Operating from the 'Higher Self'

[hannah]

Hello everyone,
I'm so pleased to be able to contribute, just been allowed to make posts.
Last Tuesday morning my world caved in, but at no point have stopped loving my boyfriend. I am pleased that I found out about his PA because it has resolved the puzzled situations that have arisen, I know see that the P was why he didn't accept and acknowledge my upset at his sudden disregard for me.
At first he came back with 'it's harmless' etc and 'it's nothing to do with our sex life and my love for you' etc... I had to make him understand, via articles and this site that the imagery is powerful, addictive and promotes mysogeny. Once this registered in his psyche he absolutley hated himself. We got together at the end of two very sad marriages, he developed PA during his marriage and used it to MB then, he doesn't now, he doesn't even know why. He was very, very hurt by an abusive partner years ago and it started then - it has affected his attitudes to women because he didn't get over the pain she caused in the right way, the anger was not dealt with.

I've learned the following in the past week....
1. I am attractive, strong and good person
2. PA is not my fault
3. PA is likely to be a symptom of deep seated self esteem issues
4. WIthout the things I've learned in the past 4 years I would not have coped. (Nervous breakdown and depression, dealt with through hypnotherapy, CBT and NLP)
5. I can not control anyone else, I can only control my reactions
6. This is another experience from which I now have an opportunity to learn and grow.
7. I love and support my boyfriend

I am probably sharing this with people who know all about it, but if not, I hope it will help you.

Without self improvement techniques and positive thinking like Susan Jeffers and NLP - I WOULD NOT HAVE COPED.
I am an avid fan of 'Feel the Fear and Do it anyway' and all her books (Susan Jeffers) - In fact in the lead up to finding al this out I've been reading 'Opening Our HEarts to Men' - the male/female roles are very confused and Susan puts this so well, I'm now rereading it WITH my partner, it's not a book just for girls.

I will use this site, you are al amazing and so kind. However, we will also use NLP, I've learned that getting over something should not be time consuming, just as men are brainwashed into believing P is acceptable the brain can be retrained. We will be readinf Richard Bandler's inspirational books and my boyfriend has said he will seek help with a hypnotherapist.

So this is me, Hannah, I was hurt for me for a while but then the real pain came when I worked out he has not loved himself and was vulnerable. I love him more than ever and I feel I'm taking positive steps. If niggles come into my head, I dispell them by feeling love for myself and others, I refuse to be powerless in this.

Thank you for this briliant site. You are all fantastic.
Hannah x >:D<

[rosie]

Welcome Hannah :) This site is wonderful, hope you find it helpful. Have you thought about starting a journal?

Just wondering what your boyfriends feelings are on recovery and what he is doing?

I felt like you did 6 years ago when I was enthusiastic and still strong, but after time it has worn me down to the point where I experience a whole host of emotions due to repeated relapse.

Unfortunately without a proper support structure, most PA's will not succeed. For years my HB has tried doing it by willpower and going occassionally to therapists of some sort...the result was an escalation, him driving it under ground, and us both suffering more.

Time is required I believe. It took 30+ years to create this in him, it is not going to happen over night, and it is definitely not going to happen with willpower and sporadic support alone. A holistic approach is necessary when it's at my HB's stage.

Anyway, would like to hear more of your story. Welcome and best wishes.

[hannah]

Thanks Rosie. It sounds terribly difficult and I hate to think I will become 'worn down' by this relationship.
How do we work out the extent to which they are addicted? :-<

[IN NEED OF HELP]

hannah

Welcome to TTF. you have found the best place to be for all of your support needs. I am a PA. i am very new in my recovery, and i am sure it will be a long road before i can say that i beat this problem. none of this that you are going thru is your fault. I just hope that your boyfriend is determined to beat this problem, and overcome it. but it sounds like he is on his way , because he has your support. i hope he finds many ways to help him in his recovery. I will say that my being a PA, it tears my heart out knowing what us men do too the women we love so dearly. again i do welcome you here, and i wish you both the best of luck in this recovery. I hope your boyfriend finds it in himself to come to this site for help and encouragement for his addiction. once he starts his path to recovery, you two are on the road to a much better life with one another.

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH