No Longer Living In Denial

[Greeneyed Girl]

I joined this website in June last year, and have only posted something now because posting would make it real....that my fiance has a porn addiction.

I had know idea about this side of life, I didn't understand and I'm not sure I understand it now...what I do understand is the pain it causes me.

He told me some time ago that he'd had a porn addiction, and I had know idea what that meant, until I started noticing how our relationship started to change. Then I realised what he was doing. We talked about it and he promised he wouldn't look at it anymore if it meant that much to me. Things were good for awhile then I started noticing changes in his behaviour again, only this time when we talked about it he got angry and nasty and emotionally abusive, blaming me for everything. Now if I even look like bringing it up he gets really angry.

So we both live in denial land, he pretends he's not doing it and I pretend it's not killing me when I KNOW that he is.

I don't understand how he can say he loves me then treat me this way. How he can selfishly inflict this kind of hurt. I love him and give him everything emotionally and physically! And all I get in return is someone who is never really "here", lies and rejection! Accused of being insecure and nuerotic...who wouldn't be if they were being constantly rejected for porn?

I used to be a confident woman, now I constantly question why? Am I to fat? to old, to ugly, to short, to tall, this list is endless and I torture myself continually. Some days I just want to die. I just want the pain and doubt to stop. I want to be loved, cherished and desired. Why doesn't he want me?

[Cupcakemomma]

Hi GG,
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, but glad you came here.
Take care of you,
Cupcakemomma

[JenMac]

Hi GreenEyed Girl!
Welcome to TTF! I am sorry you find yourself needing us but I am so glad you are here!
I am an SO here and I have been here for over 9 months now. TTF has been such a support for me over these last 9 months! I can't tell you how this site has helped me!
I understand the pain that you are experiencing! I, and many others here have felt what you are feeling! You are not alone!
I am glad you have taken this big step GEG! You won't regret it! Having the support of others who have experienced what you are experiencing can have a HUGE affect on your healing.
When I first came here, it was recommended that I write a letter to my H outlining how this discovery was affecting me. While it was very difficult to put my thoughts down on paper, it really was a good thing for me to do. There is a power in the written word GEG! My H was struck by my words so much more in written form.
My H also joined the site Greeneyed, and we have been working on healing together through this difficult time. It has been a long hard process but we are in a better place, closer and more connected as a couple after all we have learned together here.
It is an addiction GEG. The hurt that he is causing you is just that, because of his addiction. I know it is not an easy thing to understand!
Set your boundaries GEG! Decide what you can accept and what you cannot. Living with pain and sorrow is not healthy for you. Take care of you and your needs at this time!
Thinking of you GEG!
Wishing well for you!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

GEG -
First, welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA who has been in recovery and relapse free since September of 2009.

I'm sorry you have found yourself dealing with the pain and denial that comes along with PA. However, I am glad you have found your way here to seek support for yourself.

I used to be a confident woman, now I constantly question why? Am I to fat? to old, to ugly, to short, to tall, this list is endless and I torture myself continually. Some days I just want to die. I just want the pain and doubt to stop. I want to be loved, cherished and desired. Why doesn't he want me?

Something you MUST remember: It's not you. It's not about you. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

You are a beautiful, confident woman who is engaged to a man who has found an escape in the electonic, airbrushed, fantasy, T & A that is everywhere we look today.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Now, that being said, I will climb down off my soap box. :)

It's very hard to feel compared to P and the women of the fantasy world our partner's indulge in. Especially for those who have body image issues and self confidence issues.

A lot of men use P as an escape, a means to live a fantasy world away from the real world and the pressures it brings. They don't realize their escape is destroying themselves and the people around them who love them.

Jen's suggestion is very, very sound. Write a letter, email, text, whatever means is easiest for you to communicate with your partner, and tell him how his P use is making you feel, what changes in his behavior you are seeing, and what you are going through. Often times, it helps the addict to "see" what they are doing.

I would also suggest you empower yourself by setting boundaries and limits on what you will and will not accept in your relationship. You have the power to control what you let happen to you, and no one can take that from you.

And no matter the outcome, seek healing for yourself. Being here at TTF is a great start - connecting with others who have traveled this path already.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[rosie]

Welcome and SO VERY SORRY to see you here :(

I know it is hard to accept, but I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

This has NOTHING to do with your looks or your appeal. This is about HIM.

Peace to you friend. x

[Dominus]

Dead right, looks has nothing to do with it, you could be marilyn monroe, julia roberts and catherine zeta jones all rolled into one and it wouldnt matter a fig. The problem is with him and it is a deeply rooted psychological problem. Even eventually the porn stars themselves arent interesting or scintillating enough , hence the continual quest for more perfect,ion and younger and more extreme until eventually nothing suffices. The mind rot has to stop and he has to stop it, and he can only do it by really wanting too.
If he's only your fiance you may want to seriously consider your options. What you can't do is to continue the way it is as.
Please keep coming back, and get your fiance to come here.