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[transitionalgrace]

I have been perusing this site for several weeks now and decided today was the day to introduce myself. I am the wife of a pa who is in total denial. We have been married 34 years. The d-day was July 31st, 2010. He left the house the day that I learned of his addiction and has not returned. He is a college professor and teaches his students the evils of porn use. He's probably great at teaching the evils of porn because he lives it. However he thinks he can stop using porn at any time even though he admitted to me that he has been involved with porn for 30 years.

My two adult daughters knew about his porn before I did. He left some evidence on my daughter's computer. He was searching for women in our area to hook up with while he was babysitting my granddaughter. My daughter accidently found the porn sites and checked out when it was being viewed and of course she realized it was her father. She then told her younger sister.

My husband is living from hotel to hotel. We are now in chapter 13 and I want a divorce. We don't talk at all. We email. He blames me for everything including his porn activity. He is narcissitic, passive/aggressive and plays the victim role well. He will not tell his children where he lives. He won't even tell the courts. He made himself sound homeless in court in January.

I asked him to seek therapy and help. He doesn't believe that he needs it. He is angry that I haven't kept his secret. I refuse to enable him. His rage and anger is directed towards me. He thinks he is guiltless and that his betrayal acts towards me are nothing. he forgets them, but got mad when I told a mutual friend who he works with. He told me that I betrayed him!

I have been involved in therapy since I learned of his behavior. I also started a workshop to help my healing. I use the support system of another website and I got an attorney immediately because of all the lies that I learned about. It was the best thing that I did, because he doesn't try to pull any nonense. So far he has been civil and generous with his payments to me. But we will see how things go as time passes.

That is a short version of the journey that I have taken. I'm sure more will come out as I respond to others.

[JenMac]

Welcome Transitional Grace!
I am glad you are here though I am sorry for the trauma you have been through!
I too have been married over 30 years and this was a huge trauma in our lives. I was not sure we would survive this when I discovered this last March.
We have however come a long way over this trying time. We have been to h*ll and back but we are stronger, wiser and closer than we have perhaps ever been.
I know it doesn't work that way for everyone and I am sorry that that seems to be the case for you. I too was a person who would never accept P in my life, I was deadset against it.
I know you will find much support and friendship here at TTF. It has been a Godsend to me over these past 11 months. A real blessing in my life!
I encourage you to start a journal in the SO journal thread so you have a place to get those thoughts and feelings out.
Looking forward to hearing more from you TG!
All the best!
Jenn

[transitionalgrace]

Jenn,

Thank you for your kind words. I am happy for you and your h. It takes two special people to make it work and it takes the willingness of both parties. In my case, that just hasn't happened. He ran out and hid for two weeks twice. The first time was when I found out we were financially destroyed. The second time he left was the day I found the stash of pictures and websites.

His first action was to blame me. He told me that he was into porn for 30 years. He told me that he was unhappy with me for the past ten years and yet I thought that I was married to my best friend. Now I know that he isn't happy with himself therefore cannot be happy with anyone, especially since I won't be a part of his addiction.

Now he lives from one cheap hotel to the next. He has limited contact with his daughters. He won't talk about his porn obsession with anyone. He thinks that if he doesn't talk about it, we'll forget about it. Wrong decision. He is not talking to other staff because he doesn't know who knows about his addiction. He won't tell his kids where he is living. He talks about two subjects, running and his work. He does that so that he can't get caught up in anymore lies.

He refuses to go for help. He says that he finds nothing wrong with porn and yet he is avoiding everyone. I can't believe that he doesn't feel any shame or guilt.

He has been generous about the montly payments to me, but that's a check. he has no problem with that, he just can't talk about his fantasyland, he can't admit that he is wrong and he can't apologize. In 34 years of marriage he has apologized once to me and that was after I told him to come home after I learned our savings/retirement has been all used up. We now face bankruptcy. Guess he figures that if he pays the bills he is doing something right.

Twice I have asked him to come to counseling with me. He absolutely refuses to go. In fact his response to my question seems to appear threatening to him. It takes two parties to make a relationship work. One person cannot make it for two, so I started the proceedings.