by way of an introduction ...

[rogerdodger]

Let's start with a positive! I haven’t watched P. for 16 days now. After a relatively quiet first 10 days, in which I wondered what all the fuss was about, the novelty of being P. free has begun to wear off. Today, was my biggest struggle since I decided to try and get my life back on track. You’ll probably be familiar with the story. Starting with a few magazines during my teenage years, moving on to the odd video during my twenties but nothing too excessive until about five years ago, when things began to go downhill rapidly. The internet makes it so easy to access P. that you’re almost using it regularly before you even notice it. This was the time of my life that I also began to work from home and there you have it – the classic combination of loneliness, boredom and access to unlimited P. For an individual who struggled forming relationships with women and largely relied on P. for a release for much of his adult life, this was always going to be a dangerous combination. The scary thing has been how long it has taken me to actually realise I had a problem. To I think of all the hours I’ve wasted, how I’ve corrupted my view of women and, above all, turned away from my beautiful partner in favour of having a pathetic, secretive ‘relationship’ with a bunch of warped computer images, is quite staggering. But as so many people on this site have testified, P’s grip is so insidious, that you can barely comprehend what is happening. Or perhaps, I didn't want to admit what was happening.

A crucial turning point was when I began to think of how P. made me feel. It wasn’t just the sexual release but more of the fact that when I was watching P. I felt that nothing else mattered. My mind was completely blank, the only thing, I could focus on was the image in front of me. P. provided me with a cocoon that I was able to retreat into. Of course, when that release came, so did the feelings of self-loathing (at times, it felt like I had built up an almost bottomless pit of the stuff!), the promises to start afresh tomorrow and so on. And sometimes, I managed it for a day or two. A minor triumph was a three day break without P. If we went away on holiday, then being without P. wasn’t really an issue. But it’s taken me such a long to realise that a) I have a problem b) the impact of the problem on my life and my relationship with my partner c) what I need to do deal with that problem.

One of the scariest moments I’ve had over the past two weeks was when I spoke to my partner about my problem. It wasn’t her response (which, luckily for me, was reasoned and thoughtful, when she had every right to get angry) but the fact that up until now I hadn’t even considered how she might be feeling. While I was using P, I simply didn’t care about anyone else. If our sex life was suffering, that didn’t matter because I had P. The fact that she might be feeling unfulfilled, lost and alone, simply didn’t occur to me. Because, of course, I had P. Pathetic but true.

But back today. Today, has been hard because my partner has been working and I’ve been in the house on my own. I should really have recognised the signs early on and done something about it. Fortunately, I’ve set up enough barriers that my half-hearted attempts at searching for P. failed, but it’s been a useful wake up call that this is not going to be easy and that I need to work at it. Every day. One of the resolutions I’ve made to myself in response to today’s nonsense has been to come to TTF before I do anything else online. I find that reading through a post is really fortifying and helps me avoid or ignore those feelings or images that might start me drifting towards more dangerous territory.

One final point (for now) – I’d just like to thank all those who set up and continue to maintain this site. It’s combination of forthright views (I love the fact that people say what they think, whilst treating other’s with respect and consideration) and practical advice is exactly what I need.

Looking forward to being a part of this community.

Over and out

RD

[Cupcakemomma]

Welcome to TTF. I hope you find the supports you need to help you get out of it all.
:D

[rosie]

Welcome and congrats on the 16 days!

Also kudos for acknowledging your partners neglect. This is good.

I wish you much luck on this journey! :) Although, luck has nothing to do with it. Plan..plan..please plan!

I agree the site owners are great, although I think they should set up a boxing ring on here. That would be awesome and very useful :)

Be good and stay strong!

[Misty_77]

Hey RD! Welcome to TTF! So glad you found us. I've only been a member here for a couple of weeks and it has helped me and my husband tremendously! If you haven't already, start a journal and try to post in it as much as you can. It helps so much, to just say how you're feeling, what you're struggling with, and/or what your accomplishments are. It not only helps you, but the rest of us too! We're all very supportive of one another and the encouragement is never-ending. You've already taken some very important steps in the right direction.

[JenMac]

HI RogerDodger!
Welcome to TT!
I am so glad you are here!
I thank you for your forthright honest post! I can really relate to all you have shared here!
My H, Mac and I have been here for about 9 months now. This site has helped us to save our marriage, to rebuild our relationship after my discovery of P in our lives.
You seem to be able to recognize what this has done to your life, both to you and in your relationship and that is important RD! The fact that you are able to think this way means that you are further along in your thought process. You are aware that you have a problem. That is the first step in any recovery!
RD, I think it is a good sign that you have sought out recovery and that you have shared this problem with your wife. That is so important! I hope that as you move ahead that this will help you! It does seem to help others here when their spouse is part of the healing.
RD, not sure if you and your wife have considered this but it may be good for her to reach out to TTF for herself as she may feel the need for healing as well. There are often 3 recoveries to be considered in all of this, the PA's healing, the SO's healing and the healing for the relationship. I am hoping that you will experience healing in all of those areas! That is indeed the best outcome!
Glad you have found us RD! This is an awesome tool you can use in your recovery! Use it well!
Let the healing begin!
Jenn

[rogerdodger]

thanks to all of you for your kind words. it means a lot to have people, who know what you are going through, offering support and constructive advice on how to beat this problem. i think the idea of starting a journal to reflect on feelings, challenges and achievements is an excellent one and plan to start on that today.

[paddingtonbear]

Hi there Roger ! Be positive and strong ! I liked Roger The Dodger in The Beano comic....not a patch on the Bash Street Kids though !!!!

Padders.