I hate what I do, but can't stop

[likeafish34]

Where do I start?
I've been doing internet porn for about 10 years.
I'm married with kids. Got a pretty good job. All appears well to the outside world, but actually I suffer very badly from stress (generalised anxiety), and porn is the thing that takes my mind off the worry.
I hate myself for doing it. I know my family would be devastated if they knew what a perverted, worthless piece of **** I am.
As well as being a kind of symptom of my stress and depression, porn is also partly a cause. I don't get enough sleep and it makes me feel very bad about myself.
I've tried to give it up so many times, but each time my will power is too weak and I come back to it.
Over time I've taken more risks and gone for harder stuff. Nothing illegal, but pretty nasty.
It feels like the only way that I will be able to give up is if I'm caught by my wife. Maybe she would help me, or maybe she would want a divorce. Anyway I can't take the risk and besides, I don't want to give her the problem. It's mine to sort out.
A bit of a ramble, but that's me.
I don't feel very positive about giving up, but I need to try. I've been a member for a few days and so far I've not managed to go for a single day without accessing porn. Good start!!!
Anyway, maybe the members of this forum can help me. I hope so.
Simon

[Daniel]

likeafish,

You are not alone in feeling helpless with this ball and chain around your neck. Many (many!) p-addicts have joined up and I'll be the first to tell you that victory is possible.

It may well be the hardest thing you've ever done.

But what is your freedom worth? What would you give for it?

I do not want to overwhelm you with information, particularly with a lot of what I would say is here and there and all over the site.

First thing Read Read Read here. Knowledge is Power -Learn up!

I would say the next time you feel an urge coming on, you will first log on here and do some reading. Also be sure to check out the Significant Others' journals as they can really make an impact on how you think about P.

You could really use some short-term safety solutions like an internet filter (K9 is mentioned a lot).

Basic idea is you need to somehow make failure as hard as possible.

If you could find someone non-virtual that you could open up to. This load of bricks would come off and you would have an immediate boost in your journey to freedom.

A quote I've used a lot: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."

You must CHANGE your environment, habits, Thinking, get disciplined, and start taking the journey very seriously to expect any significant changes.

Start a journal!

And we're rooting for you, IT CAN BE DONE, I'm proof! Many others here are too.

Best Regards,

Daniel

[Phil413]

Hi, Simon. Welcome!

I agree with everything Daniel said, and I just want to emphasize that one of the most important things you can do in the early days of your recovery is put P out of reach as much as you possibly can.

That means, put a filter on your computer (e.g., K9). Set the password to a random string of numbers and letters, something you can't remember. Write it down and then leave that paper at the office, or bury it in the back yard, or something.

Basically, you want to figure out a way to block every access point you have for viewing P. You'll be surprised how much it helps reduce the strength of the temptations if you know you can't access P anyway.

Good luck to you!

Phil

[escapeartist77]

Hi Simon,

Well, I've also been addicted to P for about the last 10 years, but I don't have a family to worry about. However, I know that it is not good for me, yet I do it anyway due to stress, boredom, negative self-talk, or because it's Monday. But the main root of it, for me anyway, is negative self-talk, which your post was loaded with, such as: "I hate myself for doing it. I know my family would be devastated if they knew what a perverted, worthless piece of **** I am."

P feeds on negative emotions and bad energy. So maybe step 1 for you isn't to abstain from it and get frustrated because you can't go a day without it. Rather, step 1 could be to "notice" your feelings and thoughts just before running for the computer. What are you saying to yourself? What rationalization are you giving THIS time? If you can see the patterns of thoughts and emotions that drive you to P, then you are really on the right track. With increased awareness, stopping or reducing P will be much easier. And even if you don't, you can learn to be more friendly and patient with yourself during the process.

Best of luck!

Michael

[Yechezkel]

Likeafish...welcome to TTF!

I have struggled with P for about 5 years maybe longer, this site and the people here have been an immense help to me in my recovery!

You will find so many supportive people here!

Phil encouraged me to install K-9, its free, and I am leery of free software but I can assure you, it it safe and user friendly, it has no negative issues with computer and I am so happy!

(forgive my spelling it's late here)


Brother....please never be afraid to come back here after you slip, tell us and ask for help, we will never condemn you, you are among friends here...

Yechezkel.

[likeafish34]

Thanks for your advice. I guess if nothing else, I've come here to look at replies to my message rather than going straight to the porn.
I'll take a look at K9. I've considered that sort of thing before, but decided that unless I hand over the password to somebody else I'll always find a way of getting round it. Maybe the hidden long unmemorable string for a password is the best idea.

Michael, you're right. I do need to work on my emotions. My mental health issues aren't bad enough for me to get any help in the UK, but if I can find ways of managing my anxiety and negative emotions better I would be less inclined to do porn.

Well I'm off now to do some reading around the site and look at K9.

That's 10 minutes porn free internet access!! Its a start lol.

Simon

[hannah]

Dear Simon,
I really do feel for you, I'm an SO. I found out about my partner's PA 2 months ago and confronted him, since then he has turned his life around. He reached such a terrible low and hated himself and therein lies the problem. I was devestated at first but I knew it ran deeper than just PA and we talked and talked and talked.
He's read lots of NLP, Brandon Bays and Susan Jeffers books and is going for hypnotherapy and he has no desire to look at it again.

He has learned about how looking at the images damages, how the porn industry is utterly evil and thrives under the pretence of it being 'legal' and 'some women really love it'. He knows it is all ONE HUGE LIE, propaganda and ultimately, life wrecking for the people in the industry and those who look at it.

This site it great, please read all the articles. Please get help for the underlying issues of stress and anxiety.
I am in the UK and I have to say that I am surprised that there are not many people on here who talk about spiritual growth - I don't mean religion, it's accessing who we really are and loving us, being governed by what we know is to be good and what is good for us and those around us.
Our experience so far, (and it was a problem a long time before I met my chap) is that by getting to the root of your unhappiness and devoting time to therapy and reading this CAN be overcome quickly. I am careful not to dwell on this site for too long, my pain and my journey is different and I have chosen to deal with it quite differently to many people, I know that PA is NOTHING to do with my feminity, I don't feel threatened in that way, I know this is not the same for all women. I consciously chose NOT to be a victim.
I think I've been a pretty darn good girlfriend - I don't punish him, don't go on about it and I too, have invested time in taking care of myself. I do ask him about how he is doing and we talk about the brainwashng evils that damage us on the modern world, I think P is one of many. We have both not had a drink either and this has had a wonderful effect on both of us (drink was never an addiciton but it did not help him if he felt down and negative, it was lined to his PA but he stopped the P before we gave up drink).

If you are tempted to look at P, visualise what happens AFTER you have viewed it, the self loathing, the deceit the hurt. Then REPLACE it with GOOD thoughts. This sounds easy but it takes practice and if you can find a hypnotherapist who also uses NLP it honestly speeds things up incredibly.

You have ULTIMATE control over your thoughts, your thoughts affect the way you feel and if you continue to think bad things you will feel bad and eventually your physical health suffers.

I want to congratulate you for getting yourself on here. Stick with it, it's worth it so play the LONGTERM game, you CAN change your state very quickly.

Message me if you want any further info, I don't come here often,
Love
Hannah x

[likeafish34]

Thanks Hannah. It's great to hear that you are generous enough to help you other half rather than dumping him. My wife is generally very understanding about my weaknesses and emotional issues, but I don't want to risk finding out that this is too much for her to cope with.
I've tried loads of different approaches to sorting out my life. Tried NLP and various other coaching methods. I always get stuck on the fact that many of them start with working out your ultimate life goals. I have no idea. When I was younger I thought that it was about success at work and the associated rewards. Well I've done ok in my career, but its not really very rewarding.
I've also looked at the spiritual path. I'm not sure what the rules are around religion here, so I won't go into any details, but I am trying to follow a spiritual path. Even that isn't enough.

I probably need a combination of all of the above.

Most importantly for now, I think I need to break the habit. Hopefully the members here can help me do that.

Simon

[Teemo]

Simon,

You have taken a huge step in the right direction just by getting started on this site. I cannot speak from experience about long-term recovery, because I am only a couple of weeks into this. But the stories I am reading here show me it is possible. You have reached the point where you feel the need to do something about this addiction. So do it. You can't sort out your life in one day, but you can decide on the most practical steps to take for right now. Take those steps. I'll look forward to reading more about how you are doing.

Teemo

[Phil413]

I'm not sure what the rules are around religion here, so I won't go into any details, but I am trying to follow a spiritual path.

In your own journal you can discuss whatever you want, including your religion. In other people's journals, just exercise the same civility and courtesy you would if you were in their living room and you'll be fine.

Phil