After 4 years of feeling like it's all my fault (because I'm not his "body type")...

[dawn1952]

Hello everyone, I found this site "by accident" (of course, I don't really believe that) and I'm glad I did. I've been with my partner for just over 4 years. We met on the internet and, after emails and 3-4 hour phone calls every night for a couple of months, we met in person. I thought he was the most exciting man I'd ever met.

About 6 months later, I lost my job and found a new one in his city, so I moved there. I got my own place and didn't move in with him until he asked me to, about 6 months later. Still, I thought he was exciting and I fell in love with him.

I knew he liked sex early on. In fact, one of the things I loved about him was how playful he was and yet he seemed to really care about my feelings and never pushed himself on me. That's what I thought. It took me moving in with him to discover the real reason why he never initiated sex with me -- his file cabinet after file cabinet full of P. I'd find it all over the house, in his drawers when I put his socks away, on top of the DVD player.

Our battles began when I asked him to please move the file cabinets into the walk-in closet instead of leaving them next to our bed. (I discovered more file cabinets in his closet, too.) That's when he started calling me a "prude", when he started telling me I promised to lose weight and I'm not his body type.

Now, I'm being honest. I needed to lose about 40 lbs when I met him and I need to lose it still. And I DID tell him I was going to lose the weight when we met because I WAS doing it. But, it all stopped when he told me he just "couldn't work" with someone who looks like me, yet he looks at P every chance he gets.

He even wanted to show me just what type of body turns him on! As if I'd hurry and get that type of body for him so he'd want me. This has gone on 4 years and he has not once gotten even close to having sex with me. He calls P his "sexuality". He says no one's going to stop him from doing something in his own house. He tells me if I can't take it I should leave. He tells me I'm not living up to our "agreement." He says it makes him happy. (I asked him if I make him happy and he said no, we fight too much.)

Last year, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. I've been on medication ever since and still I'm sad. I cry over it practically every day. I check his internet history and see that he's not only been looking when I've gone out (which is how it used to be) and now he's looking even when I'm in the next room. He's even gone so far as to push his way past me on the stairs, frantic to get to his computer. He lies to me and says he's "studying" -- but when I look at his history, he's been looking at picture after picture after picture of naked women, one after another after another in rapid sequence. (Yet, I can see who he lingers on... the history tells me the time and day, too. So, I can punish myself more by seeing who he likes, who got him off. I hate it.)

I started S-ANON a couple of weeks ago. Last week was my 2nd meeting. I think it's going to help some. At least, since I started I haven't looked at his computer at all. Not that I haven't wanted to, but the driving force, the anxiety, the compulsion to look is lessening. Yes, I'm compulsive too. I compulsively look at what he's done, I compulsively pay attention to what he's doing, wondering and watching to see if he's getting off on someone right in front of me (and he does. I see his face while he stares at the screen, licking his lips, smiling. He's even done it while I'm pouring my heart out to him and crying!!!! I hate this behavior in him and I hate it in me.) I'm obsessed with him. My therapist says I'm addicted to him and it may not even be that I'm in love with him.

I just know that I have to heal myself and I have to do it now. That's why I'm here, I'm in therapy, I'm going to S-ANON, and I have a fitness trainer (and I have her for ME! I'm losing weight and getting toned only for me.)

So that's my story. Of course, there's a lot more but that'll come out as time goes by. I want to thank you all in advance for listening to me and helping me heal. I hope I can do the same for you.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Dawn

I do not have any advise to give you, because I am a addict here.

But what I can say, is that I am truly sorry for what you are going through at this time in your life. I know by my actions, I destroyed everything in my SO. I made here feel, as if, she isn't even pretty. but yet, to me, she is the most BEAUTIFUL woman, on this earth. I know that you came here, to get help for you, and to find a way to get through all of this.

I am sure, that you will receive so much help here, because this site, is full of women, who has been hurt, just as much as you have.

I hope it was ok for me to say something here. I just want you to start your healing process, so you can feel better about yourself

It makes me sick, what he as done to you. I only pray, that he can find himself to come here, so we can help him

Please take care, and I do hope for the best with you in theses troubling times

[waterlily327]

Hey Dawn, and welcome to TTF!

I am sorry that you need to be here, but TTF is a wonderful, supportive community and I hope you will find it helpful in your recovery. I am a 22 year old SO here and, while my partner is here with me, we have not had an easy journey.

I would suggest starting a Journal in the SO’s section. A journal is a great place to vent your thoughts, ideas, feelings, and receive support from the other members of the forum. Read through some of the SO’s journals, and some of the articles posted on the SO’s section of the forum if you haven’t yet had the opportunity to do so. I found that really helpful when I was starting out here. (“Trauma to SO’s” was one of the articles that I found most helpful for me, and I would highly suggest checking it out!)

It sounds like you are here for the right reasons. The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Try to surround yourself with supportive, caring people. Remember, your partner’s PA is NOT related to you. You did not cause it, you did not make it worse, it does not reflect upon you. You have so much to offer him that he will never be able to get from P: love, intimacy, friendship, etc. If he cannot see that, it is his loss.

The way your partner is acting sounds emotionally abusive. I do not want to sound like I am judging your relationship because I can see you care deeply about your partner. I am, however, worried about you staying in a toxic environment if your partner is not willing to change. Just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost! You sound like you’re taking wonderful steps to do so. I wish you the best luck in your recovery as an SO! I hope to read your journal soon!

[JenMac]

Hi Dawn,
I am so glad you have found us! It is a sad and trying place in which you find yourself but you are taking steps to help yourself through this and that is so very important. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking out support through Sanon and now through TTF. I can tell you that this can be huge to building your strength and finding a path to healing. I do not belong to Sanon but I am a member of Alanon and I know how much that has helped me through some difficult times in my life.
Dawn, TTF has been a true blessing in my life for the past 15 months! I can't imagine where I would be without it. My H, Mac is also here and we have found peace and healing through all the support and wisdom from the people here. I know you will be glad to have this place to come to in times of distress.
I want to echo what Waterlily told you and encourage you to start a journal. I have always found it incredibly powerful to get my thoughts from my head to the page. I know it will be the same for you!
Please take care of you first! Your wellbeing is indeed the most important thing in all of this!
Hugs Dawn!
Jenn

[dawn1952]

IN NEED OF HELP, of course it's okay for you to say something! I'm glad you did. It helps so much to hear from those who have struggled with SA -- it helps me to understand more, it helps me to prepare myself for my own healing, and it gives me hope that things can change.

That said, I don't kid myself into thinking that my partner will change (although I don't rule it out). It's just that, until this relationship, SA never even entered my radar, I'd heard of it but didn't have a clue what it was. I lived my life in a sort of "pollyanna" bubble I guess, where I basically believed people were good, love was forever, and someone who says they love me would never hurt me. I went into this relationship with my eyes wide shut, naive and hopeful.

I understand now just how much I'd ignored all the red flags and just pushed ahead like nothing was wrong. I think I may have put too much hope into what seems now to be a hopeless situation. Now, I have to admit that to myself, and it's hard.

Knowing I have friends like you here, helps me find some strength in just understanding what's going on. I might not be able to change it, but I can at least understand it as much as I can and then make the decisions I need to make to be healthy myself.

Thanks so much.

[dawn1952]

I am, however, worried about you staying in a toxic environment if your partner is not willing to change. Just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost!

Thanks, waterlily. Now that I'm finally talking about it, I can feel something "click" in me. Something's changing in a subtle way right now, it's like I'm able to more easily distance myself from the pain -- not necessarily from him, but from the pain. Although I am distancing myself from him, too. I used to care what he was doing and where he was. Now, I actually don't think about it. I'm starting a business, so I just go into my office and work. He can do whatever he wants. It feels good.

I know that one thing I need to be careful of is using my work to distract myself, to cover up my emotions. I'm trying to not do that. Instead, I'm working hard to get it going so I can be financially independent enough to leave, if that's what I choose to do. For too long, I've been financially (and in other ways) dependent on him. I'm trying to change that.

[dawn1952]

Please take care of you first! Your wellbeing is indeed the most important thing in all of this!

Thanks, Jenn. It feels good to know I have friends who understand what I'm going through.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Dawn,
I'm in a bad place right now and had promised myself I wouldn't offer any advice or hope or warnings to anyone. First, welcome to TTF.
They do wonderful things here, and as you begin reading the SO journals of others, you will be amazed at how similar our (the SOs) reactions are the hurt, betrayal and dishonesty of our PAs.
From where I am sitting, 62, retired, in poor health, I just want to tell you to pack up your stuff and run like crazy. That IS NOT for me or anyone else to say. If you feel in physical danger from your PA, leave. That would be a priority as in taking care of yourself first.
You must understand that PAs would rather lie, cheat, or walk over your body if you passed out on the floor to get to their p. It is their queen, and they are very loyal subjects.
The fact that it distorts women's bodies, their reactions as sexual and romantic partners, injures and sickens its performers, destroys real relationships, and causes the worst kind of pain and injury to a woman's soul and self image does not compute. As the addiction progresses, they become like lab rats, wired with electrodes attached to the pleasure centers in their brains. When they push a lever (much akin to clicking the mouse), the pleasure center is stimulated over and over again. After a time, they lose interest in eating or mating with a receptive female. It is a selfish addiction, and some therapists say, one of the hardest ones to break.
I am again, thinking my option is to leave, and that is after 41 years of marriage and three grown children. Dawn, this is so exhausting.

I am sorry you have problems serious enough to need to be here. I am sorry for your pain and your loss of self-image. I am sorry that you are involved with someone who is incapable of seeing your loving qualities and the real beauty therein. They are the qualities of which relationships are made and last, that will be there in good and bad times, and will help buffer the difficulties encountered in life.

For yourself, because exercise is so therapeutic to raise endorphins and cause a person to FEEL better, I strongly suggest getting into a regular exercise routine...walking, going to a gym, swimming. You don't have to have weight loss as a goal, but just want to feel better again. Keep sharing and venting here. Listen to what the gals here have to say. Their combined wisdom is worth more than the sums of all their weights, mine included. They are supportive, loving and caring and they understand in a way few others can. See if you can find a friend to exercise with...maybe even meet someone at the gym, and try to show up at the same time till you are comfortable enough to ask them if they would be willing to partner with you, as partnering makes it harder to give up and just stay home. You will have another outlet for your frustration.
God bless you as you begin to recover. Please excuse me if I have an unwanted edge to what I say. I am hurting today, and everyone here knows how that feels.
disillusioned

[dawn1952]

From where I am sitting, 62, retired, in poor health, I just want to tell you to pack up your stuff and run like crazy. That IS NOT for me or anyone else to say. If you feel in physical danger from your PA, leave. That would be a priority as in taking care of yourself first.

Dear disillusioned, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. The only thing I can do is send you a hug, so here goes ((((hug)))). Take care of yourself.

I'm sitting in a similar place as far as age (I'm 59). I'm not retired though, I'm starting a business so I can take care of myself. My health (knock on wood) is fine right now.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I don't feel in physical danger. In fact, I'm confident that he'll never hurt me in that way. His way is emotionally knocking me around, then acting like he didn't do anything. To him, it's just being "honest". But, unfortunately, his honesty is brutal to me.

You must understand that PAs would rather lie, cheat, or walk over your body if you passed out on the floor to get to their p. It is their queen, and they are very loyal subjects.

I agree except that my PA, like I said, is brutally honest and tells it like it is -- he enjoys looking and he's NOT going to let anyone tell him what to do in his own house. It's become easy for me to see when he's getting anxious and needs to get his "fix" though. When it's time, nothing stands in his way, much less me -- even if we're in the middle of something.

The fact that it distorts women's bodies, their reactions as sexual and romantic partners, injures and sickens its performers, destroys real relationships, and causes the worst kind of pain and injury to a woman's soul and self image does not compute. As the addiction progresses, they become like lab rats, wired with electrodes attached to the pleasure centers in their brains. When they push a lever (much akin to clicking the mouse), the pleasure center is stimulated over and over again. After a time, they lose interest in eating or mating with a receptive female. It is a selfish addiction, and some therapists say, one of the hardest ones to break.

Very well put. I asked him why he does it and he said "because it makes me happy." He's not going to give up something that makes him happy, even if it hurts me. Of course, I'm expected to give up eating foods that make ME happy all in the name of getting healthy so he'll be attracted to me. Needless to say, it's making me kind of bitter.

I am again, thinking my option is to leave, and that is after 41 years of marriage and three grown children. Dawn, this is so exhausting.

I'm sorry, disillusioned. It can be exhausting enough thinking of leaving at all, but 41 years together is a long time. I wish you well and I'm here for you, if you need to talk.

I am sorry you have problems serious enough to need to be here. I am sorry for your pain and your loss of self-image. I am sorry that you are involved with someone who is incapable of seeing your loving qualities and the real beauty therein. They are the qualities of which relationships are made and last, that will be there in good and bad times, and will help buffer the difficulties encountered in life.

I'm sorry for you, too. For me, it amazes me sometimes how I can look in the mirror and see a pretty woman there, someone who everyone says looks 10 years younger than her age, but when it comes to him he drives me down so low that I abhor myself. It distorts my reality. It makes me question if I'm just deluding myself into thinking that I'm worth anything. I vacillate between rage and despair, between hating myself and hating him. We all deserve lasting, quality relationships that withstand good and bad times, but dealing with this I don't see much good. Instead, every time I close my eyes I can't get the images out of my head! I try to go to sleep and I'm seeing his latest favorite I discovered when I looked at his internet history yet again. (God, help me to stop looking!!!!)

For yourself, because exercise is so therapeutic to raise endorphins and cause a person to FEEL better, I strongly suggest getting into a regular exercise routine...walking, going to a gym, swimming. You don't have to have weight loss as a goal, but just want to feel better again.

Right before I started writing here, I started an email to my trainer. I was going to cancel for this week, make some kind of excuse not to go because I've been eating junk and I haven't exercised once all week. I still want to write to her, but I'm holding off for now. I can still cancel by Wednesday, but I want to give myself more time to think about it and to reinforce what good I get out of it. It's amazing how much I've learned to NOT take care of myself, to think of others first. Partly, I think that comes from being a mother for so many years and just thinking of my kids (which is how it should be.) But I have to remind myself that this man really doesn't deserve my regard and he doesn't deserve me taking care of his needs above my own. After all, he won't do that for me.

God bless you as you begin to recover. Please excuse me if I have an unwanted edge to what I say. I am hurting today, and everyone here knows how that feels.
disillusioned

You, too disillusioned. No worries. I'm sorry you're hurting and hope tomorrow's a brighter day.

dawn