Am i wrong? Healthy Sexual Values / Slips?

[bhayes]

hello there. i;m new here. just a question. a few months ago i posted a message at another forum and i asked some basic questions.

I brought up alot of issues. and i got into arguements with admins there. and they all ganged up on me. was i wrong? i have made enemies there, and i think some folks are just unsympathetic.

but my view is this. first let me say that i'm 28 yrs old. and i'm still a virgin too. and simply put i'm at a cross road in my life.

i have a sex drive and i have to exercise it. i have to masturbate. and i have to use something to aid masturbation.

***REMOVED***

But other times, this choice gets repetitive, and it doesn't turn me on at all. And i look at other things like ***REMOVED***., nothing that is in line with


because of just alot of the craziness in my life, i avoided dating and sex. and now that i'm almost 30 i feel as though i have created a big problem for myself. some things are my own fault. and other things aren't but i feel alittle LOST.

i say that because, i know if i just could reach out hug a nice woman who cared about me and if i could (hold her hand) - and if i could just have that type of intimacy in my life. I'm not just talking sex either. i wouldn't be going thru this.

had i had this when i was younger - i wouldn't be where i am now.

and because i'm under lots of stress with school and work, i'm not in a situation where i can go out there on the dating scene and meet somebody. i really don't see myself being ready to invite a partner in to my life for atleast another 3 years maybe more.

its my own fault and i accept responsibility for my situation.
some things are under my control and other things aren't.

***REMOVED***

there is a pull sometimes. then i feel guilty. then i relapse and emotionally i go in a direction that makes me feel shame. it usually happens mostly when i'm under lots of stress.

and since porn is just a key stroke away, it gets hard sometimes to avoid it or be selective of what you want, because there is some much porn ad pop ups and advertising.

the way i see it, my life will at some point be more in order, and i can invite a girlfriend/sex partner into my life, but right now, it cannot happen.

all i'm left with as a man - is tasteful erotica/porn that reflects my personal values.

but have to admit sometimes i feel really lost.

even if no one respons to this post, i'm glad i could come here and vent. venting helped me.

thanks.

[Rockinastorm]

Hi Bhayes and welcome to TTF.

I am so glad that just posting this helped you vent. Talking about this sort of thing can be extremely emotional. I hope you don't take the fact that your post was edited as a personal attack, there is some censorship on this site to protect the safety of those trying to heal.

I have a couple of questions for you. It sounds like you are trying to make a change in your life, but probably due to editing I cant tell where you are trying to go? Are you trying to give up porn? Masturbation? Are you just trying get rid of some of it? Porn and its accompanying chaos can wreak havoc on your life, and maybe you are looking for a sense of control so that you can re-enter the dating world feeling confident?
One of the biggest side effects of porn use is becoming more recluse in ways.. many of the addicts trying to recover here have admitted that they have given up social opportunities in favor of using porn. Could it be effecting you this way?

You dont have to answer these questions here or now, I meant them more to guide you toward figuring out where you want to go with this, and if TTF can help you find what you are looking for..
In the mean time, spend some time looking around the site.. there are a lot of users here, a lot of experience, and a lot of shared knowledge. Since you do intend to some day have a woman in your life, I highly recommend that even if you choose not to stay here at TTF, you should check the threads under the Partners Forum. The wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends of porn users have a lot so say about their experiences...

Good luck to you, and I hope I have helped steer you towards the answers you are seeking.

-"Rockin"

[likeafish34]

It sounds like you missed out on affection and physical contact when you were younger. If this is the case, then I am sorry. I think that both are important in our early development. We need them to learn how to develop healthy relationships with people.

It also sound like you're saying that you're too busy to build personal relationships right now and that you chose to use porn to help you get by. Does that mean you think that you have your use of porn under control and its not a problem? If that's the case, then you're probably in the wrong forum. For my part, I have recognised that using porn has been destroying my life and that I need to give it up. I think that its an addiction and must go.

You must do what feels right for you, but my suggestion would be that however busy you are, you should find time to build personal relationships. They don't need to be serious and they might not provide immediate sexual satisfaction, but in the long-term they are much healthier that using porn.

Simon

[Rockinastorm]

To quickly piggyback on what Simon said, TTF is a very good place to have social interaction that is safe. By that what is mean is: almost entirely non-judgmental - everyone here has been hurt by porn; and more importantly, we talk about it like it is: not like the media portrays it, not the way our buddies at work or school joke about it, but the impact that it has on our lives, and of those we care about.

[2frustrated]

Sorry to say it, but a loving partner won't make the desire for p go away. I totally understand how it seems like it would. We crave the affection of another person, for them to look us in the eyes with love and desire. That is a great deal of what we get out of p. When a real person comes along to satisfy those desires, the brain is still in p mode, and won't be satisfied with just that one person for very long. It could be weeks, months, or a year, but once the initial euphoria wears off, the mind will be screaming out again for p. I know it's hard to believe, but many people on this site have gone through exactly that and can vouch for what I am saying.

So what does that mean for you? That you need to stare p straight in the face as a problem you've developed for yourself, that only you can make go away.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I would like to add that MB is ok for some people as a sxual outlet. But, if you "need" P or erotica to do it, then you perhaps you don't really need to MB. If you MB to release sxual tension that you already have, then it seems like the act of MB would do the trick, w/out P. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your sxual needs. A period of abstinence from P and MB has helped other PA members here to reset themselves to a normal sxual level.