New SO here, not new to the addiction. (PAH refugee)

[cbh]

My account was just fully activated, so as advised by the admin welcome message, I am posting my "welcome message." I am new to this site, but I am anything but new to the pain and suffering that porn addiction can bring to a family. I am the spouse of a severely addicted man who is a classical textbook addict. He does not believe he has a problem and has attempted no kind of recovery, aside from a few attempts at the white knuckle approach... and that only led to an ever increasing amount of anger, frustration, and hostility towards me, which has boiled over in some very, very ugly incidents on his part directed towards me on more than one occasion. At the same time, I am your classic textbook partner.

I was a member of another forum some time ago. After finding understanding, comfort, solace, and friendship, I eventually made the conscious decision to wean myself away from the obsession that the forum had become for me. It was anything but healthy, and visiting the forum once, twice, sometimes multiple times a day, I realized that I was really just pouring salt in my own wounds. I was re-living the pain over and over again each time I posted, responded, or simply read through the threads. As I drifted away, more and more time would pass between posts, and eventually I stopped visiting the forum altogether. My husband and I entered into a relatively descent period, or what appeared to be a relatively descent period, and I allowed myself to live in my own little fantasy world for at least three or four months, if not longer. The realization that something was amiss came somewhat suddenly. Not that I hadn't noticed the behavior changes as he re-entered -- or simply continued -- the addiction, but I had become a master "porn cop" and believed that my husband was more or less "clean." To recall it now, I can't tell you much of anything about the day aside from the fact that I had managed to find myself home alone with some time to kill before my husband made it home from work. I poured through the computer files and the information available from my keylogger, checked the television for PPV purchases, looked in the normal hiding spots for DVDs and other data discs, and flopped down on the couch in frustration, mostly mad at myself for being so "paranoid." And then it hit me... the gaming systems. My heart raced as I poured through page after page after page of browsing history on one of his game systems showing porn, porn, and more porn. To make a long story short, I rushed to the computer to log-in to the forum, needing to tell someone, looking for comforting words from familiar "friends;" instead, I found none of that because the forum was gone. It was devastating, to say the least. I searched other forums for familiar faces and posted threads here and there, but I've never felt at "home." And, I'm admittedly gun shy, not wanting to experience that same kind of loss again.

Forgive me for not re-telling the story from start to finish. It would take hours, maybe even days, to do so, and I'm not particularly fond of re-living it again. It's a story that's not so much unlike the stories of countless other women in similar situations. My husband's porn addiction does not (or at least did not) extend beyond internet pornography and DVDs in conjunction with compulsive mb. I watched hopelessly from the sidelines as my husband's need to seek out pornographic images increased, as did the nature of the material as he learned towards more and more disturbing preferences. I tried every approach possible from screaming and yelling, begging and pleading, empathy, and denial hoping to get my husband's attention and make him see the err of his ways. Each passing day simply created more distance between us, on my part at least. I became void and distant, not wanting any kind of physical contact whatsoever, which (like many of my "flaws") has simply led to a build up of anger, frustration, resentment, etc., that my husband eventually takes out on me. He's nothing like the man I thought I married.

At this point, however, his addiction has escalated to acting out in other ways. On top of being verbally/emotionally/mentally abusive, he is also physically abusive... well, there have been some somewhat minor physically violent episodes for the better part of a year or so, but they have now increased and escalated beyond any means of rationalization, justification, or excuse. I realize this forum is not necessarily here to address these kinds of issues; I have only mentioned it because I truly believe it is related to the porn addiction. There are also other acting out behaviors that I will not mention for fear that they could be triggering for some, but I will say that I am finding it immensely difficult to deal with the aftermath of his behavior. I've seriously considering seeking therapy but have yet to do so. And, honestly, I can't tell you why. I'm beginning to worry, though, that I'm finally starting to fall apart. I feel like an empty shell, and although I've held up very well over the past three to four years, I think that the ups and downs, raging emotions, and constant tension brought on by my own anger and frustration is finally starting to wear on me. Not only do I feel both mentally and physically exhausted, I have trouble falling asleep, have difficulty focusing, and am struggling at work. My entire world has become consumed by my failing marriage, and at the core of that is my husband's porn addiction, the "unspeakable" little secret my husband carries around with him all the while blaming me and my "flaws," -- openly and publicly -- for our issues. And, so, I continue cycle through the stages of grief in random and repeating order... over and over again.

[Cupcakemomma]

Welcome to TTF. We are here to help you :)

[JenMac]

Hi CBH,
Welcome to TTF! I know you will be glad you have found us!
I am sorry for all you are going through, for all you have experienced in the past!
I encourage you to start a journal in the SO journal section.
There are many kind, wise and supportive SOs here and I know you will feel at home in no time!
There are also a number of recovering couples on TTF, if your H would choose to come here for support.
Wishing you all the best cbh!
Sending you hugs and prayers!
Jenn

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

cbh-

I hope you are able to find the help you need. TTF is a very helpful place and people here know what you are going through. I read what you said about therapy but I am not sure exactly what you would get out of it. Anyone, but especially a therapist, would first address the physical abuse which is not acceptable and advise you to get out of this situation and be safe. I don't know if you have children, but if so, there is a risk to them too. Even if he never touches them, the impact of having a mother physically abused is immense. So, a therapist would just tell you what you already know. You can't find peace for yourself and in your marriage if you are not safe.

I wish you well and hope you choose your personal safety and well-being.

[autumn88]

This may not be the type of advice I'm suppose to be giving, but if your husband is abusive to you and he refuses to admit any wrong doing - and this situation ceases to change then you should leave him.

You have to live your life for yourself, making yourself number one. He isn't thinking about your feelings so you have to. You are not just a relationship, you are a person who has a million things unique and great about yourself.

I don't know. I'll probably get flack for this, but I've been witness to many abusive relationships, and I don't think anyone should let you think its okay.


Being addicted to porn/sex is one thing, being outright abusive is completely different.

[HopefulsRock]

Cbh, indeed welcome to TTF and I sincerely know that the members here will give you the support you need to get stronger and help you through this ugly addiction and the damages it causes.

Stay strong Cbh...!

[Disillusioned]

Hi CBH,
Welcome to TTF, a place where broken hearts are soothed by a special balm of kindness and understanding. I am sorry for your hurt and feelings of confusion and loss.

As a nurse, there is a red flag sticking out from all the other information you have shared. That being the increasing physical abuse. In addition to objectifying women, P can even cause a PA to objectify his own wife. You are compared to the lovely young things that are brutalized in P, and the PA sometimes finds the boundaries of physical restraint have moved just as his moral ones have. My heartfelt advice to you, again comes from being a nurse, get out. Don't think about him, the bills, etc. Get to a Women's shelter and get safe. They can help you to start sorting things out. If you are alive and whole, you can deal with the fallout tomorrow. Do not be afraid to call the police and report the abuse. It is even good to have it on record, in case more legal action is pending. But, I am sincerely praying that you get out before there is another incident. Coping with PA is terrible enough, but that he would lay his hands on the body of the one he should be willing to protect at all costs is completely another.
God bless you as you sort through this and try to clear up your thinking.
disillusioned