The Mind of a PA

[Abbie]

This really does capture what happens, it also lets us partner's know that we are right. Which is not to be right in a self-satisfied way, but to know we are on the right track to understanding what is happening, and trust in our own feelings and thoughts.

Although it is hard to read what you wrote, it does help.

[brulant]

This really does capture what happens, it also lets us partner's know that we are right. Which is not to be right in a self-satisfied way, but to know we are on the right track to understanding what is happening, and trust in our own feelings and thoughts.

Although it is hard to read what you wrote, it does help.

I have to re-quote this because I need to remind my own brain that I am not crazy, psychotic or paranoid like I was screamed at last night after ending a partnership with someone who wants/needs it to be my problem instead of waking up to the problem in all its ugly truth.

"Which is not to be right in a self-satisfied way, but to know we are on the right track to understanding what is happening, and trust in our own feelings and thoughts."

Part of me wants to feel guilty for finding it, but most of me knows that my gut needed me to know... needed the validity to know I wasn't crazy.

Its so difficult to experience the reactions of someone who can't understand that if they had nothing to hide *then* there would be no problem. Secrets hurt more than just the one who lives a life built on a secret.

I'm exhausted, but so grateful to have this forum and the wisdom contained in everyone's voices. Reading "The Mind of a PA" helps me to remember and combat the part of me that wants to deny and go back to the fantasy of that relationship.

As a SO I am now starting life p free for day 1 and from previous experience feel a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

Its so wonderful to know and feel validated that I'm doing the right thing for me and my life.

brulant

[Tired...I think....]

Hey foolish, I loved that post. Like others said, You really captured what its like, what it was like for me. I remember that I had several sites I would open up *firefox's tabs were my hero* and I would just keep opening pictures and movies in new tabs and downloading and all that stuff. It was a mess (lol, partially because I'm on dialup).

I definitely don't regret quitting. I'm glad I did, and thank you for that post.

Those tabs were monsters! I would click on something and instead of taking me where I wanted to go, it would take me to a whole 'nother page of P, adn on and so forth. It wouldn't stop! Then again, maybe that's it: Maybe I needed to stop it, instead of waiting for it to stop. (Let the learning process begin....)

[FoolishMind]

I thought I would add this link, as it may help others looking at it from an outside perspective.

What P Gives vs What it takes from you

FM

[Deep Pain]

"See where your snooping has us now? You had to go and look...I hope you're happy now. This has nothing to do with you!"

Those were the words my BF left in my head as he walked out the door. Our engagement broken... My feelings have been all over the place. I was enraged finding out what he was doing with my family in the next room. Always "working"...always cleaning the history on his laptop, "gotta keep the laptop working fast by deleting the browser and history". Great excuses when the browser not clean and evidence left. "One of my customer's son was surfing while I was with his parents". Lie after lie...deception after deception...hanging his head leaving me wondering...always wondering.

I want what we had back. Can I trust again? He's seeking help and seems committed. He's leaving his laptop at work, and no internet at home. He's asked me for support. Today he tried to touch my hand, and I recoiled. I want to reach out...I long for his touch, but withdraw when he tries. Am I crazy to want to help and offer support to this man who hurt me so? Who deflected his guilt and shame on me?

Thank you for this story. It doesn't offer answers, but certainly gives insight. The honesty and openness must be so difficult. Thanks for putting it out there for us to try and sort it out.

[Dosta_je]

Oh, dear, so true, indeed. You captured the feeling with such great precision! And it also evokes all those things my father was rambling about to my mother all those yrs ago...

[Mindtech]

Ouch. I've read this first post many times.

It's so very clear. Once I decide to go ahead and do it. I know what to look for. Then I become tired of it for some reason, go look for something else. Somewhere with more expertise in that department. And then on to other stuff.
And oh my god, all the rotten links with all the stuff you don't want, opening on its own. "I'm not into men and I'll never visit this site again!!" But they all have similar names, so I can't tell them apart. I'll be back. You bet I will. And I will tolerate anything to get my drug.
And I see stuff I've seen before at another time, maybe a whole year earlier. Somewhere in my mind I go "They havn't changed it, what amateurs", and another part goes "not that one, I already know that one," scaring myself because all of the sudden I remember it clearly. A third part of me goes "holy mother I'm sick in my head. I know these people's names. WHY do I know their names. If someone asked me in a lie detector "what's the name of this girl" and showed me a picture, I would answer it correctly. I'm a social reject. I hope my mom will never know." Full of regret and shame, still sitting there, destroying my self esteem.

And boy does it suck.

[witnessofjesus]

Yes, I've experienced the adrenaline rush of downloading lots of P from various sites all the same time, and then diving into it to find that I spent 3 or 4 hours for nothing, then feeling guilty, I delete the last four hours of downloaded P, just to repeat the sequel a few weeks later when I need my 'fix' again...yes, it is true, I am recovering PA, and what really shocked me was that I thought my addiction to P would never actually cause me to cheat on my wife of 12 years, but last April, I had one too many drinks when I was out with some 'friends' and found myself committing adultery on my wife and with a woman that I didn't really know, then that turned into severe guilt and then into an 8-month beign where I wanted to divorce my wife because I didn't feel worthy of her, and I was consuming sex from anyone with whom I could get it, and I found a host of young, single females willing to fulfill my needs, and I admit I used them just for that, until by God's grace, I was woke up and realized the folly of my ways and sincerely pleaded for both God's forgiveness and that of my wife, and she forgave me, we are back together and she's supporting me in my battle to overcome , and this sexual addiction that I have had since the age of 12...I also am giving up masterbation, which goes hand in hand with P addicition. I've created a Blog that talks about this Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde syndrome and explained why we are 'built' this way...and I'm also reading a book entitled, "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker which is very promising because it's a Christian book and take this issue from the view of two recovering addicts, which is what the authors are, and how we can overcome this by becoming 'men' and overcoming our 'maleness'...for those who would like to see my Blog, visit us at ***REMOVED***

God bless each of us as we strive to walk in the newness of life...through the power of the Lord Jesus Christ.=D>>:D<

[Christopher205]

As much fun and pride as I took in my hard drive filling collection, a pride I think many of us shared..... It does feel mighty good to know not only is there NO P on my computer, no links to it or history anywhere, but others can't even use my computer to look at P. o:-)
I think it was a Chris rock skit which said "if you know the name of more than one male porno actor and it's not Ron Jeremy, you're addicted to pornography"

[Sonomette]

That made me laugh... I remember that skit.

And good for you for having a squeaky clean comp! Feels good, doesn't it?! :D