My second day...

[Alessio]

I just told my wife this morning that I am a PA.

I do not spend hours, I do not pay for it,...but truth is that I go every single night to the same free P site for at least an hour or an hour and a half.

The funny thing is that I have to think about my wife to complete the process, but I still HAVE to visit the site and view some videos.

My wife has been my first and only one partner, and I used to blame my need of P on the fact that we would just have relations once or twice a week. How could I give up my daily routine?

If a day I am off from work, I will visit the website 3 or 4 times during the day.

My wife caught me once.

My dad struggled with alcoholism, gamble and smoking. He quit all those bad habits at once. Is this addiction thing in my DNA? Can I defeat it?

How can it be that I live a honorable life, exercise, no drugs, alcohol, gambling or previous partners, but I still got to become addict to this garbage?

How can I stop this if I have internet access al around my house...my laptop..I go to bed much later than my wife?

This is my second day without watching P. Last night was bad. It is almost 20 years of this, first on TV and now on the computer.

I want to stop this. I will be around and will read your posts. I hope it helps.

[ScottM]

Alessio,
Welcome! I just joined the site a few days ago, and although I don't feel qualified to offer any wise advice, I can say that my porn addiction has been very destructive in my life, and joining this site has given me hope that I can change. Most importantly, I can tell you that you are not alone, and you are very courageous for telling us about your experience. There are people here who have a lot of experience with battling addiction, and I have found that they are very caring and willing to offer their wise advice for recovery. Keep posting your thoughts, and I will be pulling for you!

[Alessio]

My third day....no need whatsoever of P, and that scares me because I know it will hit me back in the next few days.

But I have not slept well the last two days and I was very irritable this afternoon after taking a nap to catch some sleep.

Thank you for acknowledging my message, and good luck in this fight.

[2frustrated]

My third day....no need whatsoever of P, and that scares me because I know it will hit me back in the next few days.

Good insight. Have a plan in place for when it happens. Did you install a filter yet?

[JohnnyLan]

Hey Alessio.

Just wanted to say hello. You will have as much support here as you need. Most helpful to me has been reading and writing in this journal section as well as the sobriety calling Phil is doing. He has a 100 day challenge going on.

Make sure you have no access to porn by having your wife change the settings in your router. Blocking all access helps as you regain sobriety.

Hang tough. Though the struggle is at first hard, there is a level of joy as you learn to walk everyday in freedom!

[ToddR]

My third day....no need whatsoever of P, and that scares me because I know it will hit me back in the next few days.

. . . first and foremost congratulate yourself for taking (2) major steps toward climbing out of this 20 year hole that you dug for yourself.

As you can see from the number of my posts I am still the new kid on the block yet I can relate as I have been a PA for about 15 years+.

Started with a massive magazine collection which morphed into internet use as it enabled instantaneous access to my favored fetishes.

Now that you can see that we share some common ground here --- I have a tiny bit of an insight for you.

I am a non-fiction reader mostly biographies and histories but now self-improvement as a part of my recovery from a life changing divorce and subsequent bankruptcy.

Tried many 'o books courtesy of suggestions from friends --- extracted bits and pieces from many but did not truly find one that I accepted as a whole until I came upon "The Power Of Now" --- without going into a sales pitch --- it simply introduces the concept of keeping in the present ("the now") opposed to allowing yourself to relive the guilt of the past and the fear of the future --- very helpful for my mind set.

Which brings me to your statement:

"no need whatsoever of P, and that scares me because I know it will hit me back in the next few days."

When you say "that scares me" that reminds me of a parallel within this concept. Within explaining "The Power Of Now", it identifies an aspect of every human being that is the"pain-body" which is the residue of the emotional pain that you experienced in your lifetime. With some people, said "pain-body" will occasionally rise into their emotions for short periods of time. Whereas, other people embrace their "pain-body" by seeking and feeding it with pain from the present. As a result --- their identity and personality become one with their "pain-body". At this point, removing what essentially is their identity --- this "pain body" --- is very difficult because future existence without it is an unknown --- and, we all avoid the "unknown".

By you saying that you are "scared" with your abstinence from pornography is because --- I am guessing here --- that pornography has become such a large part of your identity. No. This is not the identity others know you by but this is the identity that your mind has adopted as your internal identity. Therefore, your mind will naturally and negatively react as you are removing a large part of its identity by abstaining from pornography.

In my opinion, this action is the cause for most people to relapse as your mind will again naturally avoid what it perceives as the negative unknown --- life without your identification with pornography. As a result --- the easiest and most comfortable solution to avoiding this negative unknown is to return to the "positive" known which is your longtime association with pornography --- a PA relapse.

This is where you need have the courage to walk through the dark without pornography which had once provided the illumination of your life. Yep. You are going to be scared of the dark but eventually you will see a faint light --- that light that was and is your real identity --- as the clarity of your mind becomes clearer without pornography your original identity before pornography will return and your fear will naturally subside -

So many posters here state that they no longer recognize themselves --- who is this person that they have become? --- who is that person in the mirror?

As your identity of old becomes the identity of the present you will easily recognize the "old you" --- I know you!!!

[Teemo]

Alessio,

I want to welcome you to this forum. For me, it has taken lots of changes and lots of work, and I'm only six weeks along this road. But I'm not going back. Life without this addiction is worth everything to me.

Teemo

[Winston811]

Hi Allessio,

Welcome to TTF.

I believe this is something that can really be beaten, but its not easy and its going to take a lot of hard smart work from your side.

You have taken the first steps in this battle and for that I congratulate you. I really recommend having a good recovery plan in place. This should include things like:

1. Discovering the things that trigger you and having a plan to avoid those or a plan to deal with them when they arise.

2. Try and rid yourself of all the P that is around you - delete the videos, get internet blocking software ect.

3. Use this site as much as possible. Start a journal, read other people`s stories. I find reading what the SO`s have to say to be really inspiring as it reminds me of how destructive this thing can be to the one`e we hold dear.

The best of luck to you, I know if you apply yourself that you can beat this thing.

Winston