SO of PA.. Hello!!

[seaturtlegirl64]

Hi to everyone

Just introducing myself... i'm a SO of a PA. Been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Took me a while to figure out what he was up to, and totally oblivious until I accidently found his internet history. There was lack of sex, and lots of dry periods and thought he was just depressed.

Then I was clued in.... and explained his:
1. Lack of initiation of sex - I ALWAYS had to initiate
2. Lack of any kind of emotional and physical attention
3. Difficulty obtaining erection
4. EXCESSIVE computer use
5. Erasing internet history
6. Gawking at other women
7. Always closing his eyes during sex, no eye contact or any talk or foreplay etc
8. acting like sex is a chore
9. getting very angry and defensive when brought up subject
10. Lying about his porn use
11. Lack of anykind of complements.... (i'm very pretty, attractive)
12. No self disclosure, very guarded about any feelings or emotions.

All of this has made me very, very frustrated, irritated, angry etc. and it impossible to talk to him because he gets so angry, so I continue not to say anything.

I'm just not happy with it and need to do something about it but i'm scared . I keep thinking things will change and they never ever do.

BTW he is a recovering alcoholic. so he has the addictive personality, as do I.

Anyways, thanks for reading... I need to take some kind of action and talk to him,,, but easier said than done.

[likeafish34]

Welcome STG. I'm a recovered PA. I always feel a bit guilty posting on SO's posts, so I hope you don't mind.

There's a lot of good stuff on this site and members are very supportive. I've found that its made a huge difference in my recovery.

Good luck

Simon

[Amethyst]

hi STG -

your list sounds A LOT like one my wife has mentioned to me - she knows i struggle with P, and when i look at P she takes it personally - one of the main reasons i am trying to abstain from P is to honor my wife and respect our marriage/relationship - confessing to her that i was a PA was one of the hardest things in the world i have ever done - i have recently found this site and have found it very empowering - part of the key i think is to have a group to be accountable to, instead of just being accountable to my wife - i can air my thoughts here with guys going through the same thing - i think we all come into our PA from all kinds of different angles and life situations, but there are themes that are common and certainly the desire to be better people is the core desire - but we need help to do that, to be better people -

[PeterB]

Welcome, seaturtlegirl64. I liked your list because, although my wife doesn't know of my PA, reading through it I just saw myself in the mirror and what I'm putting her through. It makes me wonder what would make someone want to be with a PA at all and how much hurt their SOs go through on so many levels. More fuel for my fight! Thanks, and good luck!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

[QUOTE=seaturtlegirl64;55916]Hi to everyone
Then I was clued in.... and explained his:

1. Lack of initiation of sex - I ALWAYS had to initiate
2. Lack of any kind of emotional and physical attention
3. Difficulty obtaining erection
4. EXCESSIVE computer use
5. Erasing internet history
6. Gawking at other women
7. Always closing his eyes during sex, no eye contact or any talk or foreplay etc
8. acting like sex is a chore
9. getting very angry and defensive when brought up subject
10. Lying about his porn use
11. Lack of anykind of complements.... (i'm very pretty, attractive)
12. No self disclosure, very guarded about any feelings or emotions./QUOTE]

I just want to welcome you here to TFT. You will get the much needed support that you need from many of the SO"s here. They will help you the best that they can

Thank you very much for the list. You putting this here, sure hit home to us PA's here. just one out of the 12 is N/A to me. But the other 11 hit me deep in my heart

Thank you again for sharing this

[2frustrated]

Some of the items on the list are merely enhanced by p use. That is, those manifestations of his personality would probably exist whether he used p or not; p just makes it worse. It is most likely the case that part of the reason he has gravitated toward p is that he does not want to deal with some of the underlying emotional/psychological issues you have mentioned. So while you're helping him through recovery, know that those items on your list will not magically go away. They need to be worked on by working on his fundamental sense of self.