Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce

[aaronleong]

Here's a not-very-short backstory (Part I)

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, prior to that we had a long-distance relationship for 1.5 years, then dated for about a year.

We have an awesome 2 year old son.

My wife and I met while I was still in my home country of Malaysia. I was a successful engineer there and things were good. She was a freshman in college visiting from the US. We clicked, and thus began a great but difficult long-distance relationship due our distance. Eventually she convinced me that I should come to the US, so I started making plans. She wanted to stay put because she has always wanted to be a medical missionary, so I said that I would plan around her needs (i.e. MCATs, moving close to the medical school she get accepted into, Board exams, moving again to where she needs to attend residency, then later to where her mission work takes her).

Now when I moved here, I underwent some serious culture shock and in the process I receded into my shell, and my addiction to porn to deal with the stress began. I had look at it a couple of occasions as a teen, but it really took hold when I arrived here. Needless to say, it began a string of heartbreaks for my wife-to-be. We went for counseling to deal with it, as well as some of her own major childhood problems. Each time I would be ok for a couple or so months, then regress into my addiction and consequent lies for another month, until she found me out again. This process went on for the duration of our marriage. I loved my wife a lot and hated what I was doing to her and myself, but my selfishness always got in the way of complete healing.

So my wife's life with me has been filled with deception, uncertainty, depression, and for those who've been through it -- the added stress of medical school while trying to raise a family. I still maintained my promise to help her fulfill her dreams of being a doctor to the effect that I was more often the one taking care of our son, the home, the meals, the finances, the chores, etc., but her growing distrust and resentment of me caused a lot of friction, and thus lots of fights, tears, nights on the couch.

Finally in June last year, over a frustration-laden and very rude comment I made about her studying habits, she had enough and announced a separation. She went through the whole "You turned my switch off", "I don't love you anymore", "I have no more energy to put into this marriage", "I don't respect you anymore" dialogue, and had her thoughts validated by her friends and family. Granted, she said she wanted some space, and wanted to wait till she had free time away from medical school to meditate/pray on her decision. So myself, our close friends at church, and my family backed off. She eventually had some time for herself, after which she said God told her He was fine with her decision. This I don't understand.

Meanwhile when my wife initially announced the separation, it became a wake up call. I started making all the changes she's been wanting from me for so long - to stop my addiction, makes friends, stop lying, be humble, be less stubborn, etc. I started taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Initially I was also doing all the mistakes like pleading, contacting her friends and family, crying...all the big no-nos.

I found this book called Divorce Busting (by Michelle Weiner-Davis) in November and found it really refreshing and realistic; it even made me sad because she highlighted a lot of problems my wife and I had that we could sidestepped so easily. I wish I had her book in addition to my initial counseling earlier in our marriage. In December I picked up a copy of the follow up to Divorce Busting, called Divorce Remedy. I've been trying hard to keep up with the techniques (I can tell you more about it if you'd like me to), and remaining hopeful and optimistic. The hardest has been my wife's extreme snide comments about me and the way I do things, and especially the way I raise our son. We still live in the same house (I live in the guest room), so that kind of contact is frequent. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if she truly has moved on and is treating me like a roommate she tolerates. Yet I remain positive and try to save our marriage.

It hasn't helped either that I had lost my job the month after she announced the separation (unrelated, however), and it's something she brings up a lot. I'm sure her lack of respect for me is that I don't have any income right now. So my other battle is trying to find a proper income job.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I welcome your prayers, thoughts and comments. I've been a fool for so long, and now that my wife is announcing divorce, I've fallen deeply in love with her again. I know we can make it work wonderfully again, if her heart softens enough. At this point, my only trust is in God.

[likeafish34]

I don't really know what to say about your wife and her desire to get a divorce, but I can understand her distress and frustration if you have said that you will give up porn and then she finds you using it again.

Having said that, I am a recovering addict so I do understand how hard it is to give up. I also suffer from anxiety and I have often found my self turning to porn as a way of dealing with that.

The only advice that I would give is:
(1) Look at the underlying reason for doing porn and try to deal with it (In my case that means working on my anxiety and depression)
(2) Do this for yourself. Regardless of how your marriage is, YOU need to kick this habit for your own benefit.

I'm not sure how long you've been looking at this site, but the other piece of advice I'd give is take a look around at all of the stories and advice. There a lot of good stuff out there.

Keep strong

Simon

[aaronleong]

I don't really know what to say about your wife and her desire to get a divorce, but I can understand her distress and frustration if you have said that you will give up porn and then she finds you using it again.

Having said that, I am a recovering addict so I do understand how hard it is to give up. I also suffer from anxiety and I have often found my self turning to porn as a way of dealing with that.

The only advice that I would give is:
(1) Look at the underlying reason for doing porn and try to deal with it (In my case that means working on my anxiety and depression)
(2) Do this for yourself. Regardless of how your marriage is, YOU need to kick this habit for your own benefit.

I'm not sure how long you've been looking at this site, but the other piece of advice I'd give is take a look around at all of the stories and advice. There a lot of good stuff out there.

Keep strong

Simon

Thanks for your advice, Simon! I'm new here actually, but am active on another porn recovery forum. Whichever forum I've visited, I am drawn to the stories by spouses of porn addicts. Reading their accounts of basically living a traumatized life makes me cry each time, as well as helps me understand what my wife went through. It helps with my state of awareness and healing too.

I have been in the process of recognizing my triggers and reasons, i.e. stress, frustration with life, worry-mongerism, among other things. I'd have to say also, that for the year and half prior to our separation in June 2010, I had been:

A. Decreasing my reliance on porn. I was still lying about it and doing it, but I found it less and less of a necessity and less attractive. The battle was being fought, but obviously not yet won. Not even close.
B. Doing porn as a retaliation and rebellion against all the rules and complaints that my wife had and was making. We had such an enmeshed mother-son-like relationship, the more she restricted, the more I wanted to break the rules. In fact, when my wife decided to separated and remove things like Internet filters and stop her snooping (at least for the first few months), it felt like a whole burden off my shoulders for some reason; the stress, worry and frustration were suddenly not there anymore. It took a while to sink in that the filters were actually gone. Ever since then, temptations and urges have not led me to turn on the computer to look at porn.

The other thing that woke me up was my wife telling me that IT'S OVER. Done. I don't love you anymore. I'm taking my son away from you, etc. I wish it didn't take this for me to get porn under control, so any of you who still have your spouses by your side, please, please stop playing with fire. Give your spouses the respect and love they deserve.

I have done full 180s with my life. I'm working to be the man that my wife fell in love with before all this nonsense happened. Ultimately, I'm doing this for myself, but if my wife does decide at a point in her life to notice me again, I will be that man she was drawn to in the first place. It's crazy to think that my urges and temptations automatically make me attracted/horny for my wife nowadays, but it happens. If only she was still here to enjoy that with me. Of course, she is so hurt and traumatized by me that she strongly believes that I will always be addicted. I believe there is hope when I allow God to work in me and her life, and placing complete trust in His plans. However, it IS a very uphill battle. It's the toughest situation I've ever been in, but I'll go the ends of the earth to win my wife back.

[aaronleong]

BTW, my wife will be moving out of our house tomorrow, along with our 2.5-yo son.

[Timertin]

You said “At this point, my only trust is in God.” Would you believe, my Higher Power, I know as God too, gave me everything in my life back, but more beautiful? I am new in this P addiction, I joined 3 days ago, but I keep reading about the “12 step program”, a 12 step program is how I was freed from an habit of everyday using and drinking and P, it all faded and I was given a brand new life by staying honest with one man called my sponsor, I called every night, cried to him every other day, he listed, he responded, he made suggestions as what to do and I did it, I still do it. YOU STORY IS BEAUTIFULLY PAINFUL, I too lost everything, but one day at a time, not looking at what I lost, but what inside of me had to go and what needed to grow, it all reappeared. I speak for Recovery, 4 places this month, one spiritual retreat, a university, a rehab and a club house, your addiction P is arrest able. Whenever I speak, I a new comer says, WOW if he can recover from all that sh*t, I should have no problem. Maybe you already know all this, I just wanted to try to help, it is how I became and stay stable in my other recovery, it is just so painful to hear your story, it was me, me all over again, . . . open all your curtains, bring down the walls, let someone physically, we can always log out, my sponsor knows where I live and he loves me, just as I was and know who I am becoming. My heart and prayers go out to you.

[aaronleong]

Thank you, kind sir, for your words. I have a lot of guilt stemming from participating in this addiction for so many years, while traumatizing and hurting my wife, that I'm still working through. I have a lot of good days when I feel great about myself, but others not so much. I haven't looked at porn since the separation began. No doubt, there still are temptations that I have learned to convert to constructive and good actions. Nevertheless, I am always accountable to my church elders and new found church friends for support.

[Timertin]

I am accountable in the substance addiction, not the P yet myself, so I need to be doing what you are. I found 2 meetings in town, I will find a sponsor there. I wanted to tell you , I did not get the same woman, job, even town back, God gave me a brand new life, I do have my son back in my life but my daughter is only seen in pictures. I had to believe, do all I could and still do in AA, but now I need PA too, for it was sleeping, sleepy little beast woke up and beat my ass, only emotional, but if I don't get help it will get worse. I don't know how to chat, live, or how do much, probably out of bounds somewhere on this site, but feel free talk at me, I need people to talk at me and let me talk back, it has kept me clean for 3 days now. Thanks

[IN NEED OF HELP]

. I have a lot of guilt stemming from participating in this addiction for so many years, while traumatizing and hurting my wife, that I'm still working through. I have a lot of good days when I feel great about myself, but others not so much. I haven't looked at porn since the separation began. No doubt, there still are temptations that I have learned to convert to constructive and good actions. Nevertheless, I am always accountable to my church elders and new found church friends for support.

BTW, my wife will be moving out of our house tomorrow, along with our 2.5-yo son.

My friend,
I am sorry that you are having all this quilt that you have, But at time, I feel that it is good that we have this guilt. I say this because. in seems that we were in this addiction, and acting out with it, Yes we had guild in doing it, but not really enough of it. The guilt that I say is good, is when we see the damage, and the pain that we as addict caused because of our actions. Before we had guilt because we knew that our SO's wouldn't like what we are doing, But now the guilt that we have is because of all that we caused to them. We now see just how bad this addiction truly is. That ending results from this addiction, hurt not only us, but hurts all who we care about and Love.

Thou at times it may seem to late, we know that with this Shame, Guilt, we need to do something to stop doing this. We know it is time to change the most important person on this earth, and that is US.
So all we can do is try to fix us, make us a better person, and at the same time, we need to work through all this Guilt that we have bottled up inside us

And this is not easy to do my friend. As we are working so hard to make the changes that are needed from us, to get control over this addiction, we are always reminded of the Pain that we caused to our SO's. And to me, that is the hardest part of my recovery. I am working so hard right now, to fix me, to make me feel good about myself, to make me a better person, and at the same time, I am seeing all the hurt, the pain, that I caused to be so deep in her heart, and I cant fix her, I cant make her feel better about herself. It kills me to know just how much I have destroyed the one woman, that I am truly am and will alway be in LOVE with.

But I still need to keep my recovery going, not because I want HER to see me change, but because, I want to see ME change. It is way to late I feel that, when I am a better person, and I have fixed me, and I am that man, that my SO would love to be with, she will no longer be in my life. She has already told me just the other day, that if we are to end up staying together, she could NEVER be IN LOVE, with me again. That hurts, and all because I thought I needed all those images on my computer.

I am so truly sorry that your wife and son, are leaving. I want you to please continue in your recovery, and fix you still, even when they are gone. And all we can do is PRAY, that in time, she does see that you have changed, and you are that new man, and you have overcame this addiction. And when she does see the new you, Lets hope that she come back in to you life, and back in to her heart.

Good luck to you in your recovery. If I dont see soon, I will see you when TTF comes back after a few days of repairs

[aaronleong]

Thank you INOH. You are right about needing to concentrate on changing oneself first. I can't change how my wife feels and acts right now, so I have to work on myself and trust deeply, deeply in God that He may see fit to bind our hearts together again. It's about patience and perseverance, which are two things I've never been good at, but have made as my 180s. If my wife doesn't see the new me (or original me), then I say, it is her loss, because the grass is not always greener on the other side -- I AM the greener grass! In the meantime, I do it for myself and for our son.

[Timertin]

That is what I know! You sound healthy, brand new in a new moment, it is a new day. Thanks for posting