The Mind of a PA

[FoolishMind]

The Mind of a PA
A short fictional thought process of a PA
By FoolishMind




I have lived a very much Jekyll and Hyde life without actually realising it. My Jekyll side is genuinely a nice guy, who loves life and all that is has to offer. I love my family and friends, and enjoy company from people from all walks of life. I love to laugh; I love to give my loved ones unconditional happiness.

My Hyde side:
Im alone, just me and a computer. I pause for a few moments, acknowledging what I am about to do. What is my plan of attack?
My eyes focus, one hand on the mouse, one on the keyboard, poised. On your marks, Get set, GO….

Frantic clicking, from site to site, downloading images and videos. Heart is racing, as I become a multi tasking king, downloading from a variety of places, building on this mountain of P, that I will soon dive into, and provide myself with a complete high.

So I dive in, and did not get the high, I need more, and more, the same just doesn’t do it anymore, I need more, I need different.

Times up, I wont be alone for much longer. I must cover all my trails; I must hide all this activity. No one must suspect my little indulgences, and then it won’t hurt anyone. Afterall, I am entitled to my own time, and my own indulgences aren’t I?

Jekyll returns:
I feel very low, very glum. My partner is annoying me. She hasn’t said anything, but she is just looking at me like I have done something wrong. I don’t know what her problem is! I haven’t done anything! I feel very irritated, but for some reason I feel slightly guilty, I don’t know why. She still looks at me like there is something wrong. Have I left a clue? I need to check, if she finds out, she will scream again, and I am really not in the mood for that again. I don’t know what the big deal is, it’s not like im cheating is it!

Great! I forgot to clear the history! I am such an idiot! Shall I get upset, or shall I scream back?....hmmmm let me see where she goes with this…..

You want to leave me, WHAT!!! I think we will go for screaming this time… Everyone on this planet looks at stuff; it’s not the end of the world, why are you making such a big deal of it? Would you prefer if I cheated with a real woman?
What do you mean it’s like I have? Its not, I am here! I am always here. I think you are really making a big drama out of this! If you want to break up this family, that’s your prerogative, not me, I am here with you. Its you that wants to walk out!

Ok that should do it….. I will let her cry and chill out for a bit now. Then I will go in a bit more sensitive…..

I’m sorry darling…I understand it must have upset you, and I know I have promised many times before, I really understand that you don’t like it, and it must make you feel inadequate. I promise I won’t do this again. I do love you, and I am attracted to you, but the more you say don’t do something, the more I want too. It’s over, I promise, it wont happen again.

Ok I think that’s ok now…. I am such an idiot; I will be good for a while now and let things simmer down.

How long can I carry on, with Jekyll covering for Hyde? The Hyde is starting to take over completely and drown out the Jekyll, the real person, which my partner loves.

I don’t know why I am like this, deep down, P really doesn’t do all that much for me. But when I am in the moment, I am like a kid in a candy store!

I need help, things just aren’t right, and I am on a very fine line, one more slip up, and I will lose it all. I saw on a search engine a site called ThroughtheFlame, I need to have a look, and see if there are others like me, and how they are helping themselves, to control this. I do not want to be a slave to this anymore.

[Light]

Hi FM, long time no see. I am so happy to return and see all the great things that are happening in this community, it's amazing what can happen when you leave for a couple of weeks and come back...

I love this post, you should make it a sticky post so it won't get lost later on. This describes my past perfectly, I couldn't have written a better biography myself. Who knew we had so much in common

Frantic clicking, from site to site, downloading images and videos. Heart is racing, as I become a multi tasking king, downloading from a variety of places, building on this mountain of P, that I will soon dive into, and provide myself with a complete high.

So I dive in, and did not get the high, I need more, and more, the same just doesn’t do it anymore, I need more, I need different.

Just brilliant...when I read my story like that, the whole process definitely loses its appeal and power. The "high" that we look for in porn NEVER delivers up to our expectations. Porn cannot keep its promises, and we are left looking, always for more, but it's never enough...

Nice work FM.

[dave42]

Thanks, Foolish Mind. I think you captured a lot of my experience in your posting.

[HalfPint]

Hey foolish, I loved that post. Like others said, You really captured what its like, what it was like for me. I remember that I had several sites I would open up *firefox's tabs were my hero* and I would just keep opening pictures and movies in new tabs and downloading and all that stuff. It was a mess (lol, partially because I'm on dialup).

I definitely don't regret quiting. I'm glad I did, and thank you for that post.

[FoolishMind]

If you liked this post, see how it looks and feels from the 'other side'

Life with a PA – the Dark Side of the Moon

[Tatty]

I've just found this site at 01:07am. This is what being a PA is doing to me. Up to all hours, knackered, irritable, guilty, self loathing, marriage wrecked and needing to break this thing once and for all.

I started watching stuff on a small telly in 1984 and have struggled with P ever since. At 35 and with a laptop at my fingertips with broadband I need accountabiity. I need someones help to help me break the grip this thing has on my life.

Great to see a website like this - I just hope I can break the cycle of temptation and stop this ghastly addiction once and for all.

I want to get on with living my life to the full.

[jae.sam]

I do not want to be a slave to this anymore.

This one statement is my exact reason why i need to quit. i am a slave to it and have been almost my entire life. With the girl i have now in my life, she helps me with that - feeling free and alive. The Hyde in me though, just won't give up and it probably never will. i know i have the strength to stay Jekyll and turn my back on Hyde. i don't want to hurt my loved ones anymore and i don't want to hurt myself anymore either, i deserve better then that.

Thank you FM.

[ShannonErin]

wow fm you have described my boyfriends situation completely

[cmperry]

My husband in words, sigh, what can I do.

[Bozo]

Wow, You have captured this to a T! Thank You