Wife of SA for 16 years & TIRED of IT

[bethann27]

New to this site (at the advice of my spouse) but not so new to the world of the addict. Talked with my DH last night and told him enough is enough get help from someone qualified OR I plan to leave at the end of the year.

He believes it is fundamentally my deficits (?!?) that cause / fuel / give him an excuse to do it. SO very tired of the merry-go-round & LIES. Need support as I am so wounded by this marriage that I have isolated myself from many.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Bethann27,

I wanted to welcome you to the forum and let you know that you will find MANY friends here who care about YOU and know what you are feeling and going through. I am an SO also and have battled with this, with my H for over 18 years. With the last discovery I made of my H using P, I hit bottom. We are in recovery now for the FIRST time. This is something that can not be done alone. For years my H promised he would stop but did not, and so here we are hanging on for life at the end of the rope.

I have learned so much here. I'm sooo sorry that you are in so much pain, but I can relate. I hope you find some strength here and start your own recovery regardless if your H does or not, because you definitely deserve it.

I encourage you to start your journal if you haven 't already. It helps so much to get your story and thoughts out. The other women here are AMAZING to say the least.

Big hugs, and welcome even though I know it probably feels painful to just be here, but it will HELP you.

[JenMac]

Hi Bethann!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found us! TTF has been a blessing in my life for the past 14 months. I don't know where I would be without it as I chose not to share this with family and friends.
Bethann, you are in no way to blame for this problem in your H's life. It is his and his alone. But of course you are affected greatly by his actions. And so, to be here in this place of healing to gain support and to learn from others who have experienced the same things, is a very good thing for you! The isolation you speak of is something most of us have experienced.
I am glad to hear that your H directed you here Bethann. I think that is a very good thing! Perhaps he would be interested in joining as well. There are many couples here who have chosen to work through this together and that is indeed the best way if both are ready and willing. My H Mac is also here and I can tell you Bethann, that while it has been a very difficult year with many challenges, it has also been a year of reconnection and healing. We are closer and stronger than we have been in a long time and I credit a lot of that for our journey together with TTF to help navigate us.
Looking forward to hearing more from you Bethann. As BHA suggested, please start a journal in the SO journal section. Getting your thoughts and feelings out is a very important process in your healing.
All the best!
Jenn

[Charly22]

He believes it is fundamentally my deficits (?!?) that cause / fuel / give him an excuse to do it. SO very tired of the merry-go-round & LIES. Need support as I am so wounded by this marriage that I have isolated myself from many.

Welcome. Hope you find this site to be as much comfort and as much help as it has been for me. I hope you can start a journal and use this as an outlet, so you don't bottle it up. This site can be a great tool for letting it out.

While I do believe that there are many things that can trigger a pa, please don't let his belief make you feel like it is all your fault. In fact, the fact that he is a pa is in no way your fault at all. The truth is, ANY kind of an addict will be triggered by normal every day life happenings. So, while what he says is probably alot of truth to him, it is an EXCUSE. Yes, we can try to be supportive, and try to help them crawl out of the pit they are in, but we cannot be the total blame for it all. There are things we can do to try to change the situation, and eliminate triggers, even try to change things about ourselves to not put fuel on the fire (like rage and anger, it is our job to get these under control). But it is his job to find a more healthy proper way of dealing with life, and triggers, and your "deficits".

I hope you feel welcome here and will start a journal.

[stillandagain]

I welcome you, too, and encourage you to read a few of our SO journals!

Then you will know beyond any doubt that you are not alone in this.

[Cupcakemomma]

Welcome. You are on the perfect place to deal with this. TONS of great people, ready to offer their support and kindness here :)

[bethann27]

Thanks so much for the positive responses. I am in a sad place right now. To be honest I have held much in for many years. It is just so hard for others to even begin to understand. That added to a very intelligent husband who has bambazooled what I thought were good therapists has left me bitter & feeling hopeless at times. I have chosen to tell anyone who might be able to get through to my DH. I have always known that God has something better for him & will continue to pray that he will be able to find his way out if this. And yes ... journaling sounds great right now.

[stillandagain]

if and when you decide to read our SO journals, you will learn that "others" DO understand
we have been there, too
we are there

we are here, for each other and you

[bethann27]

I must admit that I do not want to be one of you . . . I do not want to be a statistic . . . I do not want to believe that this kind of help is necessary for - gasp - me & my husband.

I DO want to thank each of you who responded. I DO feel much better after reading through some of the journals. I DO believe that there are people who are "normal" who have had this problem & have reached some level of healing.

Started a journal this morning & feel a little less like I need to vomit this morning - thanks again :)

[stillandagain]

I don't want to be one of me/us, either, bethann! not for a minute!

However, I am so very glad that I am not alone, and that there are more "one of me/us's" out there.

I have been alone, in agony, for far, far too long. It is time to kiss it goodbye: my relationship to the P, my reactions, my fear and suspicion and policing and self-deprecation and sacrificing myself and enabling and all the rest.

It helpes ME to find this place where I could say it all, finally, and someone would get it.

Again, welcome!