The First Step

[NNHelp]

I have had a problem with P for a while now and i just can't take it anymore. Everytime I do it i fight with myself inside my head. Right before I do it, I make justifications in my head telling myself that it is okay just this one time. It is always a different excuse that I will make up to make me not feel bad about doing it.

The thing is that the second after I masturbate i feel like the worst person in the entire world. I feel depressed and i feel like a loser. I hate it. It is the worst feeling I have ever had. I have a GF of 4 years and she knows about my problem. We have watched it together in the past and she doesn't neccessiarly have a problem with it. She has a problem knowing that I do it instead of having sex with her, or doing it after we have sex later in the day. She has a problem with the fact that it upsets me soo much when she asks how i am doing with it. It is a roller coaster ride with me. I will go a week and be okay, but then out of know where, a stupid commercial on TV will trigger my need.

It has come to the point where I just do it to do it. I hate it! Everytime i do it i try to tell myself, "just think how you feel after you do it, you hate yourself, you feel like the biggest loser in the world," but it never works. I lose EVERY single time.

I have made this step because i need to do something, something different than just telling myself i am going to change. I need support, and I need to write about it. I have always told myself I will change once I get a GF, but then when that wasn't the case I said I would change when I get married. I am scared that it is past that point and this is something I am going to have a problem with for the rest of my life, and that scares me.

I hope that this community can help me. It makes me feel better that their are other people out there with the same problems. I am doing this for myself and I absolutely need to change my life. I can't say enough how much i hate myself after i look at pornography. The feeling is undescribable. The worst feeling I have ever had.


I need change and I hope to have some support from other people in this community. It was hard for me to admit that i have a problem with this, and that i am even here now writting this. But deep down I know i have a problem, and i know it will never go away. There is nothing scarier to me, that something like porn has so much power over my well being.

Thanks for reading.

[Yechezkel]

NNHelp, welcome to TTF!!!

You will find so many supportive people here, I am new myself and I am single, I also struggle with MB and feeling like garbage right after, for now I have decided with my accountability partner that I will work on not using P first, then the need to MB will lessen in time...

I look forward to reading more about your recovery, take care friend.

Y.

[Winston811]

Hello N,

Welcome to TTF. I`m really new here, but the group has so far been a huge support for me. Its good to know there is a place you can go to be safe, to get a clear head.

I find coming on here everyday helps me keep things in perspective, and helps me feel dtrong, that I can beat this thing.

We are all here together. Keep strong and you will beat this thing.

Laters

Winston

[NNHelp]

thanks everyone. I plan to check this site everyday and read what I wrote to remind me everyday how much i hate it. Thanks for responding! Support is good!

NN

[271828]

This community will make the difference for you, just as it is for me and for hundreds of guys before me. You can do it, just be responsible to the group and you can do anything.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

I have made this step because i need to do something, something different than just telling myself i am going to change. I need support, and I need to write about it. I have always told myself I will change once I get a GF, but then when that wasn't the case I said I would change when I get married. I am scared that it is past that point and this is something I am going to have a problem with for the rest of my life, and that scares me.

NNHelp

Welcome to TTF. Hate to see you here, but very happy to see that you do need help in this addiction. It is good that you want to get rid of this problem that you have. No one can do this on their own. And you have come to the right place to get the help that you need. How many times have we told ourself, that we are going to stop this addiction to be in our lives.?I know that I told myself so many times that I am going to stop, just to see me keep doing it, and the viewing just gets worse. we are no longer happy in what we was seeing, so we start to search out more exciting things to look at. This is a on going problem, and your fears are so real. WE can have this problem for the rest of our lives if we do not take action now.
No one here can Cure you from this, but what we can do, is give you as much Support that we can. Only YOU can make the changes that you need to make, to get this monster off your back. Try to learn what it is that makes you want to view Porn. then make those changes. You need to understand, that this is a long road, but it does not mean that you cant beat this. As long as you have the Determination in your heart to do this recovery, and that you do want this controlling monster out of your life, Then yes, you will beat this. No matter how good that you thank you are doing in your recovery, NEVER allow your self to get in a comfort zone, and you are thinking to yourself that you have this beat. Porn is a very very sneaky addiction my friend. Just when you think that you are doing so great, It will be up on you faster than you can even imagine. It just loves to fool you, and find its way back in to your life

Come here as much as you can. Try to read what others are going through, and what they done to make need changes in their lives.

You made the hardest step already in your recovery, That is coming here, and asking for help. Good luck to you in your recovery. I will be looking for more from you here to read.

[blindside]

Welcome. Read what's at the bottom of the above post about the necessity of an internet filter. Start a journal. We have all walked this path in some variation or other and only we know its challenges. There is no shame here. There is freely shared knowledge and support.

[maggie]

Welcome NN

It takes a mountain of courage for a man to post about a secret problem in his life, especially a problem that can sound offensive to women and although it may sound ' ok ' to some guys who are doing the same thing, it is nothing that any man wants to get caught doing by anyone he cares about or anyone that respects him.

You have a desire to better your life. You want to take control of this urge that forces you to do the very thing you want to stop doing......It requires a detailed list of thoughts, triggers, times, moods and well written out plans to avoid.

This is much stronger than any habit.

You seem to realize that the few minutes of zoning out and physical sensation of P, end up leaving you feeling lower than you did before you began using. It gives your mind little hints that you are not the one in control here, something else is controllig you, leading you to your stash, to secrecy and then to p&m. What is this force that is pushing you to do what you are chosing not to do.

A helpful activity, even the ones used for stress, such as running, exercising these can leave you exhilirated, full of energy and pleased with what you have accomplished.
P also gives you an escape from stress, but usually you end up feeling bad about yourself, there isn't any lingering energy boost or exhiliration, and you'd never want to let others see you

work.

We all have found ways to try zone out....to escape pain or thinking about negative things. Some people have a few drinks, which is a more social activity and can be shared around friends, and it will for a short time numb some pain and help the drinker feel good for a brief time. But, the next morning, one unsually wakes feeling lower than before, and if they had trying to quit alcholol, this adds to their feeling loss of control.

We all need help with setting our life back on the path it was meant to be, but we all need help from other people along the way. This site has people who can answer many of your questions, guide and support you. Good Luck
Maggie

[tntang]

i can relate fully with what u r saying what worked for me on the mb is takeing those feelings u describe u feel after mb and apply then to before u mb tell your self then i know how i am going to feel if i do this and i dont want to feel that way anymore just in thinking this it will take your mind away maybe long enough to not do it try this everytime and sometimes it may not work dont give up everytime think how u will feel afterwards and the intimacy it is taken away from your gf be strong