Hello! New to TTF, been in recovery for a while though...

[Yalpiri]

So finally I've got around to introduce me here at TTF! ( Have been reading a bit here and there.... shame on my procrastination [-X )

I'm 25 years old, and from the cold Northern part of Europe, more precisely Norway. My story is pretty much similar to so many others out there. Been a heavy p user since my early teens, started with some softer magazines. Then it all skyrocketed with the introduction of the internet, and I spiraled downwards and downwards, and further down, into ever harder and more extreme material. By the age of 17/18 the addict had taken pretty much all over me. There was a part of me that really wanted to get an end to the madness, but that unfortunately didn't happen. By the age of 21-22 I was pretty much as far down in that pit I could fall, and the surface light seemed faaar away from my reach. I felt hopeless, and desperate. I didn't know how I ever could get the madness to stop. Suicidal thoughts also emerged, although I never actually considered to make them happen. Somewhere deep within me, there was a part of me who appreciated, and enjoyed life. Desperately I did some searching for porn addiction and I discovered no-porn.com, and it's forum. That was back in 2007. I started my very first, tiny baby steps into recovery, and could get a glimpse of that light I so desperately looked for.

I started to read several books, including Ten Keys by Wes, the creator of NP, and IN the Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes. I stared to get hope that I could be free from this mess. I started up a journal over at NPS, and also started to work on the first Recovery lessons over at RecoveryNation.

I started to get euphoric that it was indeed possible to beat this dreadful cycle. But that requires commitment as I now so very well understand. Commitment to really invest time in with recovery. Commintment to involve in the comunithy of fellow recvering addicts. I admit that I never really felt that I was able to connect to the people. It was somewhat half-hearted I would start up a journal, then feel good about it. Felt that maybe I am getting somewhere this time. But suddenly I loose track, I loose interest of posting, of involving. Maybe I'm afraid of not being good enough, to afraid of doing mistakes. I don't know. But I do understand that if I continue to loose track of my posting, of doing my recovery lessons and work, It's so easy to get into this "I don't care about my recovery" kind of mentality. Or rather it's not that I don't care, it's more like I don't think at alll... like recovery seems to be such a daunting task that I don't really know where to start, and because if this I each time I try to get back into it, it's half-hearted. I then loose track again, and fall into destructive habits again.

So... almost four years into recovery... where am I standing? Well it's certainly a lot better than it was like five years ago, it's better than it was three and two years ago... I feel I'm in more control of my urges now, than I was back then. However last year was a year of falling into those stupid rationalization lies... like moderation could work... and "it's okay as long as it's material which doesn't involve degrading and hatred. As long as it doesn't involve men... etc" and all kinds of extremely stupid lies. The addict beast surely is a manipulative ba***rd, doing all what's is in it's power so it still can get that fix... I'm truly and indeed tired of all that crap now! I really want p, mb and lusting out of my life for good! I want to live life to it fullest. To enjoy the happy times when they occur, and accept the sad times as a natural part of life's up and down-cycle, without the need of some pain numbing drug, and the like... So here's for a better and brighter future! (sun)

Oh and btw... I also struggle with Dermatillomania! Don't know what that is? Well maybe a better description would be compulsive skin picking... so yeah.. that's also a demon within me I'm working to get control over.

That's my introduction! I look forward to hang around, and to work towards sobriety one day at a time! :)

[Phil413]

Hi, Yalpiri, it's nice to see you here!

Phil

[Yalpiri]

Hi Phil! Thanks! I see here are a some NPS'ers hanging out here at TTF as well!
See you around! :)

[ScottM]

As a newbie here, I am overwhelmed by the collective experience and insight of you guys who have been working on your recovery over time. Your mention of euphoria was very helpful to me, and I can see that I need to keep on my toes about that. Thank you, and I am glad you're here!

[Yalpiri]

Thanks for dropping by Scott! :)

Your mention of euphoria was very helpful to me, and I can see that I need to keep on my toes about that. Thank you, and I am glad you're here!

Yup, the euphoria eventually will fade away as time progress forwards. Even when the p is gone, and we get more and more distance to our addiction, we realise that there still will be pain and sadness in our lives. The urges and cravings will return eventually, and we also notice that we might loose our focus on our recovery, and our commitment.

It's in these times it's so important to have taken all our precautions and preparations seriously beforehand! Filters on our computers (with the admin passwords without of reach from us), accountability partners, a good worked plan, healthy hobbies and interests we can turn our focus on (where we can grow as a human, rather than wither and dry out).

After almost four years of recovery, I have been reading and reading, and then read some more. Would say I've gathered together a fair amount of knowledge around this issue.... And I also would say that I do know what I have to do in order to succeed. Well... here's the thing. We can have a mountain of knowledge about this, but that's really doesn't matter at all, if we not actually put that knowledge into any use.

I admit that these four years have been a bumpy journey. I've had times of shorter and longer successes (my full detox (no p or mb) have so far been around 40 days), but I've falling back into old behaviours time and time again. I realise that there's no purpose to know and to think about all the things I need do, when I'm in fact not doing them! :-L
This thing really needs to change, ASAP!

But I keep on moving on my journey, and there are lot's of new insight to learn from, when I read around on these forums (TTF, NPS and RN). Now it's time to take all the insight into good, reasonable use!

Some quotes from the East I find inspiring:

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
- Lao Tzu

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."
- Confucius

"从善如流 (Cong Shan Ru Liu)":
"Follow good advice as natrually as a river follows its course; readily accept good advice."
- Chinese Idiom

[Zachary]

Keep trying Yalpiri. It looks like you've been doing your research, you can beat forty days. I've read some of the same authors, I think. Would you permit me recommend a few that I've found helpful?

• Robert Jensen
• Gail Dines
• Victor Malerek

Remember you can do this. Don't give in to any excuses you tell yourself.

"it's okay as long as it's material which doesn't involve degrading and hatred.

It's ALL degrading. There's hatred in all of it. Remembering that helps me, as I used to use that same excuse.

Best of luck! This is a great community and everyone is always eager to help and listen!

[Yalpiri]

Hi Zachary thanks for the tips, and sorry for not being around for some time now. I've read some texts of Jensen and Dines, and they have both helped in increasing my loathing towards the p, which have helped me focusing staying away from it! Yes it's all degrading, no matter how promising and "non degrading" it might look like!

I will still continue to hang around and read here. But unfortunately, I have to say I will have do down prioritize my time spent here at TTF a bit for the time being, as I'm aslo planning to work on the lessons over at RN, and I'm journaling and involving at NPS. All this is time consuming and I also have other things I want to work with I'll see the need to spend less time here. No offense or anything, this is a really great place no doubt about it! I will still read around, and probably post when I find the time, so I won't be gone for good!

I hope you understand, and thanks everyone for your welcoming words and support! :)

[exteberria]

Welcome Yalpiri.
I am 22 turning 23 this year I can relate heavily to your story about growing up with easily accessible internet p. My first post is here. You might be able to relate to it.

A lot of people have faith in rejecting p on this forum Yalpiri, and I'm sure you'll be soon making strides like the rest of us :).

[rosie]

Sorry for my belated welcome!

But welcome and lovely to see you here! I hope you find support that you need :) Hope to see you around the boards and get to know you more!