Tough time

[rose22]

Hi everyone,

I want to start by saying how grateful I am for these forums! My nightmare with my DH began a few years ago. When I was pregnant with our daughter, he began to look at P every night. I expressed my upset, rage, and confusion on MANY occasions. Finally I gave up and began to take it out on myself, feeling that I must be ugly, etc. After I had our daughter, it seemed his addiction stopped for a time. My body was back to normal and things seemed to be better. It popped up again last year. I have no idea what triggered it. I confronted him right away, but he lied and lied and got more bold in trying to cover his tracks.

Finally I put a keylogger on his computer and confronted him with hard proof. He blew up at me, I left, and I ended up making a dumb revenge oriented mistake. My husband saw a counselor after this, we worked things out, and the habit seemed again to fade. In response to his addiction, I began going to the gym and now I have come so far that I am doing fitness pageants. I am bringing this up to say that I have worked VERY hard on my body, and I feel very attractive, until this last spell which happened this past week.

Last week my DH announced that he was done with counseling. His counselor had set him free with a good merit. I was concerned, but happy that he had been "cured." During this week my husband moved his computer out to his office. He has not had it out there because I haven't trusted him, but agreed to give him a shot. He KNOWS there is a keylogger on his computer. So, imagine my horror and shock when only 3 days later I booted up the keylogger. He was googling pictures of naked women, and picked some very raunchy, nasty looking women to savor for the evening. After he was done, he cleared all his history and cookies. This happened ALL three nights he had the computer out in the office.

I have NOT confronted him yet because I am sick with sorrow (I feel nauseated and ticked-off). I am just keeping a little distance right now by staying busy.

What makes me so upset is that he is trying to hide this, then lies to my face. Also, I am back to feeling like I must be an awful, ugly woman or a terrible lover even though he swears he is attracted to me and loves me very much. Why would he pick photos of women who looked just awful when he has a fitness model for a wife?! We have had the talk that I am always available for "play time" and that he should always ask me if he is in the mood. But it doesn't seem to work.


I guess I want to know, since he wasn't watching actual P-videos, only looking at icky-nudes, is it still considered porn? Also, how can I stop feeling so awful about myself?

Thanks everyone.

[Crisodian]

rose,
First a warm welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA who has been in recovery since 2009.

You asked if looking at nudes was P. P can be any thing (any media - video, photo, etc...) used to get sxual stimulation. And if he's hiding it from you, it's more than likely he's using it as P.

You have a choice to make, and unfortunately we can only offer support and guidance. No one can tell you what to do, we can only make suggestions.

I encourage you to start a journal in the Partner's area where you will get valuable support and input from the other SOs here at TTF. My suggestion to you, is to confront him. Immediately. And then, start healing for yourself. You will find many of us here who have walked the same path and who can help you rebuild what P takes away from all of us.

Do something nice for yourself today. Even if it's a soak in the tub for some alone time. Just do something, for you.

Find peace,
~C~

[waterlily327]

Hi Rose, and Welcome to TTF!

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am also and SO (girlfriend) of a PA. He is here on TTF with me (Rockinastorm). We have been working on this since last June, but only started here on TTF March of this year--for our 4 year anniversary. Let me tell you, TTF has been such an amazing help for both of us!

Like C said, it's a great idea to start a journal. I try to make a habit of writing every day because that is what helps me! It has become a great, safe place for me to rant, spill me emotions, and it a wonderful tool in my recovery. Also like C, don't wait to bring this up with you H. From personal experience I have found that letting the anger, the fears, the lack of trust sit inside of you and build up only hurts you. I know I let my mind wander and make the situation 100x worse than it really is. I finally learned to stand up for myself, and if I have a question I ask because I have every right to know what is going on in my relationship, just like you do in yours.

You said that since your child was born, you have gone to the gym, taken better care of yourself, etc. I want you to take a step back and make sure that you are doing that for you. I have a long history of an eating disorder, so seeing things like that in relation to another’s negative actions brings back my experiences. If you are doing it to stay healthy for you, that is wonderful, but let me tell you something: PA’s don’t act out because of the way their SO’s look. You can be a super model, and if your H is a PA, it is not going to stop his actions. It truly is an addiction, and I strongly encourage reading through some of the PA journals to get a clearer picture of that.

The most important piece of advice I got when joining TTF was to take care of yourself. Do what is best for you. This is your recovery too! Talk to you H, see how he feels, and see if he would be willing to join TTF…a lot of couples have found that being here together helps greatly in recovery on both sides.

I hope that you are doing ok, and I am glad you found TTF. Best wishes!

[2frustrated]

I want to echo what Waterlily said. It's not you, it never was you. It does not matter one ounce how ugly or beautiful you might be. An addictions is blind to everything outside itself. Please, please know that him looking at p is NOT because of you.

[rose22]

Thanks for the response! I know I should confront him immediately. There is this part of me that just can't. I've started to several times, and my heart races and I get sick to my stomach. I KNOW how it will be once I do. He will lie, deny it all, make up the most ridiculous excuses ever, then act clingy and guilty for days. I *think* he knows that I know. He's been making odd references to the "bikini's" he is researching that he is going to buy me for my next contest. However, when one does research, do they really delete all their cookies and histories? Do they really look at totally nude women? I don't think so.

[rose22]

Thanks for the support, Waterlilly. I am defiantly doing this fitness work for me. Since I started I have eliminated Xanax and anti-depressants because the endorphins from working out change my life. It was prompted by his PA, but now it's something I own, something he can't hurt. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that he would rather look at druggie/hookish/worn-out looking women in silly poses then come inside and be with his loving wife. I know there is no rhyme or reason to the things they do, but I guess I'm trying to make sense of it.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi Rose,

I am sorry you find yourself here. I want to echo what everyone else said. It it has nothing to do with you, not now, not ever.

I have seen other people besides you ask if nude pictures are P. I am confused as to why that is a question from anyone. Prior to internet P and videos, people looked at pictures. It was considered P. Has the definition changed with the internet so that just sx acts are P and not pictures? The miriam webster dictionary says about P:

1
: the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
2
: material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement

The freeonline dictionary says:

creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire

So, nude pictures are P unless it is a Michealangelo or something and even then someone could turn that into P. I was just curious about what you said because I have heard others say it too and I want to make sure I am still clear on the definition of P. If pictures don't really count, I will have to make sure my husband doesn't think this is a reasonable loophole for him.

I hope you and your husband can work things out. I really wonder why he would look at stuff knowing you have the keylogger.

hugs.

[likeafish34]

Rose,

Welcome. TTF is a great place to find support.

I'm a recovering PA. I hope you don't mind me posting in your thread.

I agree with what has already been said. Your husband accessing P, has nothing to do with how you look. I've always found my wife incredibly attractive, but that didn't stop me from accessing P. For me, using P was nothing like a loving physical relationship. It was just about intense gratification. A powerful drug. I used it to cover up other problems that I had in my life.

I don't know if this is the case with your husband, but for me there where times when I really wanted my wife to catch me (she never did). Does he know that the keylogger is still there? If he does, he may just be waiting for you to confront him. Maybe you can get him onto TTF.

Simon

[JenMac]

Hi Rose!
Welcome to TTF! I am happy you have found us! You will find much wisdom and guidance here.
Rose, I had intended to write to you this morning but time did not allow and so I am happy to see that others have written to you. They have said most everything that I would say to you. This is not your fault. It would have happened anyway. This is his problem. Remember to care for yourself. Yes it is P! Confront him right away!
Rose I know this is a very hard thing to confront, for both you and him! Do what you need to do to look after yourself! But make sure you are looking after yourself so that you are able to put yourself into the place that you need to be to enable you to stand up for what you need that will enable you to feel safe, respected and loved within this relationship. Without that, what is it worth, really?
Rose, you have come to a good place to find what you are looking for. We have all been in a similar place. I hope that you will find comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I know it worked wonders for me! I feel very blessed to have found a place where I feel like I can say what I need to say to enable me to be able to let things go. TTF is a wonderful place to do just that!
Hugs for you Rose!
Jenn

[rose22]

Thank you, everyone, for being so wonderful. I had a crying session after reading the reply from likeafish. I'm glad to know that PA's are often still attracted to their wives. My DH tells me this all the time, but at the risk of knowing he will lose me, decides to do it again. Yes, he DOES know the keylogger is there, I find subtle ways of reminding him to keep him "clean." Maybe he does want me to catch him...but if so, not sure what is with the careful deleting of history/cookies, etc. In no uncertain terms I told him if this came up again I would leave and take our children. He knows me very well, and I am not one to make promises I don't uphold, and I never mince words. Yet finding this stuff again I have felt frozen. I just CAN'T bring myself to say anything yet. Part of it was because of a point that WifeofNewLifeMan brought up. I am getting ready to do a fitness modeling pageant. He has been helping me pick out my swimsuits. While doing so he found a "bikini" competition, which is really more like a "look where I threw my bikini" competition with fully nude women. The keylogger showed me how long each photo was open, and exactly what he did with his history. He repeated this 3 nights in a row. he was also googling the name of celebrities followed by the word "nude." There is a part of me that thinks I am wrong in even being mad. In my journal, I talk about why this is so. It seemed that I was VERY upset over some dumb nuddies...My friends told me nudes are not P...I feel differently. I'm glad I now have the definition of P. My friends also say P is nothing close to cheating, but to me it is even worst. I feel dirty and gross myself, just seeing what he is doing.

Again, thank you all for the replies. I am so glad I found TTF.