Waking Up

[moreOrLess]

I ran across this forum recently after looking online for some help. I've been a seemingly casual P since the dawn of the computer age. I'm a computer programmer and have been for a long time and as such I'm on the computer a LOT.
Anyway - I've been married for the last 4 years and P has been a problem for my wife and I. At first I was very forthcoming about my digital collection and really thought nothing of telling her about it. Soon thereafter I realized she didn't like it and so began hiding it. Once a year or so she'd do some hard searching and find it. I always fess up to looking but it takes hard evidence to get me to admit. A couple of months ago now she went searching for evidence that I've been looking and she found some. I fessed up again, but this time she really seemed different. It quickly became apparent to me that this was not a pattern that she was willing to accept as a part of our marriage and she started talking about leaving me. We have a 20 month old little girl and another little guy due in a couple of days which of course makes the stakes that much higher.
I never really took her very seriously in the past because I assumed this was just something guys did and that she needed to accept like so many other guys I've talked to told me their wives have done. This time really felt different and I started doing some research and finding that P ends a lot of relationships and breaks up a lot of marriages.
For the first time I guess I looked at this as a problem of mine rather than a problem of hers. I bought a couple of books and have been very much awoken to just how serious a problem it can be. The biggest scare has come more recently in that I've actually been finding it hard to abstain. I never thought it had any kind of hold on me, but I feel compelled to look. It's a very specific compulsion with imagery in my brain and it's scary. Since I spend so much time at the computer there is always temptation and it can be very difficult to resist.

My hope is that every time I feel compelled and feel the urge to look I will instead come here and talk about it... hence my writing now. It's scary just how much of a draw it is, especially since I didn't feel like an "addict" per se. I felt like a casual browser of the stuff.. no big deal. But only in stopping have I realized how much a hold it has on me.
I don't want to lose my family and I am scared I will talk myself out of my abstinence.

Any advice is of course completely welcome. I've read many of the sticky posts here and they've been great. One person wrote of the fear of relapses and how I should think it through to the end. How do i feel afterward and remember that the ashamed guilty awful feeling always follows the indulgence. I am scared but hopeful. How long do the urges last??????

[IN NEED OF HELP]

moreOrLess

First let me say welcome to TTF. this is a very good place to help yourself with your problem. I also am very new here, and i am today 30 DAYS FREE FROM PORN. My lady found out about my P issues a little over a month ago. I cant believe how hurt she was just because i was looking at a little P. but in my short recovery time, i seen how much P does take away from our relationship we have with our mates. P is a very serious matter, and yes it will destroy a really good relationship real fast. as for me, i almost lost the most beautiful woman i have ever been with. My bags where packed and i was looking for a new place to live. I am very happy to see that you realize that you may have a problem with P and you want to fix it. And like i said, you are at the best place for getting help. Yes there are so many wonder people on this site that are going through the same issues as you are, and yes they are very willing to help you with encouragement to get thru this. But it is up to you to do the work, to rid yourself of this sick, family ruining problem.. Yes i know you may be scared, and no one will tell you that this is going to be a easy road, but if you are determined to quit, then you will be able to fight this battle and come out a winner. I am 54 years old, so porn has been a big part of my life for a very long time.I have days that i truly fight not to look at it, and if start feeling like this, i stay clear of the computer just so i dont click away to it. As for how long it take, well i guess that it up to the person. For me, i am sure it will be a long road to recovery, but i am very determined in my head, but mostly in my HEART, to overcome this. And i will be honest, only after 30 days free form P i feel so much better than i have in so many years. i feel so much better about myself for not using P anymore. I am one of the lucky ones that now have support from my lady with dealing with this problem. when she saw what i was trying to do to help ME to clear my life with P, she allowed me to stay, and see if we can work on getting US back together.. I will say that having her as a partner in this, and her supporting me, we have become so much closer together. US men never know what we really to lose until we almost lose the love of our life..But please know that if you are going to overcome this addiction, dont try to stop just to keep you relationship together with your wife. DO this because you want to do it, and because you see just how much of a problem this is for you and millions of other people in the lives.Do it so you can feel better about yourself, and have better thoughts in your head and in your HEART. In time your wife will see wonderful changes in you. she will see that you really want to stop this addiction you have, and she will see you making the need changes you need to make in order to stop. BY you doing this, there is a very very good chance that your relationship can be saved. I hope for the best with you and your family in your recovery. never stop coming here for support. One more thing, PLEASE BE VERY HONEST WITH YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS. if she is willing to be by your side to help you with this, NEVER LIE TO HER ABOUT IT. Be open with her, let HER know what you are thinking and how you are feeling. this will help you BOTH to get thru this. If you have a relapse, dont throw yourself to the ground and beat yourself up about it. but try to see what made you slip, and fix it, so you can keep trying All we can do is to take ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Good luck. i will be looking for your next post
Gerald

[Rowlf]

Hi moreOrLess,

Welcome to TTF. Your story has many resonances with my own. I congratulate you on taking some action when you've realised that it's a problem.

I also didn't realise how big a problem it was in me. I've been clean on on the site for a couple of years and I still have some urges at times, but it is WAYY different to how it was at the beginning.

There's a story that I think Daniel tells about how we have 2 wolves inside of us, a good one and a bad one. The behaviour we get depends on which we feed.

Right now I'm guessing that the P wolf is fairly well-fed, fit and healthy and the urges are strong as it tries to get more of what it wants.

As times goes by the urges do fade, so take heart, take action and let that change happens.

It does take effort though. Effort to be mindful. Use the help and support that this site can provide. Share your story via a journal and read and comment in other people's journals. This journey is meant to be shared one I think. Just by our first posts, where we state 'P IS a problem for me' we change.

Use the planner to have a think about what has triggered the urge to use in the past and to consider what you will do differently next time. Prior planning is a key to success!

Good luck

Rowlf

[2frustrated]

In addition to the advice already given, I recommend:

1. Follow through on your commitment to visit this site. Come here when you're successful. Come here when you mess up. Come here when you have the urge. Come here when you're bored. Visiting here will help you no matter what.

2. Love yourself.

[rosie]

Congrats on your brave step to fight this awful addiction. You could have just kept on going through the motions of life, listening to all the guys who justify their own usage, but no, you are taking a stand. That is great!

I'm a SO of a pa/sa?, and we're slowly working through things. It is tough from both sides. It would be great for you to read the PA and SO journals to get a glimpse from both sides.

Welcome and hope to learn more about your journey.

Take care. xx