Let me Introduce myself:

[tubedrt]

Hello to all. I just joined this site/forum after reading quite a few articles along with forumites posts. I guess I can say i am a PA. I am a 28 yr old male, and I've been viewing pornography on and off for the last ten years. I also was just married to my long time GF on Oct. 1st 2010.
I would like to say my life is great at this moment, but that could not be further from the truth. My Wife is leaving me six months after our wedding. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy two weeks before out wedding. After medication and many visits to the Hospital/Dr. office I was giving the go-ahead to return to my job. When I returned I was then laid off. Now you can see the downward slide of recent.
I will get right to the point. Porn has ruined my relationship, and at least my near future. My SO has known about my addiction, and its been very hard on her looking back on things. I've lied about it, deleted browser history etc. over the years. She moved out once about four years ago. I stopped and she moved back in. We bought a home together two years ago, and I popped the question. She said yes, but I also promised to change. I stopped for some time but in the back of my head I still wanted to.
Now for me, viewing porn wasnt about MB. I just liked the visuals. I knew some friends that also looked at porn, so I never thought I was "wrong", or different. In the beginning of the relationship with my Wife, I thought she was wrong for telling me she didnt want me viewing porn. Later, when it became critical that I stop, I just couldnt. Thats my "AH-HA" moment, when I knew It wasnt as simple and harmless as I thought. She stopped my use of the computer be putting passwords etc. How did I react? I went and bought a laptop and hid it from her. She found it a few weeks later.
My life is in shambles, and when I am stressed, its a harder fight with the addiction. Recently I've abandoned true porn, and find myself viewing clothed videos/photos, thinking that it was as "wrong". Yes I know, it WAS another ah-ha moment. Even without the nudity, the principal is the same. My wife is moving out, divorce following shortly after. Once again, two little too late.
My regrets are that I hurt my Wife soo terribly. She's been there for me for almost ten years. She can't stand to look at me. She is also humiliated. Months after our wedding, we are splitting up. I really dug a hole this time. I dont feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry I ruined ten years of her life.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

tubedrt
I would like to welcome you to TTF. I am very pleased that you are here. Not pleased that you have a problem, but just pleased that you are wanting help with this issue you have. This will prove to be the best thing that you have done, to get a good start on your recovery. First, I would encourage you to come here as much as you can. You will see that so many here are going through the same problems that you are going through. Read the stories here from others, and see how they are coping with this every struggle to rid themselves from Porn.

I do want to say that, this addiction, is one that is very hard to overcome. Not trying to scare you in anyway, but just being upfront with you. But I will say this, That if you do want to great rid of this addiction, and you no longer want it to be a part of your life, And you are determined in your Heart and Mind to do this, You can get this problem out of your life for good. Please know that no one here can cure you in any way. But, what we can do for you is this, We can be here for you, and offer you as much Encouragement, and Support that we possibly can. You are not here alone. We are here to help you. And we know you want help, because you have already showed us this, just by you making one of the HARDEST steps, that is you coming here, and sharing your struggles, and asking for help. By you doing this, you are already on the step to Recovery.

To rid yourself from this addiction, we need to make so many changes in our life. We need to change whatever it is that triggers us to want to act out in anyway that is wrong. Unlike other addiction, this one that we have, is around us all the time. there are always triggers in front of us, that can just make us to start acting out again. Those triggers can be in a TV show, a Billboard sign along the side of a road, a Magazine, or just a Beautiful woman walking down the street. So in order to get the best out of our recovery, WE need to learn what are weaknesses are, find out what it is in our life, that is causing us to allow this addiction, to have full continue over us. So I encourage you to as of right now, put on boxing gloves, your head gear, or whatever other protection you may need, and start fighting this monster we have allowed in our life. Never stop this battle,this is a battle that yes, WE CAN WIN.

You said something that is so true of many here at TTF.
You said:
My regrets are that I hurt my Wife soo terribly. She's been there for me for almost ten years. She can't stand to look at me. She is also humiliated. Months after our wedding, we are splitting up. I really dug a hole this time. I dont feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry I ruined ten years of her life.

We feel you my friend. The pain I caused to my SO, after 11 beautiful years together. She is hurting so much more than I can EVER understand. I am only about 75 days clean of this addiction, and I have a very long road to travel on still. My relationship here at home with my SO, is bad, I mean it is bad now. I still can not say if we even have a future anymore. These beautiful woman never deserved to be as hurt as we hurt them.
I always look at this way. As men, we would always do what we can, to protect our women from harm, We would jump in front of a bullet so it can hit us, and they will be ok. So why is it my friend, That this woman that we would protect from any harm, We are the ones that killed them???

I wish you the best in your recovery. I will be looking for more from you to read. I would also at this time, Encourage you to start your own journal, write in it your everyday struggles. And as we read it, we can offer you any help that we can

[Dominus]

Hey Tubedrt, I have to feel for you, seems like you dug a pretty big hole for yourself there, such is the power of this addiction to ruin our lives. You truly need to make a pact with yourself never ever to look at porn again and implement every possible way to make it happen.

Ive mentioned before that I viewed a DVD called Fireproof, its about a couple in a similar situation to yourself, wife wants a divorce, husband hooked on porn. The husband on the advice of his father embarks on something called the love dare which is a course of demonstrating a series of unconditional acts of loving kindness to his wife for I think 40 days. The film of course is fictional, but I found it realistic and quite a touching film. The 'love dare' is actually a course that you can follow in real life, I havent tried it myself, but if I were in your situation I would consider that there wasnt much to lose.

Keep coming here my friend, even if you can't save your marriage, you still need to defeat this thing before it consumes you, it is possible with help, and we are here to help you.

Cheers

Dom

[tubedrt]

Dominus,
I know about both the book "Love Dare", and of the movie "FireProof" with Kirk Cameron. My SO took me (Dragged me) to see that film when it was in theatres. We went with a couple that are friends of my Wife, and the husband apparently had the same troubles as myself. My wife also gave me the book that same night. We never did use the book as Mr. Cameron did in the film. I wish we had given it a try. It really is a good thing, and I could honestly see it helping many relationships struggling, not just PA etc.
I thank both of you for your words and look forward to talking to many more about day to day struggles, and just having others who understand and relate to the situation that is going on.

[tubedrt]

I just thought I'd tell everyone I've also met with a local PA center to begin weekly one on one meetings. I'll update weekly about progress and what we discuss. Thanks!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I just thought I'd tell everyone I've also met with a local PA center to begin weekly one on one meetings. I'll update weekly about progress and what we discuss. Thanks!

Good for you my friend. I go to SAA meeting, and they proved to be just what I needed. Keep us informed on your progress