About Face....I'm no longer going to walk down this path

[CJnOhio]

Here I am, trying to guide myself down a path of sobriety. The path I've been down has been horrible. On marriage having ended 6 years ago, and another marriage on the very thin edge of destruction. My current wife of four years left me three weeks ago. I've spent everyday since then between tears, numbness, grief, and an overwhelming feeling of being guilty, shameful, and a coward. This is not the life I want. In my heart I know I am a better man than this. But the fact is, I'm a two time loser, who has destroyed both my marriages because of my stupid addiction to porn.

This is it for me. I am done with this. I've been down the right path for 19 days now. I'm not going to give up. I have a plan. I will be a new man.

Please pray for me as I pray for myself. I need all the help I can get.

[bluegoldfinch]

I'm very sorry about the marriages, and your being here, but 19 days is good and I will pray for you. It's great that you're determined. Welcome to TTF!

Finch

[IN NEED OF HELP]

CJnOhio

Welcome to TTF. Though it is sad to be here, I am glad that you are. It is always so encouraging to see that you now what to get rid of the Beast that has been controlling you for all this time. Just by you coming here to TTF, you have made the first step of many to get this addiction out of your life for good. Though we can not cure you, we can give you the much needed Support and Encouragement that we can.

In order to even start freeing ourself from this, We need to make many changes in our lives. The way we think, The things we view on computers, TV's and such. Anything that has allowed us to sit and look at Porn, all theses things now need to be a thing of the past. The way that we view woman as they walk down the streets, need to be changed.
Porn has never proven to be good. The one thing that this monster loves to do, is that it loves to destroy things. As you already know, It will destroy a relationship so damn fast. And I do know what I am saying, Because mine was destroyed because of my addiction.

So now is the time to have a Plan, A good defense against this monster. He will not just sit quietly in the background allowing you to get rid of him. But what he will be doing, is just sitting there, waiting, for the perfect time, to put on a full attack against you. And it has been proven that he does this, just when we feel that we have him beat, or when we get just a little to comfortable in our recovery.

Now my friend, is the time, to get out your fighting gear, and put it on. Make sure you have a strong breastplate to wear, because if we are to defeat him, We need to really protect our HEARTS. You are getting ready to fight a fight that you never had to deal with before. It is a hard fight, But the good news? You can come out a winner in this battle.

I Encourage you to start reading other peoples journals here. By doing this, you will see what there struggles are, and what they done in their lives to overcome them.
Also read over the journals of the SO"s here. This way you will get a better understanding , just what your Wife is going through

In time, you may want to start your own journal going here. I f you are to do this, and you come and write in it as much as you can, this will let us know just what you are going thru, and we will be able to help you better.

I for one will be looking for your journal, and I would be more than happy to read it daily.

You are not here alone my friend, there are many here that will be willing to get you through this.
Good luck to you

[CJnOhio]

Thanks for the replies, words of encouragement, and thoughts. It helps a lot. Today was a rough day. I thought it was going good...maybe it was going to be the first day in almost three weeks where I didn't cry. I broke down after dropping off my son to guitar lessons. I don't know why really....just the though of being such a disappointment to my wife and God. It's overwhelming sometimes.

I don't know what is going on with my wife. She won't return any of my emails or txts. I told her last Thursday, after our counseling session, that I'd wait for her to call. I sent a txt on V-Day, just wishing her a peaceful day...not expecting a reply at all. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her on that day.

Yesterday I sent an email, letting her know I had some mail for her and my stepson that I could get to her. Also invited her to go to church with me on Sunday. No reply, no acknowledgment, no nothing.

Today I sent a txt, asking if she got my email. Told her I didnt know if she was ignoring me or what. Let her know I missed her, am sorry for how our relationship is now...told her I wish I could take everything back....again nothing back.

I don't know what to do....I'm getting so discouraged.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

First, I just want to say that I do feel your pain, because I am going through the same thing. I know how hard, and painful that it is when you know that you may lose someone that you love so dearly. But remember, we caused all this drama.

Ok I am going to try to respond to your post. If you, at any time feel that I sound harsh, I am sorry. But I do need to say some things. And in no way do I want to sound disrespectful to you. But you will see as I write in your journal, I will say what I need to say

You said:
Maybe it was going to be the first day in almost three weeks where I didn't cry. I broke down after dropping off my son to guitar lessons. I don't know why really....just the though of being such a disappointment to my wife and God. It's overwhelming sometimes.

This just shows, that you do understand, that what you done was wrong. You feel as if you disappointed and let everyone that means the most to you, down. Yes it is so overwhelming. But there is no way we can ever take back what we done to our families. But you are already trying to make up for being a disappointment to your family, and that is by you being here to get the much needed help that you know you need.


You said:
I don't know what is going on with my wife. She won't return any of my emails or txts. I told her last Thursday, after our counseling session that I'd wait for her to call. I sent a txt on V-Day, just wishing her a peaceful day...not expecting a reply at all. I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her on that day.
Today I sent a txt, asking if she got my email. Told her I didn’t know if she was ignoring me or what. Let her know I missed her, am sorry for how our relationship is now...told her I wish I could take everything back....again nothing back.

Have you really sat down and just thought, and tried to realize just how bad you hurt your wife? Do you really understand just how much she is hurting inside? Do you know that when we do the things like we did, that they no longer even feel that they are worth anything anymore? Did you know that you took away your wives self worth, and now she feels that she is ugly?
My friend, you fu*ked up, We fu*ked up. We destroyed our women. We just ripped their hearts right out of there chest. And that wasn’t good enough. Then as there hearts hit the floor, we stomped on it. Try to out yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you found out that she was seeing a different man every day, and oh, she didn’t sleep with them, she just MB’ed to them ? Would you be hurt also?

You need to give her some time. She hasn’t responded to you, because right now, she is hurting from what you done to her. She wants nothing to do with you at this time. She needs to try to heal a little, before she is able to talk to you about this problem. My friend, I know you love her, and I know you miss her, and I know that you are sorry for what you done. But please, just give her the space that she needs.

Just one more thing that I want to share with you about what you wrote in your post. I f you would have reread this, then you would have already had the answer to why she is not responding to you right now.

You said:
I told her last Thursday, after our counseling session that I'd wait for her to call.

Well my friend you are still waiting. She is not ready

Last thing, you said
I don't know what to do....I'm getting so discouraged.

You know what you should do? Get up on your feet, Put on that fighting gear, fight this monster, try to get rid of him, make the changes that you need to make to fix you. Try to become the man that would win the respect back from your wife. Show her that you can change. Become the man that she would love to be with again

[CJnOhio]

Thanks....I know what you say is true. It is just so hard to be completely out of contact with the woman I love.

I know I'm on the right path. Yesterday was rough, last night worse. I know I'm being set up for a big challenge this weekend....I can feel it coming on. I think I'll write more about this in my journal.

[1moretry54]

hey im new here as well and i know you are better then this we all are and when those challenges come up just know i'm here praying for you and if you ever need someone to talk to i'm here

God bless man