New guy in Recoveryville.

[SeekingFreedom27]

Hi Everyone.

This is the story about a 27 year old P addict. When I was a kid I was the shortest boy in class, a nerd and full of temper. If you were one of these things, or all 3 together you basically invited the bullies.

Years went by until passing the age of 12. My best friend for over 15 years, used to show me magazines and VHS tapes his dad was hiding under a couch, in the basement living room. I guess what kind of material this is needless to go any further into details about.

When I was young, the internet had just barely started to show up and the magazine/vhs tape era was still very much present.

It wasn't a major habit back then, but when we got a new computer with internet in the basement which later turned to become my new bedroom things started to escalate. Back then it was cool to have computer parties at someone's home. Friend's used to show off movie clips. Back then it was something rebellious and cool to keep such material.

Yes went by and I was compulsively engaging in P and MB for over 12 years until realizing that I got a problem. Without much success talking to trusted mates, I was always told the classic "all men do it", "it's normal and healthy", "it can spice up your relationship"..

One night when I was really depressed, and a british documentary was shown on TV. One about PA, and something occurs in my mind. I am a PA, I can't stop regardless of how i want to. A series of failed recovery attempt, one relationship lost, several failed probation times at new jobs later I've now joined TTF.

So here I am about 15 years later trying to get my life straight. I have some recovery under my belt, I have a normal job, a amazing girlfriend who mean the world to me.

I have been more on and off type of addict the last few years. I was able to adjust my relapses to a "weekends only" sort of habit, but realized now that I have to quit. I'm soon 2 weeks sober, and I'm capable to communicate better with my girlfriend, colleagues and people who truly mean something.

I made a long time recovery in the past, and I'm prepared to do it again. This time i hope it will be permanent.

[JenMac]

Hi SeekingFreedom!
Welcome to TTF! You have come to a great place and I am glad you are here. You will find much support and wisdom here.
I am glad to see that you have come to understand you have a problem and are seeking to recover from it. That says a lot to me. And believe me, where there is a will, there is a way!
Not sure if your girlfriend is aware of your struggles but if so, you could share this site with her as there is much to be gained from her being here as well. My H, Mac and I have shared this site for over 10 months now and it has been a blessing for us during this time. I am not sure where we would be without it.
While it has been a difficult journey in a lot of ways, we are now stronger and closer than perhaps we have ever been.
There are many here who will give you guidance and tips that will help you along the way SF but I would encourage you to put a filter on your computer if you have not already done so. Also, I invite you to start a journal in the recovering journal section. Getting your thoughts and feelings out is a very powerful thing. Seems to have a healing power of it's own.
All the best SF!
Jenn

[SeekingFreedom27]

Hi SeekingFreedom!
Welcome to TTF! You have come to a great place and I am glad you are here. You will find much support and wisdom here.
I am glad to see that you have come to understand you have a problem and are seeking to recover from it. That says a lot to me. And believe me, where there is a will, there is a way!
Not sure if your girlfriend is aware of your struggles but if so, you could share this site with her as there is much to be gained from her being here as well. My H, Mac and I have shared this site for over 10 months now and it has been a blessing for us during this time. I am not sure where we would be without it.
While it has been a difficult journey in a lot of ways, we are now stronger and closer than perhaps we have ever been.
There are many here who will give you guidance and tips that will help you along the way SF but I would encourage you to put a filter on your computer if you have not already done so. Also, I invite you to start a journal in the recovering journal section. Getting your thoughts and feelings out is a very powerful thing. Seems to have a healing power of it's own.
All the best SF!
Jenn

Thank you for the supportive and kind words.

She is aware of the problem and she is being very supportive about this. I happy to have found her, and I'm avoiding all mistakes that i could possibly have done when my relationship with another woman ended 3 years ago.

[AJP2008]

Good luck to you SeekingFreedom27, I'm in much the same boat. I've had P in my life for several years, my earliest recollection was with the internet P around 1997, when I was at a company I was in at university placement and I got onto it for the first time, until then it was just magazines. Bingo, it was such a high and the euphoria was great. I started around 5.30 and finished when everyone else has gone home around 2.30 in the morning. I was hooked from that point onward. So on and off since 1997, the most interactive was in 2004 when I was on several hours per night every night. I've had major struggles since and I decided to do this for me and my wife last Sunday. Keep clean and challenge each new day, one day at a time.

Also realise your danger times. I have a danger time on one weeknight when my wife goes out, I've stayed later at work and gone to the Gym to try not to be at home...

[IN NEED OF HELP]

SeekingFreedom27

Welcome to TTF my friend
Glad you are here for support. that is all we can do here, give you encouragement and support. the thing is, if we are to beat this, It must be in our hearts to do so. no WILLPOWER, alone, will even work for this recovery. there are just way to many things in life that can cause us to give in to it this addiction.

You are in for a big fight against this beast. there is no sugar coating anything in this recovery. I f you really want to rid yourself from this, then you need to come out fighting, and fight this beast face to face. he is powerful, and he dosent back down.

Ask yourself just how bad you want this gone in your life. If you do want it gone, then right now, see what you need to change in your life, to make this happen. we are all on a very long bumpy road with this addiction, but as each day goes by, that we are clean, it get a little smoother for us

You are not here alone my friend. We will help you when even we can.
I encourage you to please start you own journals, and come here often, and write your thoughts down in it, and your struggles. Doing this, allows us to keep up with your recovery, and will let us know if you need help in certain areas

I will be checking in to see how you are doing. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery

I DO WANT TO SEE YOU SEEK THIS FREEDOM THAT YOU ARE AFTER

[SeekingFreedom27]

thanks everyone for the support.