Hello and Confession

[anon483]

Hello, my name is Eli (I’d appreciate it if you call me ES) and I am a P and MB addict.

I have looked at P for 5 years, starting when I was an active drug addict to enhance the effects of drugs and to make my isolating behavior seem less lonely. Thankfully, due to helpful friends and family, I will be sober of controlled substances for 3 years this coming March! My addiction to P and MB has remained, and I have realized that they have become a substitute for drugs, bringing the forced rush and relaxation that I sought after in uppers and downers while a user. Looking at P is also a reaction to a fear of letting myself be a whole person in relationships.

Over the past few years I have struggled with P, knowing that viewing it can negatively affect my mental and at times physical health (due to lack of sleep) but still continuing to return to it, seeking the rush that it brings. This has affected a recent, short-lived relationship, and has caused me to want to break out of the painful cycle.

I am powerless over my addiction to P and MB, and am interested in gaining experience, strength and hope on the road of recovery through this community. I have experience with the literature and principles of Alcoholics Anonymous (having several close family members who are recovering alcoholics with great programs) and am also interested in finding out if there are ways to apply the principles of AA to my addiction to P and MB.

Thank you for your time and Happy New Year!
ES

[RootedinGod]

Hi Eli,

To answer your question.

My name is Paul and I am an alocohol and drug addict with is 6 years clean. I am also addcited to porn and mb with very little time.

So the answer is yes the 12 steps of AA can be used for everyday life and this addiction.
I can tell you its exactly the process I am using.

You came to the right place ppl here are awesome.

Welcome to the group.

One day at a time, one hour or one minute.
Take small steps is how its done.

Paul

[IN NEED OF HELP]

ES
First let me say hello, and say welcome to TTF. this is the best place to be to start your way to a new life without porn. Just by you being here, shows that you want to rid yourself from this addiction. Anyone who has the WILL and DETERMINATION in there heart to stop this addiction,can do just that. just like any addiction, it is not an easy road. there will be many bumps, potholes in our path. but that is not saying we cant do it.

You said.....
I have looked at P for 5 years, starting when I was an active drug addict to enhance the effects of drugs and to make my isolating behavior seem less lonely. Thankfully, due to helpful friends and family, I will be sober of controlled substances for 3 years this coming March


You have shown yourself that you were able to free yourself of others addictions. So you must have had to make many changes in your life in order to stop theses other problems. P is no different. to over come it, we all need to make changes in our life. we need to see what takes us to that addiction, and make the need changes to win this battle.
There are many things we can do to get a jump on this addiction. just by you coming here, is a good jump start, to your recovery. read here what other people are going through, and what they did to try to overcome this. No one here can cure you. You being cured from this depend on just how badly you want to end this addiction. What we can do here is give you Encouragement, Help & Support.
Never be ashamed by writing here. we are all here for the same reason. We need help. I am also new here. i am on my 37th day of being P free. and after over 30 years of this addiction, I feel so much better than i have in a very very long time

Good luck to you ES. I will be checking in to see how you are doing

[anon483]

As I write this I have been 5 days clean of P and MB. When I get a craving I come to TTF.org and read through the articles, resources, etc. until the craving passes. I feel different, but when I think about my days on a whole it's really nice not to have a part of my day that I ashamed of and have to hide from others. Knowing how I responded to prior addictions the 10 day and 20 day marks may be more difficult than 5 days, but it feels good to know that I can go 5 days free from P and MB!

ES

[JenMac]

HI ES!
Welcome to TTF!
I am an SO here and along with my H have been here for 8 months. TTF has been a lifeline for us during this time!
We also belong to Alanon to deal with a family member's difficulties so we do know the program you speak of as well.
I am glad you are here ES! this is a great place to find support from others who understand exactly what you are going through!
There are many wise and caring people here ES!
I encourage you to start a journal in the recovering journal section so you can receive that support and encouragement from others!
All the best to you as you work to free yourself from this soul destroying addiction ES! You are worth it!
Jenn

[2frustrated]

Five days. Very good! Great strategy to come to this site when you get the urge. It's worked for me, and I know it will continue to work for you if you stick with it.

[rosie]

Welcome ES. I noticed some others called you Eli. LOL Too funny.

Anyway. Welcome aboard.

Look, I am going to go against the grain here. I am not a pa/sa or addict, but I have been. (addicted to food/dieting/eating disorders, and also a workaholic/stress-addict, yes, such a thing exists!) Not a good mix. Anyhow.. avoiding is half the problem of addiction. You want to avoid your feelings, so you 'act out'. Avoidance is actually at the heart of addiction.

Coming to TTF is great, for learning, support, knowledge. But, you need to know why you are trying to avoid? Why do you have the cravings? What is uncomfortable for you to sit with, face, and be with? Is it emotional stress? Boredom? Tiredness? Rejection? Hurt? What are you avoiding ES?

Avoiding is different to diverting. When you avoid, you don't solve the craving, it's still inside you...waiting to devour you when your guard is down. When you divert, however... you notice what you are feeling (be mindful), and you make a CHOICE to change what you are thinking about. This is empowering. This will help you stop your cravings with long-term practise. This will help you behave your way to better life habits. This will help you on the road to recovery - immensely.

Be aware of avoidance. It is a silent killer for addicts.

Good luck.

[Daniel]

That's excellent advice rosie, thank you.

I have been in touch with this "what-are-you-feeling?" aspect for some time, Rowlf gets the credit for raising my awareness of it.

But it was "head knowledge" vs. actually doing something about it that makes the difference lately.

Turn your thoughts and attention to something worthwhile...

And anon483, by coming to TTF when an urge hits, or coming to TTF at all, you are doing just that!

Daniel

[2frustrated]

ES,

Where have you been? I know it's only been a few days, but it's important to visit here often. Make a point to come here at least every other day. It will keep you in check and inspire you.

I also highly recommend starting a journal.

[anon483]

I've been fairly busy over the past few weeks traveling around the U.S.A.- I am still clean from P, although I accidentally ran into it earlier today on the internet, completely by accident (link described as "funny" from a friend that was very NSFW). I looked at it briefly and then closed the window, and several minutes later was amazed and proud that my reaction was so non-chalant! It felt good to have a distant relationship to it, and the lack of P in my life has been especially helpful as I move around and live temporarily with different people as I travel. I do not have anything to hide, and there are no questions about chunks of my day that are missing.

Rosie, your comment is extremely valuable. I have been analyzing my relationship to P and MB and why it is unmanageable for me, and connected to that, why relationships/my relationship to the opposite gender feels so uncomfortable- Uncomfortable because I know what I feel is right, but my actions do not always make that very clear, as if someone else is controlling me from within, disregarding the logic, morals, and values that I feel that I held high. I am in the process of making a thorough examination of my character defects and how I can change my thinking (and actions) to best work with the traits I have.

Thanks to all who commented-

ES