Trying very hard to be supportive of my H

[Amanda424]

I would like to start off by saying I think this site is amazing. When I first realized my H had a PA I didn't think we had much hope. He has told me several times in the past that he didn't think he could ever go to marriage counseling because he has a hard enough time expressing his feelings to me, let alone some stranger. So when I realized he had this addiction I knew he wouldn't go to a therapist and from what I have read it is very difficult to beat this without therapy. This site is almost like online therapy and I actually feel like there is hope for us now.

My H has had this addiction for 10+ years and didn't realize it was an addiction until recently (about a month ago). We downloaded x3watch onto our computer and he has had a few slip ups and said he felt horrible about it afterwards. He is trying, and that is what matters most to me. He has been sober 4 days now, and I am so unbelievably proud of him. It isn't fair that he has to deal with this and it breaks my heart to know that he is struggling.

I try very hard to be supportive, but it is difficult sometimes. I have good days and bad days but I try not to give him a hard time about it. There have been times during our arguments that I've thrown it in his face and I felt awful about it afterwards, but I'm hurt. I just need to keep in mind that he is well aware of what this has done to our marriage and how badly it has hurt me.

Thank you to everyone who makes this site possible.

[vintageturtle]

Welcome to TTF, Amanda, though of course so sorry that you have to be here. It is heartwarming to hear how supportive and proud you are.

Do you think he would feel comfortable attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings? I know that some of the PAs here have attended phone-in meetings; perhaps that would be a place he could start if he is uncomfortable. My H saw a counselor who helped him work though a 12-step for SA workbook, but didn't really get much out of it, beyond the fact that it meant he had to "do his homework" for his appointments. He is now attending SA meetings, and he seems to get a lot more out of that. SA seems to make a huge difference to many PAs and SAs. You might try posting in the addiction recovery section to ask about the meetings; if you could reassure your H that he won't be expected to open up and share, that he can go and listen and read the literature etc., he might be more willing to go.

>:D< I remember how relieved I was to find this site. It is so wonderful to find out you're not alone. I'm glad you found it.

[presson]

Thanks for sharing, it is madness for sure; one thing that has helped me is immediately reducing access to porn (I just did this tonight). That is sort of a nonstarter - the temptation is too great and Google is too efficient at fetching. This computer I am typing on is now in a shared, open area. Your husband doesn't think he can handle therapy, well this site would be perfect for him. Many here are embarrassed to share face to face with others. The internet revolution spawned this storm and now it can be used to calm it.

Before recovery can begin though, a person has to want to change. For me, that did not come until I hit rock bottom and had already hurt a lot of people and missed a lot of opportunities. But then again, there is no one type of person - each moves at there own pace...I especially am slow (snl)

[Amanda424]

Vintageturtle,
I'm not sure if he would feel comfortable going to meetings, but probably not. I will ask him though. He may be open to the idea of the phone-in meetings, and then after a while maybe he'll warm up to the idea of actually attending a meeting. I think it would help him to know that he would not have to share and could just observe and listen.

I am so incredibly happy we found this site. I've read some articles and quite a few posts written by other SOs and I can relate so much to them that I feel like I could have written some.

Thank you for taking time to respond :)

[Amanda424]

Presson,
I am actually installing the k9filter as we speak. My H definitely wants to change. He is actually the one who found this site. I was pretty surprised by his reaction when I asked him if he thought he might have an addiction. I figured he would have been in denial about it, but instead he said, "Maybe. I'll do some research." He was more than willing to download the x3watch to our computer, which also surprised me.

Thank you also for responding :)

[JenMac]

Welcome Amanda!
I am glad you are here!!
You are right, TTF is an awesome site and a great resource for you and your H!
I wish you all the best as you begin your journey, together, here at TTF.
I invite you to start a journal in the SO journal thread. You will gain much from journalling your thoughts and feelings as well as receiving support from others who are experiencing the same things.
All the best Amanda!
Jenn
ps. I enjoyed our chat!!

[Amanda424]

Thank you so much, Jenn. I definitely plan on starting a journal. I enjoyed our chat as well, thanks again for taking the time to talk to me :)