So this is what is wrong with me....

[hardrecovery]

i am 28 years old male, and finally figured out what the hell was wrong with me... Been addicted ever since i found my dad's stash when i was 6 years old, but never thought anything of it. After one 12 year failed relationship and couple of potentially good women, i was starting to get depressed to think there is really something severely wrong with me. I feel anger, but at the same time have a clarity of mind to finally know what the problem is. Now that i know the problem, there is a solution. These forums are amazing, and it is a start to a new journey for me. I want to get healthy, but i am scared that i will fail because i don't have spiritual faith, but i have trust within myself to rationalize my way out of this.

Do you think SAA and or counseling should be part of the recovery process? After countless years of the same crap, will I ever be "normal"? I am thankful I am single, but at the same time I am sad to not have realized this early and to have someone by my side trying to help me fight this. Anyways, good luck with you all, these few weeks feel like the first few weeks of the rest of my life. :)

Thank you all!

[Disillusioned]

Welcome to TTF Hardrecovery. I hope you will feel at home here with all of us. There are many who have walked the say journey you are now beginning, and their accumulated wisdom and encouragement will help you greatly in your struggle to be free of P. I am so sorry you are hooked on this crap. Our young people are what I am so worried about. If this can hook older and more experienced men, I am so fearful what it can do to a young person. The average age of first exposure is 11, and my goodness, here you were exposed to Dad's stash at 6. I am so sorry. Sorry we older people let this junk get so available and so easy for our youngsters to see.

From hardrecovery, "but i am scared that i will fail because i don't have spiritual faith, but i have trust within myself to rationalize my way out of this. "

There is no way to rationalize your way out of this. Rationalizing the continued use of p has been a problem for many PAs here. I will refer you to the general discussion section on the forum page, and the title 14 methods of denial commonly used to rationalize and defend p use.

Perhaps I have misunderstood your statement that I quoted. I know of no way to rationalize your way out of this. The defeat of this addiction must come through a strong will to eliminate it, self-examination as to why it became an addiction, and the putting in place in your life a plan to defeat it. Then comes sticking to the plan. That's the hard part. You will find much support here, and many of our PAs have found counseling or SAA very helpful. They make that part of their plan.

One word of caution about counselors, not all counselors are qualified to help with p addiction. They may say they can help you with that, but we have some members PAs and SOs both who have not had positive experiences in counseling, as the counselors were not knowlegable of the particulars in this addiction, and were not effective in helping. In fact, many caused more harm than good. Be specific in your research for counseling. Ask if the therapist is experienced in counseling for P or s-x addiction, and not just addictions. Don't be afraid to ask what the level of experience is, what the therapist's educational background for these addictions is, and how many patients has he helped overcome it. We have had some who told our members, "Maybe he would be having a real, physical affair if he didn't have the diversity he craves from P." Oh really? We have some who tell couples p can spice up their marriage. With the kind of P that is out there today, I don't think "spice up" is the term I would use to describe it. It's cruel, degrading, objectifying of women. It's disgusting and it should be criminal. P hurts its workers and its users.

There are some p users who can no longer function with a living woman. P affects the way the brain works and actually changes the human brain. There are some good articles in the new member introduction section and in the general discussion session.

I am sorry you have to be here, and I am sorry you do not have the support of a partner, but you can heal from this. You will be able to have a better relationship with a live woman than you have had in the past. You will be the better hardrecovery that nature intended you to be. Some of us are religious, and I hope that doesn't offend you. Some are non-believers. The 12 step program is often used in treating this addiction, and it does refer to strength received from a higher power, whatever you consider it to be. Someone said that they thought a tree could be a higher power. Fine...whatever you feel gives you strength. As far as support and questions and confusion, join the group. We have all been there and many of us still are. You will benefit from the members here, I promise. We all care about you, your struggle, your pain. We want you to have someone to talk to. Someone that you don't really know the name of, but who isn't afraid to hear your thoughts and pain and share their own experiences. Someone you never have to be embarrassed about sharing your problem with.

Welcome to TTF, Hardrecovery. I hope you find what you are looking for here.
disillusioned

[JenMac]

Hello HardRecovery!
Welcome to TTF! I am so glad that you have found us! This is a wonderful forum full of many wise and caring people who will be only too happy to encourage and guide you. There is nothing quite like the support of others who have experienced what you have! Many have also found counselling and SAA groups to be very helpful in their recovery as well.
HR, I feel that you should be commended for recognizing this problem yourself and reaching out for support without being forced by a partner. It always says something to me when I see that. It says you are serious in your intentions and you truly recognize how this is affecting YOU.
HR, I encourage you to start a journal in the recovery journal thread. And read, read, read! My H also found it extremely helpful to learn as much as he could about this abusive and oppressive industry. It was one of the truly driving forces of his recovery. He has been clean for over 15 months now and is strong in his recovery and new life. Mac and I are not particularly religious but have found ourselves to be more spiritual through all of this, being thankful for where we are at this moment in time. We feel truly blessed to have found TTF and I hope you will feel the same way!
Let the healing begin!!
All the best,
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Hi Hardrecovery, welcome to TTF! By realizing what you need to do, you are already on the right path to recovery. I am a 22 year old SO, here with my boyfriend, and I have to say that for both of us the amazing people here on TTF have been so helpful, inspiring, and supportive. I hope you find the same supportive atmosphere that we have!

I do have a few suggestions for you starting off in your recovery:
--Get rid of all P you have (magazines, computer folders, videos, etc.)
--Install an internet filter, make a long password, and hide it or give it to someone so you can’t “hack in” (K-9 is great and is free)
--Like Jenn said, start a recovery journal to record your feelings, progress, and get advice
--Read through the PA Recovery journals and SO journals to get an idea of how this addiction has affected so many lives
--Read through the forums and find literature on PA

You have made progress already by coming here and seeking help. Just remember, this recovery needs to come from within you. Here on TTF we can only offer support, advice based on our own experiences, and our best wishes. I can’t wait to read other posts by you soon!

[hardrecovery]

Disillusioned:

Thank you for the eye opening comments regarding counseling and therapist, I think I will check out SAA groups instead. It seems like reading about other people makes it easier to relate, and it is what really brought me he to the forums. I am concerned about your mention about p users who can no longer function with a living woman, I know the human body is a resilient one, but I have long abused mine unknowingly with p and am concerned about getting back into a conscientious mine frame to start dating women for the right reasons.

I guess detox is my first step, and i think there are still underlying factors in my life that i need to explore to sustain a healthy life. I always masked myself by being a person that was always on point. Like most people, I think i need to approach myself with a little bit of humility and break myself down before i build it up again with a stable foundation.
Anyways, I really appreciate your time in addressing some of my concerns. Cheers!

JenMac, Waterlily:

I have dated women that at the end wished were as half as supportive as you two are. Incredible to know there are SO out there that are absolutely supportive, gets me sad to think that I could have diagnosed this way earlier to rescue some of my SOs from hurt that I have caused them, unmaliciously and unknowingly, but gives me hope that there are people like you guys out there. Stick with your spouses. Everything can get accomplished where there is sufficient love.

I started a written journal, i haven't made the leap to post it to the public yet, but it is refreshing to pour oneself onto a page.

Thank you all, see you guys around!

[HopefulsRock]

Hardrecovery? yes it is!... but I'll tell you that I have never learned a greater lesson in my life of over 50yrs! Welcome to TTF and I hope you find the way to defeat this addiction in your life! Congratulations on discovering the problem in your life at such a young age... I commend you! Start that journal, get situated here and get to work on your own recovery because in my opinion it's the best decision you'll ever make!

[likeafish34]

Welcome Hardrecovery. You've found the right place if you want to recover from PA.

For me I think that the single most effective part of my recovery plan has been keeping a journal. It's so good to have a place to vent my feelings and it's great to get advice from other members who understand and care about me. Sometimes I even take the advice!! lol. It was also useful to be able to go back over my journal to look at why my previous attempt to kick PA failed. I could see my gradual decline and my increasing use of alcohol as a substitute. This time I've been really careful about drinking wine, in fact I've stopped entirely for the last week.

I've also made a point of doing more stuff in the real world. When I was really in the grip of P, I'd use practically every available opportunity to use it. What a waste. Now I make a point of getting out and seeing people and doing real things in the real world.

I'm still a bit of a newbie really (only 6 weeks P free), but life is so much better. I know that I need to keep my guard up and many PAs relapse, but right now I've lost the stress and guilt and self loathing that I had when I was a user. I can hardly begin to explain how good it feels.

Keep it up. This battle is definitely worth fighting. You're still young and you have so much of your life ahead of you. You can life a P free life and you will find it so much better.

Simon

[hardrecovery]

Simon,

thank you for the encouraging words. Did not think of Journal as a paper trail to avoid relapse, good ideas. I think PA has altered the way I interact with the public, it has made me a bit awkward, which has never been the case with me before. I am a manager of a big group of individuals, I interact with people in a daily basis, but off work i get into a depressive mode and I noticed my self esteem is not as high as it was before, always being hard on myself and also scared that i will never get my mojo back.

I think I knew that there was an issue when my PA addiction when I was repelling away willing women and my loneliness kicked in. I always blamed that i wasn't really that into her, or my sex drive is not as high because i choose to intellectualize my world in other ways, but what a waste of f'ing time. Do you get self conscious when you are in public? 6 weeks is where i want to get, i am about 3 days in and about 9 months worth of on and off depression before that so I am just hoping i get to where you are and feel a little better about myself.

Thanks,

HR