, that you will be free from this once and for all.

I wish you nothing the best in your recovery. Also, I wish for the best in your SO's recovery. She needs help also with this, because your actions, just destroyed everything about her. I will be praying extra hard, that she can get the comfort that she needs to get through this journey as well.

Good luck to you my friend. you are not alone in this at all. we are here for you when we can be

Your fellow TTF family member

Gerald

[wantingfreedom]

Thank you to all that have commented. I will be here for the duration. Jen and Mac- thanks.
WF