Porn Addict 46

[foxglove123]

Hello I think it is time I introduced myself. I am a male porn addict, age 46 years. I was first exposed to porn when I was about 11, finding some in the possession of my elder brother. I still remember the images vividly.

The amount of porn I have amassed on my two PCs and one laptop, well it is absurd really. If I looked at one image a day and one film clip, it would probably take me the rest of my life time to get through only a fraction of it. I seem to feel a need to horde, horde and horde.

The probably as I see it is not that I like looking at porn per se, its the extent of this affliction. OK, I enjoy a drink, but only consume on average 10 - 15 units of alcohol per week. Therefore, I am in control. But, its not like this with porn, its in control of me.

I am in a relationship, a totally sexless one, which is not helping the situation. The reasons it is sexless are complex I think and are to do with a lot more than my love off of porn. Despite the lack of sex, my girlfriend and I have quite a good understanding and are the best of friends generally.

Incidentally, she knows I like porn and she is totally against it. This makes me uncomfortable on many levels. She does not know the volume I have accumulated and if she did she would be shocked. I also have an interest in ****** porn, amongst other niches. Since she was physically abused as a child, this makes me very uncomfortable. The idea of someone enduring a ***** for the money, ethically I know that is questionable. However, i feel better about viewing genuine ******** porn. As many readers will know the internet is full of ****. It is hard to get away from it, even on the rare occasion I am genuinely not looking for it.

Regards

Total porn addict

[Daniel]

Welcome to TTF Foxglove,

I see from your introductory post that your situation is similar to many: amassed collections, sense of shame and/or foreboding, SO does not know "the extent", etc.

So just a basic and thoroughly friendly question:

Why are you here?

This community stands ready to help you if it is help you want.

But more than help, how about freedom from your 35-year old jail?

Is this what you are seeking?

Daniel

[rosie]

Hi, and welcome!

I can't see what you wrote so I have no idea what much of you said was :|

Having said that, the sex issues are huge in a PA relationship so I wouldn't be so quick to write them off as "not because of p", because most often they are - and instead of the lack of sex being a reasoning for using P, P is often the reason why sex stops (in my experience).

Anyway, hope you enjoy the forum!

[foxglove123]

It took a while for me to overcome my apprehension of participating and I am not happy at the censorial hand which interfered with my initial submission. In addition, if I am unable through censorship to be frank and honest how can my issues be addressed? OK, I submitted before reading all the rules. OK, it saves typing to use abbreviations, but to make it mandatory, quite frankly I don’t like that. Also P covers a very broad spectrum and surely we have to consider separate components? It’s as if we are trying to stuff the very thing we are supposed to be addressing under the carpet…

Why am I here – because if I am honest I know I have a problem with P, that’s why. Lots of things are also addictive / potentially addictive; do the censors suggest they should all be brushed aside to? However, I don’t see the issue in question quite as black as some, more a shade of grey. I want to have an intelligent and informed debate/discussion and don’t think I have got off to a good start.

Rose, one reason my partner and I no longer attend is because she has bi- polar illness. It’s a complex and long tale. Supporting her has taken a lot of effort. In fact, in recent years I have developed my own health problems, having had a minor stroke in 2009 and consequent epilepsy. I was also bereft of my father and brother in close succession. Now I have arthritis in one foot so can not undertake the running and long distance walking which used to give me so much pleasure and help my self esteem. I used to be quite obsessive in these activities.

I am attempting to give some background, not a sob story. I have struggled with self esteem issues for virtually all my life, have found it hard to get physically close to girls/women, was very shy as a child and for much of my early adulthood to. I also endured long periods of unemployment in my 20s. Much of the past has been crap but I am determined to not let it spoil the rest of my time on planet earth.

Thanks

Foxlove

[rosie]

Hi again Fox :) Glad you came back.

Yeah, the censorship is for 'triggers' according to the lawmakers :P. To be honest I get what you're saying re: censorship - I know its hard to run a forum and please everyone, but I have often thought that if words on a forum can make someone act out, or, if they are used as an excuse for acting out - chances are they don't have a whole lot of hope in recovery or living in the real world with their addiction. But, hey, the admins make the rules so we need to respect them or we can't be here. At least you know now (dont worry, I still forget sometimes :()! I honestly don't think anyone here would condemn you for using those words in your first post, you have newbie privilege so don't stress it and please keep sharing!

Thanks for sharing your story about your SO - does sound complex indeed, and I hope you both work through these issues for a healthier happier life together.

Hope to see you around!

[Admin2]

I am not happy at the censorial hand which interfered with my initial submission.

Hello Foxlove, and apologies that you were not happy for your post being editted.

Following on from Rosie's explanation, the TTF team works hard to maintain the forums to be a relaxed and safe place. This means when a PA member specifically is at a weak moment, they should feel comfortable enough to come to the forums and not have to read the word "porn" or "mastrubate" or any other forum of genre of P across the site.

In addition to this, many members use filtering software which will actually block a page out if certain words are scanned on a page. So again it is in place to help members who have strict controls on their filtering software to read the site with ease.

I hope you know have a better understanding of the reason for this measure, and realise that the rules are not in place to make ones life difficult, but if we have to think about maintaining the site for the membership majority.

Kind Regards
Admin2
On behalf of the TTF Team

[2frustrated]

Looks like the tags at the bottom show what was deleted.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here and had the guts to open up about your addiction. I think once you become acclimated to the site, you'll see that the censorship is there for good reasons, and not as bad as you might think. I look forward to follow along on your journey and help where I can along the way.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hello foxglove

I just want to say, that I am encouraged by you coming here for the much needed help, that we all need in our recovery. I do hope to see you back here, writing your thoughts down.
Please do not get discouraged because your post had to have some edits to it. you are not the first, nor will you be the last one, that it happens to. the thing is, you can come here and share your story with us, and not need to explain every action. I say this, because most of us, have been down the same road that you are on, and even without saying certain words, we do know what you are referring to. we are all happy that you came here, and we all want you to continue to come here for your help in your recovery.

If you are to come back, and continue writhing in a journal, you will see that you are not alone with all of your issues that you have. many of our addictions are different, but there are many who had the very same addiction you have, and there for, we are able to help you. As you come here, you will see why things are taken out of peoples posts that they put here. you will soon see that this is a very safe place to be in your recovery. The administrators do what they need to do, to protect the recovery of everyone here.

Even though what you wrote, may not trigger many here, we need to think about the ones who are not as strong in there recovery, who can be triggered, even by words. You will come appreciate all of the hard work, that is done here at TTF, to make this one of the best place to be, for your recovery

With that said, I do hope you come here more, and let us help you, anyway that we an. We just the the best for you, in want you need to do, to free yourself from your addictions

[Teemo]

Hey Foxglove,

I'm glad you are here. This site has been a great help to me. I hope you will find it helpful, too. As PAs we have to learn about how our addiction works. To do that we need input from others who have been there, and others who are going through experiences similar to our own. There is a lot of power in sharing this problem - writing, reading, reflecting on where we are and what we are learning. I guarantee that reading about the experiences of the SOs on this site will move you. If you are not yet sure how much commitment this struggle is worth, I hope you will try to make that decision soon. For me, and for many others who are here, it is worth everything. Life is good. Too good to waste it by throwing it at an addiction.

Teemo