If I have to be here, might as well post

[Jenny]

Hello to all, I must admit I'm not sure what to write, if I actually want to write at all. I'm pretty low right now, I know it will probably help me, so here I write.
I opened my eyes to my PA problem last year, June or July. For a long time, I thought it was, or I made it seem that it was my problem. If I was skinnier, prettier, smarter, cleaned the house better, cooked better, need to be a superwoman and then he will want me, that went on for 6 years.
One night on the internet, I was researching why men look at P, because my husband said everyman does it, I should stop complaining, I found out about PA. I took some surveys and realized, wow, this is a problem. HIS problem. I started cleaning out my house of all the P. I could no longer stand having it any where and I deserve and my children deserve to live in a P free house. I could not believe what I have closed my eyes to for so long. P was everywhere in my home. In every room. Hidden in every corner of my home. The more I looked, the more I found. I myself became obsessed with finding and destroying it. It got to the point where my girlfriends would call me at 11pm and ask what I was doing, "Looking for P". Luckily, all my friends are so supportive and never made me feel crazy, they actually made me laugh through this. I wanted it out so badly. My skin crawled with the thought of it there.
My H and I were soon moving across country to an isolated area, I did not want to move with any of the P. I wanted to start fresh. I started going to therapy, my husband started going to therapy, we went to marriage counseling. I thought we had a good foundation going and though finding help for PAs would be hard where we moved, I figured it was a start.
I learned a valuable lesson, PAs hide there best stuff in the best places. I did not find it until we moved. I found out he was lying to me and all the therapists about how bad his addiction was and how far it had taken him.
I confronted him. I sought help from not only my friends but our families. They helped me figure out if I should stay or leave him. (Which we are on a 1 year lease, we will see how I feel after 1 year and how he has progressed). He is going to an actual sex therapist and to an SA group meeting. He is talking with a pastor.
The thing is, he still is not talking to me. Not just his PA, I would like to think we are more than just his PA. But anything. So far this week, I have caught him on 2 lies, one small, one not so small (crossed my boundries). He still does not look at me and notice if I have done my hair or makeup. Our sex life is barely alive.
I hate the fact that I have moved across country with this man, I lost my friends, my support group, my world. Only to be lied to. To have him destroy my family, my faith, my self esteem, my soul. Only to have been lied to, again and again and again(you know how the story goes).
I'm not quite sure what I am still doing here in this relationship other than, my family and my religous beliefs tell me I should stay. I would like to believe in happily ever after, but he smashed that magical world from my life too.
So, now that I have gotten out all that grief. I hope to come on here and make some friends, find some support and feel better about myself. I can't fix him, I hope to be able to fix me and show my children, my dog and cat a strong woman prevails. I am in the middle of nowhere, surronded by fields and not one support group for the spouse of a PA.
Thank you for listening to my ranting, and I am sorry to say, it won't be the last.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Jenny
I just want to welcome you to TTF. I wish you didn't need to be here, But I do understand why you are. There are so many SO"s here that can really help you through this. I do know how you feel, Because I am a PA, and I destroyed my Beautiful ladies heart.

I like what you said
So, now that I have gotten out all that grief. I hope to come on here and make some friends, find some support and feel better about myself. I can't fix him, I hope to be able to fix me and show my children, my dog and cat a strong woman prevails. I am in the middle of nowhere, surronded by fields and not one support group for the spouse of a PA.

You are so right, you can not ever fix him, that is up to him if he wants to be fixed. But you can fix yourself, and I am so happy that you are here to do just that.

I do hope that the pain that you suffer that you husband gave to you, goes away. I just feel so bad knowing that another man, destroyed there loved one

Good luck to you. God bless your family

[Cupcakemomma]

Jenny,
Welcome. I know this is not the place you want to be but it is the best place to be if you need to. There is so much support, help and knowledge to be found here. It has been invaluble to me in handling life with my S.A spouse.
I look forward to more of your posts.
Take care of yourself,
Cupcakemomma

[rosie]

Well hi there Jenny :) Lovely to have you but sad that you have to be here too. But, never fear, there are lots of us here and you are among friends!

I guess the best part for me about finding TTF was realising I WAS NOT ALONE in this crazy crappy ride.

Take care of you Jenny, read my sig :P Aaaandddd please keep posting and we shall be right by your side. x

[JenMac]

Hi Jenny! Welcome to TTF!
I am an SO and I have been here since last April. My H is here also and we have found much support, encouragement and friendship here! There are many wise and caring people who all share a common bond and because of that they can offer much in the way of their experience, strength and hope to you.
I believe we do go through a grieving period when we discover this betrayal. I believe we are dealing with a major trauma in our lives. It is not an easy path but with the support from others you can build your strength and come out the other side, wiser, stronger and deeper as a person.
I am sorry you are feeling so isolated Jenny! That is a sad place to be. But I must tell you that even though I have never moved and I have all of my friends and family around me, I still felt so very isolated as I chose not to share this with any of them. And so I feel very blessed to have had my friends here at TTF to shoulder my expressions of pain and grief. If not for here I am not sure where my H and I would be at this time.
My H and I are on the path to healing Jenny. We are feeling stronger and more connected than ever before. But even if that had not happened, I would have needed TTF to get me through. Either way the support you can gain here will help us weather the storm.
I am glad you found us Jenny! Keep coming back!
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn