The Mind of a PA

[Abbie]

This really does capture what happens, it also lets us partner's know that we are right. Which is not to be right in a self-satisfied way, but to know we are on the right track to understanding what is happening, and trust in our own feelings and thoughts.

Although it is hard to read what you wrote, it does help.

[brulant]

Originally Posted by Abbie

This really does capture what happens, it also lets us partner's know that we are right. Which is not to be right in a self-satisfied way, but to know we are on the right track to understanding what is happening, and trust in our own feelings and thoughts.

Although it is hard to read what you wrote, it does help.

I have to re-quote this because I need to remind my own brain that I am not crazy, psychotic or paranoid like I was screamed at last night after ending a partnership with someone who wants/needs it to be my problem instead of waking up to the problem in all its ugly truth.

"Which is not to be right in a self-satisfied way, but to know we are on the right track to understanding what is happening, and trust in our own feelings and thoughts."

Part of me wants to feel guilty for finding it, but most of me knows that my gut needed me to know... needed the validity to know I wasn't crazy.

Its so difficult to experience the reactions of someone who can't understand that if they had nothing to hide *then* there would be no problem. Secrets hurt more than just the one who lives a life built on a secret.

I'm exhausted, but so grateful to have this forum and the wisdom contained in everyone's voices. Reading "The Mind of a PA" helps me to remember and combat the part of me that wants to deny and go back to the fantasy of that relationship.

As a SO I am now starting life p free for day 1 and from previous experience feel a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

Its so wonderful to know and feel validated that I'm doing the right thing for me and my life.

brulant

[Tired...I think....]

Originally Posted by HalfPint

Hey foolish, I loved that post. Like others said, You really captured what its like, what it was like for me. I remember that I had several sites I would open up *firefox's tabs were my hero* and I would just keep opening pictures and movies in new tabs and downloading and all that stuff. It was a mess (lol, partially because I'm on dialup).

I definitely don't regret quitting. I'm glad I did, and thank you for that post.

Those tabs were monsters! I would click on something and instead of taking me where I wanted to go, it would take me to a whole 'nother page of P, adn on and so forth. It wouldn't stop! Then again, maybe that's it: Maybe I needed to stop it, instead of waiting for it to stop. (Let the learning process begin....)

[FoolishMind]

I thought I would add this link, as it may help others looking at it from an outside perspective.

What P Gives vs What it takes from you

FM

[Deep Pain]

"See where your snooping has us now? You had to go and look...I hope you're happy now. This has nothing to do with you!"

Those were the words my BF left in my head as he walked out the door. Our engagement broken... My feelings have been all over the place. I was enraged finding out what he was doing with my family in the next room. Always "working"...always cleaning the history on his laptop, "gotta keep the laptop working fast by deleting the browser and history". Great excuses when the browser not clean and evidence left. "One of my customer's son was surfing while I was with his parents". Lie after lie...deception after deception...hanging his head leaving me wondering...always wondering.

I want what we had back. Can I trust again? He's seeking help and seems committed. He's leaving his laptop at work, and no internet at home. He's asked me for support. Today he tried to touch my hand, and I recoiled. I want to reach out...I long for his touch, but withdraw when he tries. Am I crazy to want to help and offer support to this man who hurt me so? Who deflected his guilt and shame on me?

Thank you for this story. It doesn't offer answers, but certainly gives insight. The honesty and openness must be so difficult. Thanks for putting it out there for us to try and sort it out.

[Dosta_je]

Oh, dear, so true, indeed. You captured the feeling with such great precision! And it also evokes all those things my father was rambling about to my mother all those yrs ago...