Been a long road

[Steelerfan27]

P has been something I've fought with, and not fought with, for about a decade. I've had periods where I was able to keep clean for up to 6 months (I was in the military so there was limited access to computers anyway) and I've had periods, like now, where I struggle daily. In the past I've been in accountability groups at college, read books and bought blocking software. I'm now married and it's just blatant denial to say that it doesn't hurt my marriage. My wife has caught me once and I have to admit that I'm going numb to the shame. We don't really have a good intimate life, which I'll go ahead and say is because my appetite wasn't there from the beginning (due to P). I think the shame of P makes me not want real sex or makes me feel like I'm not close enough to my wife for it. I hate it so much, but can't say no when the temptation is in front of me. My wife deserves better, I certainly deserve better. I want to live a clean life where I don't constantly look over my shoulder to see if someone's going to come around the corner and catch me. I want to live free of the fear of not deleting a cookie or leaving something in the downloads folder (which is how I got caught last summer). I want to live honestly and intimately with my wife. She's a great woman and I want her to have a man that's good and decent. So today, after stumbling again, I'm resolving to get back on the wagon and fight this thing. I think online support may be helpful because I can go here for help hopefully in my tough times. It'll be helpful to spill my guts sometimes and come clean to someone. Nice to be here, I look forward to this and hope that it can hep me change.

[Phil413]

Hi Steelerfan27! I'm really glad you're here. You'll find all kinds of help and support here. It's a great group of people.

I hope you'll consider starting a daily journal. I've found it to be very helpful in my own case, and I'm sure it would help you, too.

I wish you every success in your recovery!

Phil

[IN NEED OF HELP]

This is a great post, Thank You for it.
We never know how bad porn is until we are caught, and we see how hurt our SO"s are because of it. I almost lost everything because of it. I was told to get out, and find another place to live. But i am happy that My SO"s has giving me ONE LAST CHANCE. it is now time for me to clean up my life, and prove to my Beautiful lady that she does deserve to be with someone that will not hurt her in the way i did. When we look at how much porn we were viewing, it make us sick to know that it was all wasted time spent on nothing. The only thing we got out of it was seeing the pain we caused to our mates. I never want to see her that hurt again. I am new here also, and only 53 days free of porn, but it is a great feeling. I agree with you that it is good that we no longer need to worry about what we leave in our history file, cause now there are nothing for us to hide. Well i need to pick daughter up from school. I do wish you the best in your recovery. I will be talking to you soon
Have a good rest of the day

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

Steelerfan27, You couldn't have found a better online support than here. I'm complete agreement with InNeedOfHelp. The people here will not judge you. I have only been here for almost a month & me & my SO have been thankful for the support everyone here has given. They will do the same for you. Hopefully, your SO will join you here also,because her recovery is just as important as yours. Best wishes on your recovery & repairing your marriage. Again welcome to the family.

[rogerdodger]

A great post, thanks for sharing.

I can recognise myself in a lot of what you say, particularly this;

"I think the shame of P makes me not want real sex or makes me feel like I'm not close enough to my wife for it. I hate it so much, but can't say no when the temptation is in front of me. My wife deserves better, I certainly deserve better"

I know it might seem like an impossible task at the moment, but take courage, and solace, from the fact that you have acknowledged your problem. You do deserve better and you need to keep reminding yourself of this. It won't come easy, but as others have said, this is the perfect place to start from and a journal really helps you to clarify what it is you need to do and WHY you are doing it. I wish you the best of luck.

RD