I hate what I do, but can't stop

[hannah]

Dear Simon,
You have made great headway just getting hear. I'm pleased you are exploring spirituality and personal growth. It's weird but we didn't use NLP for formulating a big plan. The visualisation techniques DO help to alter the mind's view, but they have to be done regularly and I can't emphasise enough of how hypnotherapy is so helpful. RIght now, you are giving yourself a very hard time and your 'chatterbox' is really putting you down (the way in which you talk to yourself is not at all how you would treat someone else). Hypnotherapy helps to address this and retrain the brain. Before we tackled the P, we were having transactional analysis therapy to get over the years of rubbish we had gone through before we met, this was also incredibly valuable, we learned how we often follow a 'script' as we deal with life events and how we may act in our child, parent or adult ego states, which are useful and which are not.

Have you read any Susan Jeffers books? I've just read 'Embracing Uncertainty' which is a wonderful follow on from 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' and also 'End the Struggle and Dance with Life'.
It is good stuff. If you spend your time on reading, therapy and personal growth instead of P - it can ONLY be good.

I am really rooting for you.
Off to write our joint diary now. We've enjoyed cleaning our beautiful home and we have talked ALL day.
Personally, I am glad I found out because without my input he wouldn't have realised just how damaging this was and he wouldn't have faced up to it being an addiction so, in that way you are already ahead of where he was. I can only say that being supportive of him has made an enormous difference to both of us and I would hope that you can confide in your wife and move forward together.

One little tip, write a list of pros and cons of giving up. Give yourself some positive affirmations and KEEP working on the personal and spiritual growth.
Love
Hannah x

[rosie]

Firstly welcome! :)

My wife is generally very understanding about my weaknesses and emotional issues, but I don't want to risk finding out that this is too much for her to cope with.

As you move through your journey you might come to understand that it is already her problem that she is dealing with, she just doesn't have a name for it, but she feels it and on some level, already knows.
I hope you find it within yourself to realise that this affects her already and that she deserves to know.

By the way...I heard a saying years ago that has stuck with me. "There is no such thing as can't. Can't means won't". ;)

I am hoping that you find solace and support and strength and wisdom here, and I wish you love and peace on your journey.

xxx

[likeafish34]

Thanks Rosie,
I realise that its already affecting my wife. I'm sure that it's affected our relationship. She's probably got her suspicions. She certainly can't miss the fact that over the past couple of years I've gone to bed later and later. Having said that, I've never needed very much sleep.
I think that she may suspect that I access porn, but she hasn't asked me outright. I don't want to tell her because she might reject me or might simply be very hurt. Before telling her, I'd have to think very hard about why I'm doing it. Is it for me or for her?

Simon

[rosie]

I think you misunderstand what I mean when I say "she knows". It is not your behaviour that she feels, it is you pulling away that she feels. She would feel on some level, rejected, not good enough, unwanted, unloved, and cheated on. She knows on a deeper level, trust me, we know these things instinctually.

The worst part of my husband keeping his hidden life a secret to me, was the degradation of my instinct and the confusion it caused. I would question him or try to observe his behaviour as I had a feeling something was not right...however, he knew when I was watching and he would lie to me and convince me I was wrong. This is incredibly cruel to do to a woman.

I bet she has questioned you in the past, or 'tested you' in ways to see what is going on. And I bet you convinced her that everything was okay.

When you take your sexuality away from a marriage, you are not only doing this "to yourself" you are hitting at the core and the fundamentals of the marriage.

Without intimacy - you would be friends. So, you are taking the one defining feature (sexuality) away from your marriage. Sorry but I think its niave to think your wife wouldn't notice this. Also, the more you get into P the less you are invested in your wife usually...the less her needs are met, she would be feeling this.

Its your call, its your journey and you don't have to tell her, but to think that she isnt already suffering and affected by this shows that you don't really yet fully grasp the full extent of p and your secret life in your marriage.

Read some SO journals, please....

Edit:

her because she might reject me or might simply be very hurt.

She will be hurt, and she will probably reject you, but she might also feel relief and validation for her feelings all this time. Sometimes we have to look outside of what doing something will give US and think of others in the process. Does she deserve and need to know? I would say yes. Is it going to be uncomfortable for you? Yes.

I'd have to think very hard about why I'm doing it. Is it for me or for her?

Both. For you - accountability, honesty, integrity and because it's the right thing to do.

For her - validation, honesty that she deserves.

Both: Marriages should be open and honest and by bringing it into the open you are investing in your marriage.

If my husband came to me and said "I have a PA, and I want to stop, and I am so sorry", I would have loved him a LOT for doing so. It would have hurt, and I would have been angry, but I would have gained a whole tonne of respect for him. I know its fearful, but this could bring about many positive changes. Again though.. nobody here will force you to do anything you don't want to. It is entirely your decision - just offering you another perspective is all :)

[chasman62]

Spot on. Couldn't have said it better.

Just want to say that there isn't a PA in serious recovery here who was 'discovered' who doesn't wish they had had the courage to open up and honestly discuss the problem with their SO.

Mine would never confront me (anger, hostility in response) but she was trying to figure out how to find out what I was doing even to the point of hiring a PI.

So...bottom line...if you are serious then disclose it before she discovers it.

[hannah]

Rosie is spot on!
I am SO glad I found out but it would have been better if he had told me himself. Before I discovered, I thought our relationship was going to end, I could not understand the mood swings and arratic behaviour or the anger. IT really was affecting him, when I found out I was incredibly hurt but RELIEVED! I though I was going mad before. As I have said before, I know about his life and the tough times he's had so I quickly helped him to get to the core of his problems, PA was a symptom.

You wife WILL be feeling this. I hope you will tell her.
Hannah xx

[likeafish34]

Hmmm. I'm going to have to come back to this telling my wife thing. I can see that there's pretty strong feelings from you folks that I should tell her, but I just don't want to do it yet. Maybe some time in the future when I'm further into my recovery and feeling better about myself. If nothing else, she should be seeing the positive effects of my recovery. Less signs of depression, less mood swings, more affection.
Simon