...and here's my story as an SO

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place for me, but I sure do hope I am. I guess that's all that we have except for love.

I love my spouse. I've tried education, warning and according to my therapist all I have left is love. Love and guilt that is.
I'm in my forties and feeling like I supported this porn industry with being so blase about it. I didn't know that he was coming into this marriage with a problem already there. I guess I assumed everyone played around with it and then once you got married that was it; except for a little "spice" now and then. Boy was I stupid. First time I new something was up was when I saw his picture collections a few months after we were married. He said that it was "when he was single" collection. I said, okay. Next year, we bought a few videos at a store and I thought okay no biggie. But then he wanted to keep stopping by and I would say " why? it's not like we're going to start a collection, right?" and laughed about it. I noticed he just looked away. I knew something was up. As years went on, I tried to understand but more information was coming out about the dangers of it. I would bring it up in conversation and he would remain silent and shut down. I knew that now he was taking it as an attack on him if I was talking about porn in a negative way. A few years ago I was worried my H might be looking at really bad stuff. I found mostly playboy type stuff but I felt worse. I felt I had betrayed him. Then I became angry because I think he got more savvy with how he looked at it. I would try and give him information and he would remain silent. I would try and warn of the inherent dangers and he would dismiss me as saying I was prudish or overreacting.My H is a loving and giving man, except in this. I started seeing a therapist because I'm taking care of an elderly family member. I brought this up in one of the sessions and my therapist said this is why I should really be seeing them. My therapist brought to my attention that I was in denial and I needed to address this issue immediately. The therapist made me realize my H was in real denial.I came home after this last session of therapy and told my H in no uncertain terms that I renounce porn like satan and there were one in the same. I recognized he had a problem and I could no longer be vigilant or try to control his problem. I said the only thing I had left for him was my love and I was going to detach myself from his problem or I was going to go crazy and drown with him. One of us had to be in the lifeboat in order to rescue the other. I told him I was going to be there and support him when he would be ready to sever the lead weight drowning him. He stood up and said " Okay, that's it then." I think he thinks that he can just stop looking at it and he's going to try and prove it to me and to himself. I don't know what'll happen, but I have to stay in the lifeboat. My therapist feels that by group therapy and writing I've started healing. I've started writing metaphorically about this addiction and my feelings .The therapist feels I should publish them and they might help others. I don't know maybe I'll get up the courage one day to do it, but I still haven't gotten over the fear of being here and the shame of it all. Can people see through the thread at me and who I am? Of who we are?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi Lifeboat,

Can people see through the thread at me and who I am? Of who we are?

Yes. I see who you are. You are me. You are all the SOs here. And your husband? I have met him time and again on TTF in one form or another. You are anonymous here, but you are not alone. You are anonymous here, but your story is lived and felt in different ways by all of us here.

Welcome to TTF. I am sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place to be for people facing this problem

[waterlily327]

Hey Love in a Lifeboat,
Welcome to TTF. I am a 22 year old SO, here with my boyfriend (Rockinastorm). I hope that you will find the same love, caring, and support in the TTF community that we found when we joined. As an SO, I have found that reading through the SO journals allowed me to realize that I am not alone. Reading through the PA journals helped me realize that this is truly an addiction, and gave me ideas of how to better help my boyfriend in recovery.

I would suggest starting a journal in the Journals for SO’s section. For me, making a habit of writing has helped my recovery. There are many great articles in the partner’s forum that you should check out too! All of us here on TTF have seen the negative, detrimental effects that P can have on the lives it touches. Feel free to speak freely (within the forum rules, of course, which are set up to protect members)!

And LIAL, we can see you just as you see us: screen names, avatars. Our words our real, our emotions are real, our feelings and voices are real…but we are hidden behind the anonymity of our computer screens. We only know as much as you are willing to share with us. Use TTF as a tool to help your recovery, don’t let it stress you!

Best wishes to you and your H! I hope to read in a journal of yours soon!

[JenMac]

Hi Love in a Lifeboat,
Welcome to TTF! I am glad that you have found us!
I so believe in the power of writing down your thoughts and feelings! I believe it frees me from all the burdens I can carry around. I hope you will find it as healing as I have found it to be.
L! I would like to suggest that you encourage your H is join us as well. My H Mac and I have been members of this forum for about 15 months now and we have found much strength and healing here along the way. There are many wonderfully wise and caring people here who have given us guidance, support and inspiration during our time here. It has been wonderful to have this wonderful resource to share to help us through the difficult times.
Wishing you all the best L!
Hoping to hear much more from you!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

Life,
A warm welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA who has been in recovery since 2009. Like the other SOs, I would like to encourage you to start a journal here. It gives you a place to rant, share your feelings, and seek support from all of the other SOs here who have walked this path and are still on the journey of healing.

And to echo WoNLM: While our stories may all be different, we are all the same. We're all here for the same reasons. Together we are stronger - no longer isolated and alone.

Find peace,
~C~

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the welcome. I find you all so incredibly comforting and to hear that I am not alone, but so angry and sad that we are put in this position. The burden of P is so overwhelming for us and for them our loved ones. I will be writing in my SO journal and posting some pieces I had written on my own before I came here. I invite everyone to my life.
This is definitely a hard moment to be so open to all of you. I usually get slammed for being honest and ultimately betrayed. But isn't that the root of how we all feel with the deceptions, betrayed. Betrayed and very angry. I used to feel very angry at my H. But I needed to stop being angry so I could start to forgive, because I need to forgive like I need to breathe. In forgiveness, there is healing. Thanks to you all.
I keep second guessing myself and my H. But I would be in denial again. I can't go back there if I'm to heal and see my H through the dark days ahead.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Mrs lifeboat

I am a addict here in recovery. it does bring me deep pain to read what you are going through at this point in your life. when I read your pain, it just reminded me, of all the pain, I caused to my beautiful SO, and in no way did she, or any of you, deserve to be hurt in this way.

There are no words of comfort I can give you, there is no advice I can give you, to make you feel better about this pain you are dealing with. All I can do, is to welcome you here to TTF, and say, that I am so happy that you are getting help for you, so you can start feeling better about yourself. you need to know, that none of this is your fault. us addicts choose the path we was on, and it had no bearing or reflection in how we feel about our SO"s. even when I was deep into my addiction, I still felt that my SO is the most BEAUTIFUL woman on this earth. but the outcome of this was, that my SO stopped feeling as if she was beautiful, and was not good enough for me. I just destroyed everything about her.

All I can say, is how sorry I am, that addicts like myself, and many others, have caused this much pain to the women, we are suppose to love, and respect. it makes me mad, that your SO done this to you, but there is nothing I can do, to take this pain away from you. I do hope that your SO wants to have this addiction out of his life, and that he works hard as he can, to be free from it. I do hope that he will come here for some help. there are so many supporting people, that will do all that they can to try to get him back on the right path of a good recovery. but, that choice is his, and only his, to have it in his heart, to want help.


As for you, stay strong. as you can already see, there are so many loving So's who have gone through the same pain that you are going through, and they will be able to help you with all of this pain you have in your life.

I wish you the best in your healing. you are for sure, in the right place to get healing.

Thank you for allowing me to write here in your journal

Gerald

[Love in a Lifeboat]

Thank you. And keep strong yourself. P is a heavy burden like all addictions. But remember, everyday without P is a beautiful day with your SO and your mind is yours again. Peace.