Heavy-hearted

[Mrs Black]

Hello there.

I am new to this site and I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that I am the partner of a PA. Ashamed because I somehow feel that he has the addiction because I am not enough for him and embarrassed because I can't cope alone anymore.....

There are some inspirational people on this site and I have read through a few threads before feeling able to post my first post - but here I am.

I first realised that there might be a problem before our marriage when I walked in on him using porn. I was shocked because our children were in another room at the time and they could of caught him instead of me. He promised me it was a one of and I believed him. To cut the story short - he uses and tries to hide it from me....but i know, and it hurts.

I feel like a fool because you either leave him because you don't want to live that way anymore, right? or you just keep quiet and live with it, right? I can't live this way anymor but I don't want to leave him. Each time i think he'll stop and each time he goes back to it, i feel a little more worthless...it's like, i'm just not worth anything that he can hurt me this way...

I don't want to spew all my feelings on this first post I guess that's what the journals are for - i will start one of those.

Anyway - just wanted to say hi and say that i think there are a lot of really strong and dedicated people on here and I admire you all so much for sharing and healing in this way.

Bel x

[stillandagain]

"ashamed," "embarassed," "like a fool," are all feelings I have felt, deep down, for what seems like a long time.

It is GOOD to share here. There are people who listen and care.

Welcome. I hope you find what you need here for you.

[2frustrated]

My wife expressed the same sentiment, that I must be using p because she was not enough for me. That is NOT the case. I doubt there is even one man who uses p because his wife is not enough. So please don't think that. This is his problem, and you can support him while he deals with it, but don't put any of the blame on yourself.

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF Mrs. Black!
I am glad you are here! It is a very difficult place you find yourself in but by coming here you will feel less alone! There is much support here and I hope you will find TTF to be the blessing that I have over the past year.
This is a true tragedy in our society and you are dealing with a trauma in your life. I truly believe that! I likened it to grieving as that is how it seemed to affect me.
Mrs. Black, take the time now to heal for yourself. It is a long process but it can be done. Setting boundaries and deciding and speaking up for what you need to feel safe and loved is very important too but that can be developed over time. Right now it is necessary for you to start to get support for yourself first and foremost.
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn

[Mrs Black]

Thank you all so much for your welcome.

I hope that I can find healing and peace here and maybe, some day, reach out to others affected by this.

Bel x

[Teemo]

Mrs Black,

I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her - and yet I have spent years using pornography and masturbating and hiding it from her. Is that crazy? Yes. I have no explanation for how I got to this place, but I know this: It is not because of anything lacking in her. It is my weakness, my vulnerability to lust, my choices, that over time have led to the point where I could not stop on my own. I needed help and I am getting it. I don't presume to have advice for you, but I thank you for taking the step of coming to this forum and looking for help here. Your husband needs help. Hopefully he will come to know that.

Teemo