Wife of SA for 16 years & TIRED of IT

[Disillusioned]

Hi again, Beth Ann,
I just finished writing a response in your introductory journal "NOTES." It shared my experience with sharing the information that my h was involved with P, strip shows, etc. I had not read this portion of your journal yet. I don't do well with computers and web sites in general, so please accept my apology for being awkward, and not following a nice flowing thread.

I did want to add one thing about disclosure to others. I have seen various statistics on p involvement by clergy and church members and the results were shocking. Estimates of from 40-70% according to who you read. In men, counselors, clergy and in general, sometimes hearing of some other fellows' problems with P triggers a response called sympathy something or other. In other words, they can identify with feelings of lust, and are not likely to condemn. I have seen p use called the "elephant in the pew" at church.

By no means, am I saying don't disclose if that is where your heart is. I am only telling you my experience and what I have read. I hope with all that is in me that whatever you choose helps your situation and ends your pain. Whatever you pick is right for you.

I was surprised your H recommended this site if he is an active p user. I am wondering if he knew the content and how many of the members feel.

BethAnn, good luck as you fight this modern plague that has infected your marriage and is affecting your family. I only hope for the best for all of you and am so very glad that you are talking to folks on TTF. It is a sad place, for sure.

By the way, I didn't want to be here either. In fact, I joined so I could see what other SOs were saying, without having any real intention of writing or offering opinions. Once I got my feet wet, I jumped right in, and I am learning and getting stronger all the time.
disillusioned

[bethann27]

I did want to add one thing about disclosure to others. I have seen various statistics on p involvement by clergy and church members and the results were shocking. Estimates of from 40-70% according to who you read. In men, counselors, clergy and in general, sometimes hearing of some other fellows' problems with P triggers a response called sympathy something or other. In other words, they can identify with feelings of lust, and are not likely to condemn. I have seen p use called the "elephant in the pew" at church.

By no means, am I saying don't disclose if that is where your heart is. I am only telling you my experience and what I have read. I hope with all that is in me that whatever you choose helps your situation and ends your pain. Whatever you pick is right for you.

Thanks for the reply. After reading much more on this site I have come to realize that we are in the minority . . . those of us who are willing to take a stand and say: NO I will not pretend that this is ok! This is mass marketing and peer pressure at it's very worst & I'm sure the pure evil behind it is just laughing at everyone who accepts it.

Truth is the only thing that will bring this into the light & that is where healing begins. Many of our husbands, children, pastors, friends, neighbors and family members will have difficulty finding a place to stand when this hits them in the face simply because it would set them apart from the crowd. I will choose to say NO and I will just have to deal with the fall out. The pain of living with the secrets is surly worse.

Just as a thought . . . I was wondering the other day about the divorce rate within the church, acceptance of P*%! etc. Is it possible that the numbers are so high because those are exactly the people who have realized that they need to reach out to a powerful God, but instead find themselves conforming to a pretend "perfect" church?

Anyway, all of the thoughts from you and others about not disclosing this issue are taken with thanks even if I choose not to follow the advice. I have found that it shows me those who really care . . . those who meant it when they stood at my wedding and promised to support my marriage.

bethann

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi Bethann,

I have also chosen disclosure as my path. I don't shout it from the rooftops, but my good friends, some co-workers, and my brothers know what's been happening with my husband. He was a P addict, along with a chat and phone sx addict. He is in full recovery now, but that doesn't mean life is all sunshine and roses, but it gets better. Anyway, disclosure is risky because people might not react in a supportive way, but hey, that's life. I choose not to let this be a secret. And maybe by talking about it, other people who have this secret life might figure out that just because it is a secret, doesn't make it right.

My husband also chose disclosure and spoke at our church about sxual addiction and his recovery. You want to talk about disclosure? We live in a small military community.... many people know, and some are even folks I work indirectly with. But, it hasn't made any difference in our day to day interactions, and I can only hope it makes a difference in some of their lives.

Some people might say that because it is your husband's addiction, you have no right to make disclosure for them. I disagree. It is your husband's choice that impacts YOUR life, and you have every right to talk about YOUR life. If someone doesn't want this discussed, then they shouldn't do it. This addiction thrives on secrecy.

I wish you well in your journey.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Bethann, welcome to our TTF community! I'm sorry that you've had to endure this kind of thing in your relationship but you're definitely not alone in this journey of recovery and healing and you'll find this site to be very supporting and comforting in your journey!

As for disclosing this issue with others... I can certainly understand you wanting to but unless it's someone who's dealing with it themselves I think they really wouldn't get it and they would be of little help to either of you. Don't get me wrong... I'm glad that you've decided to no longer accept this in your life and I hope your husband gets to that point as well.

You mentioned that you joined here on his advice... is he a member here as well? I joined after my wife (Hopeful) because I realized that it was not going to work if we weren't working together on the healing and recovery!

I wish you the best Bethann and hope things turn around for the better... I'm here to tell you that it is possible!

[Hopeful59]

New to this site (at the advice of my spouse) but not so new to the world of the addict. Talked with my DH last night and told him enough is enough get help from someone qualified OR I plan to leave at the end of the year.

He believes it is fundamentally my deficits (?!?) that cause / fuel / give him an excuse to do it. SO very tired of the merry-go-round & LIES. Need support as I am so wounded by this marriage that I have isolated myself from many.

Boy, isn't that what they all do: blame someone else! I heard similar junk from my H. He was bored (apparently with me and our s*x life - yeah, me too!). I wasn't taking care of his needs. He didn't think I cared. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it... ad nauseum.

A man really isn't a man until he takes responsibility for his own choices and actions.

[bethann27]

You mentioned that you joined here on his advice... is he a member here as well? I joined after my wife (Hopeful) because I realized that it was not going to work if we weren't working together on the healing and recovery!

No not yet. He has been switching between the "you are crazy" speech to "I think I might join TTF". He probably feels like he's playing chess with someone who has changed all the rules right about now. And yes I do think he's following my posts so . . . hi honey - I love you, but it's time for you to make a choice :)

[bethann27]

I do think he's following my posts so . . . hi honey - I love you, but it's time for you to make a choice :)

For the record . . . my DH called me shortly after this post to to let me know that his account activation was rejected last night. So I guess I am being watched closely :) I am ok with this - it makes me feel good.