Ready to have this addiction out of my life

[ScotS27]

It has taken me a long time to admit this to myself, but my problem with P & M is indeed an addiction and definitely a problem. Thanks to this site and the people who participate, I have come to understand just how much my problem affects my wife (Bethann27). She really has been a trooper for sticking with me all these years, but I believe her when she says she will not continue to do so if I continue in my behavior. I don't blame her at all.

Anyway, I should be starting counseling soon, and I actually look forward to it. Several months ago I had thought I could do this without any outside help, but I see now that's not the case. It's time to leave this problem behind. Once and for all.

Thank you to all of you PAs and SOs that have shared your experiences so openly. Reading papers and articles is one thing, but reading the experiences of real people was much more effective in getting me to realize the extent and consequences of what I have been doing. I plan on starting a journal soon and hopefully my experiences will be beneficial to someone else.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Scots27

First, I would like to welcome you to TTF.

It is very encouraging to see that you want help with this addiction. you have come to see that it is a problem, and that you want it out of your life for good. We will be able to hep you with this, all that we can

But it order for us to help you, you need to do what you can right now, to start helping yourself. it is going to take, much more than pure will power, to over come this problem. you are on a road to recovery, but this road can indeed be very long, and very rough. this road, can be filled with many bumps and potholes along the way. You can have a smooth road, if you try to do the right things. there are a lot of changes that do need to be made, to even have a chance of beating this addiction.

You need to understand, that in order to be free from this, it can no longer be a part of your life, one tiny little bit. there can be no room for P to be in your life anymore. dont even kid yourself, thinking soft P is ok, because it is not. anything that we look at, that brings up lustful thoughts, are dangerous in our recovery. If it means, you need to even stop watching a favorite TV show, then it has to be.

WE CAN NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF THIS ADDICTION

Some of the first steps that needs to be done, is to cut off ANY ACCESS to any P. this means, that if you have any files hidden on your computer, YOU MUST DELETE THEM NOW. do not kid yourself, thinking that you can just get rid of them later. if you think this way, I will assure you, that you will look at them, before you delete them. so do it NOW

If you do not have a internet filter on your computer, it is suggest, that you put one on. we need to make sure, that when we hit the keyboard to go to one of our OLD sites, we are not able to get to them. there would be mush fewer relapses if all of us, had the filters. of course, this is your choice.

Now a good recovery plan, needs to be put in your life. this is something, that only you know what is is that you need. sure you can read around here, and see what others are doing in there recovery, and if there plans work for you, then you can use some of there ideas. but for a plan to work for you, it should be custom made, to fit ALL of your needs.

Now I am going to say something, but if it sounds harsh, I am sorry, but it just needs to be said.

To overcome this, and to make your recovery work good, it has to be in your HEART, to not want this addiction around anymore. if you are doing this, just to make you wife happy, or just to shut her up about it, then, it is not going to work for you. It needs to be a total motivation from the HEART, that this is something that YOU want to do, not because your wife told you that you had to.
I am sure that you are tired of this crap, and you are tired, of destroying your wife's heart because of this crap. A addict can go for only so long in this sick addiction, before they finally do hit rock bottom. and if you haven't hit it yet, then I pray, that you start this recovery, before you do.

What I am saying is this. if it is not really your ideal to do this, then to be honest, you are just wasting your time to do it. but if it is in your HEART to beat this, then you are ALREADY, on the road to a great recovery.

We can not sugar coat this addiction. it has a hold on us right now, and it will fight you, to stay with you. I want to see you coming out a winner in this Scot. you can do this, and there is no reason, as to why you cant do it.

so I am going to end this for now, so other will have the opportunity, to say more to you.

I wish you the best in your recovery. Remember, that you are not here alone. We will help you all that we can. Stay strong

[ScotS27]

I have stopped in the past, but it wasn't because I wanted to. As you said, it was to shut my wife up. Not a good reason and not enough of a reason ultimately.

Regardless of how things end up with my wife, I realize now I need to quit for me. It's a huge waste of time and it has made me emotionally numb.

[bethann27]

I realize now I need to quit for me.

I like this very much :)

[Hopeful]

Hi ScotS27,

Good to see you here! INOH has given you a lot of great advice and just so you know, my H (HopefulsRock) didn't understand the severity of all of this until he joined the site and started participating.

Whenever you have any thoughts that you need to get out, this is the place to put them and you will be surprised how the other PA's will jump in to help you.

Everyone here is on the same path.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Scot... Welcome to TTF and may you find it a blessing like so many others who have! ...not happy to see another home affected by this but certainly glad to have another member in the fight against it!

You are in a safe community of support here full of good people and honest, sincere communications! That's what's nice about TTF... it's very current and we share our daily experiences and sometimes the slightest of thoughts here can give you the biggest lift just when you need it most!

Best wishes for strength in your journey!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I
Regardless of how things end up with my wife, I realize now I need to quit for me. It's a huge waste of time and it has made me emotionally numb.

This attitude, will get you very far in your recovery. I am glad to hear that you are going to do this, regardless of the outcome of your relationship. you will feel so much better, not having this addiction in your life

Good luck to you. maybe you should start your own journal, write in it, so we can see where we can help you.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

ScotS27,

I am hoping that when you started here, you wanted to get email notification, when someone replied to your posts.

I just wanted to stop by, and remind you, that we can help you with this addiction. you are not alone my friend. the name of this thread was that you are ready to have this addiction out of your life. so if that is the case, please come back, and let us help you in any way that we can.

All we can do, is to make your recovery a little better for you. even if you are not to come back, I still hope that you find a way to free yourself from this addiction


Gerald

[ScotS27]

Thanks,

Here is a quick update:

I have been clean since just before Memorial day. It has not been as hard as previous times when I've tried to quit, but I am under no illusions that it will always be that way. The hardest part so far has been the relationship between me and my wife. I know I have ruined any trust she once had in me, and we have had a few "discussions" about whether I have been clean like I say. I hope to rebuild this over time.

Here are the steps I have taken so far:

I have started seeing a therapist that specializes in this addiction and uses the Patrick Carnes method of rehab. I feel very good about success after my first meeting with her. I know it will be a long and painful road. but most things in life worth doing are that way.

At her direction, I installed accountability software on my laptop and have temporarily made my wife the accountability partner, until I can get one elsewhere (intending on asking my pastor to take this role, as my therapist doesn't think it's healthy for my wife to be the "policeman".)

If I needed any more reason as to why getting better is so important, it came tonight. As my wife was about to leave for work, she checked the browsing history on her laptop. In it, from several days ago, were several illicit searches and short visits to P sites. Needless to say, she left for work quite angry at me and not believing my denial (witth good reason, I admit). Our children also use her laptop regularly, and it turned out that it was my 12yo daughter. This hit me really hard. I don't know if there is a genetic factor in this addiction, but I do know that my parents and at least one grandfather had P use in their histories. I don't want this for my children. Our household now has OpenDNS to block all that crap.