SO x 2 First Post

[stillandagain]

Thank you for being out there, whoever you all are.

This is my second marriage to a PA. I feel ashamed, embarrassed and isolated from everyone I can think of to reach out to for support. I am cautiously hopeful that TTF will mark a new beginning, for me, for my H, and for us - and perhaps even toward recovery in my marriage. It seems as if we are both committed to surviving these early days of the current crisis, and are making promises to “get help” in many ways.

Typing that makes me crazy. How naïve am I?

The rage expressed within me and outside me is palpable. I cannot seem to stop myself. My anger is at my PA husband, I want to punish him, but I think its more fury at myself, for this repeated pattern of relating and relationship. I went to a Spouses of Pornography Addicts support group after my first divorce. It was helpful for learning, especially about my part in enabling, but I wasn’t working to stay in that relationship, so its like it was only “book learning.”

I have been with my PA spouse for more than 4 years, we have been married less than 2. He knew my story/history with PA within my first marriage, knew how it “makes me crazy.” I knew parts of his. It didn’t take long from the beginning of our (of course sexual) beginnings that he used porn “in front of me,” - seated cattycorner in a library where we were supposedly working on papers for the Residency we were nearly completing. I found our fairly soon that he was “looking for local singles,” younger than me, with a particular body type and hair color (similar to the wife he was divorcing, by the way – go figure), among other things, for which he was soon fired. When I asked him why, of course the answer was “curiosity.”

Why did I stay in the relationship from this “first time”? I have so many why questions of myself, it makes me ill just to think about naming them. My questions to him are incessant. I want the truth, the whole truth, about when and where and how he betrayed me and continually risked me, children, job, family, friends. His answers are evolving and changing, which is evidence that the lying continues.

The story goes on and on from there. I am broken. What are my issues that have brought this issue into my life STILL AND AGAIN?

The difference in THIS marriage is that I did not simply end it, nor do I want to or want to think that’s where we are headed. I feel a “no tolerance” of P, but have felt that as clearly before, and here I am, the Enabler.

I read the “fictional” story, The Dark Side of the Moon. It is my story. It is not fiction. He read it, too, making sure I knew that he knew it was “fiction.”

I feel like such a fool.

Thank you for reading

[JenMac]

Hi StillandAgain!
I am Jenn and I am an SO here at TTF. I have been here for about 11 months along with my H Mac. The discovery of this betrayal in my marriage was March 22, 2010 and it has been a long and difficult journey since that time. But we are here one year later feeling closer and stronger than perhaps ever before.
I am sorry for your pain and the heartbreak you are experiencing! I know that feeling of being so alone! I also know that coming here can help so much with that very feeling. I am glad you are here!
S&A, I didn't experience a lot of anger. I only felt a huge loss, a great deal of hurt. But you know, anger is hurt turned outward so that only means that the feelings are similar in what we were dealing with.
The early days post discovery are very difficult, up and down all over the place! The feelings and emotions are huge and we feel so very alone. I also found that my H was in damage control in those early days and so I was to learn more as time went on. He had a lot of learning to do as well as coming to terms with things and being able to be honest with not only me, but himself as well.
I can empathize with your feeling broken. I felt incredibly weak and needy during the first several months. It took time for me to build my strength and to get a sense of equilibrium back into my life. I felt like this knocked me completely off centre!
I am glad you are here stillandagain. I found TTF to be a true blessing in my life over the past year! I don't know where we would be without it.
I hope you will find it the same way for you! If your H chooses to join us, I know he will find much support here as well.
All the best to you! Make sure that you look after yourself during this difficult time!
Come back often! There are many here who can offer you support and friendship through these dark days!
Thinking of you...
Jenn