I Think I Might Have a Problem

[Not Giving Up]

That's what I told my wife when she told me we were through. I knew that somehow she knew. She had caught me before with P. I played it off as the "no big deal," "its what guys do." This time was different.

I let go the big secret. I hadn't realized that it was holding everything back from me. It held my feelings, my emotions, my marriage. I was now willing to address how that thing that "all guys do," that's "no big deal," was suppressing me.

In looking at it, my compulsion was one of many (all destructive). Of the Seven Deadly Sins I'm 5 for 7. No Wrath, no Greed. Sex, food, alcohol, inactivity, hiding, lying, anything to do with being self absorbed. P is a symptom but not the cause; but I know that in my life, P is a cancer that must be stopped. And if you cure one cancer you can cure them all.

I've spent the last ten years feeling nothing, and the last three weeks feeling all the pain from the damage I've done. My beautiful wife of eighteen years deserves better than I've given. I hope she will stay with me, but I understand that my betrayal was so insidious she wouldn't be wrong for leaving.

To just throw my hands up and call myself a victim would be the easiest thing to do. To say "I can't help myself," is an easy way to quit. I will beat this. I will win. I owe my wife that much. For my wife and my family I'm not giving up.

(of the Seven Virtues... I'm about a 3.5 on a good day)

[JenMac]

HI NotGivingUp,
Welcome to TTF! You are in a great place! There are so many here who know your story. So many who are fighting the same battle, who have had the same feelings, who have seen life as they know it flash before their eyes.
You have taken the first step, you have admitted you have a problem! That is so important!
Whether your wife stays with you or not, you have to realize you are doiing this for yourself firstly. She will of course reap the benefits of your recovery in due time. But for now she is in a painful place and she will have her own recovery to look after.
I am an SO here along with my H Mac. He has said that my refusal to accept this in my life, along with the pain and sorrow it caused to me was 'a springboard to his recovery'. It gave him a huge push because he didn't know if our marriage of 34 years was going to survive this betrayal. But as he has moved along in his recovery, he has realized just how much this had affected him, physically, emotionally, mentally. Those are the changes in mindset that are necessary to stay away from P for the long term.
Through a lot of hard work and committment, along with learning so much as we have moved along our path to recovery, we are still together, feeling stronger every day, feeling a deeper connection and love every day.
TTF has been a large part of our recovery! There are many wise and wonderful people here and you will benefit from their wisdom and experience. Your wife could benefit as well, if she chooses to join us. We have a very active, supportive group of SOs here that would welcome her with open arms! She will be feeling very alone in this and that is one of the hardest things in all of this!
Wishing you all the best as you start your recovery NGU! YOu have begun! Listen and learn and read, read, read! There is so much to learn here! Post often, it helps to sort your thoughts and feelings.
Jenn

[muralmom]

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.-Martin Luther King Jr

[rosie]

Not Giving Up, welcome, this is a great place.

Read through some journals, they will help you so much. Take care and good luck.

Muralmom; I am stealing that great quote for my signature. xxx

[Life-lies-trust]

To just throw my hands up and call myself a victim would be the easiest thing to do. To say "I can't help myself," is an easy way to quit. I will beat this. I will win. I owe my wife that much. For my wife and my family I'm not giving up.

(of the Seven Virtues... I'm about a 3.5 on a good day)

Great goal. Maybe print it up and put it on your computer.

[muralmom]

Rosie, I stole it from someone here on TTF :)

[FoolishMind]

Dear NGU,

a very belated welcome to the site from me, and the primary reason I am doing so, is having read your wifes journal, I was keen to see your current stance and grip of things.

For many it is a complete break from the norm to sit in front of a computer and regurgitate your raw emotions, confess your inner most secrets and feelings, and even more so to total strangers. So first and foremost I congratulate you for taking that first step in creating this opening post.

As you have said you must be feeling so much pain, to realise what you have put your wife through, and like many PA's we do not do this through malice, we simply do this because we are selfish and do not even actually consider what the effects are on anyone else.

Having read several posts spanning a few months from your wife's journal, I was a hoping though for a little bit more insight or blogging from your side to help yourself through this.

So if I are willing I would love to ask a few questions of you first, but of course its your choice to answer or not.

1. Regardless of your wife, Do you want to be P free?
2. If Yes - Why? If No, then do accept the possible actions your wife may take?
3. Do you consider yourself a Pornography Addict?

Simple questions, which should warrant simple answers.

I hope you do log back on as many members including myself will be more than happy to help you work things out.

All the best

FM

[FoolishMind]

Rosie, I stole it from someone here on TTF :)

(cop) 911 - Whats your emergency?
:(|) erm - someone has stolen my signature quote

:-o

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I welcome you to our family. You won't find a more helpful or understanding place on the net. The people here are outstanding & are will willing to help you on your journey to recovery. I pray you'll continue this journey because you have taken the first step. I hope to know you & read your story on here. Again welcome, & were glad your here. Be strong, my friend.

[Not Giving Up]

Well... thirty days since my last post and 6 days since you posed your question. (Before I answer your questions) It's safe to say that I prefer swallowing my pain than sharing it in a (private, yet) public forum.

Question 3... Do you consider yourself a Pornography Addict?
I know that P was driving my compulsions for the last year or so; so yes. I don't know that I feel the "addiction" part (as in the alcoholic definition of an addict... "quit drinking, yet always an alcoholic") now that P has been removed from my life. Net Nanny... gone.

The day the NN was installed, there was another computer tower in our house (belonging to another family member) and I told my wife when she left me alone for the day that a little voice immediately jumped inside my head and told me that I could just hook that computer up and nobody would know. I didn't act on it, but it startled me (and her) that the compulsion was there. Since then, I've been hyper-aware of my compulsions. I'm walking through the grocery store two steps ahead of myself asking if I'm staring at the magazine covers "a little too long." I didn't stare at all, I just caught myself wondering if I would. A few weeks later I was house sitting for my mom (she was aware of my recently admitted difficulty, and told me it was normal and not to worry about it and she would be on my side no matter what (useless - thanks mom). She and her 4th husband have laptops in the living room and he has a Jr. P collection. We knew that those things were there (my wife thought my mom might put the computers away - I knew she wouldn't) and I went with no urge what so ever to open the computers or search for the "collection." I haven't thought about having hidden magazines or dvd's, or renting pay-per-view; without it accessible from the computer, the compulsion is gone.

Now P always drove M. That compulsion has diminished as well. There have been some tough times in the last few weeks when left alone and feeling crappy, I've noted to myself that "if this was two months ago, I would have "M"ed. I don't truly know if that is the compulsion to M or the two steps ahead, hyper-awareness. Either way, I've abstained. So, to your thoughtful questions...


Question 1... Regardless of your wife, Do you want to be P free?
Yes. I've certainly preferred true intimacy with my wife to miserable feelings of zero self worth and shame.

Question 2... If Yes - Why? If No, then do accept the possible actions your wife may take?
Part of my pain now is knowing that my prior actions have set in motion my wifes actions. Now it's not about lying and hiding, its about stepping through the minefield of destroyed emotions and I seem to be wearing big floppy clown shoes. Everything I do, puts my wife back to square 1 (rightfully so). I'm not claiming to be a saint; I do keep putting my over sized, shiny, red foot in my mouth. I'm having a tough time with the fact that saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (or lashing out or just being an A**hole) is held to the same level of crime as lying about money (first thing that I did to damage my marriage) and hiding P (second and final thing).



While lying and hiding, I lived with the false optimism that everything was fine. I had started to worry that I had no real feelings at all... no pain, no sadness, nothing negative at all. Subsequently (and what really startled me), I felt nothing good either, no joy, no happiness, no love. "I love you, everything is fine, we're fine."

Since admitting my P problem, I've experienced life as a normal human being. I've given and received joy, happiness and love; and with that came as much grief and sorrow and pain as I've ever experienced. I can't bury it. I can't hide it. I can't ignore it. I can't turn it off at work, so my job is affected. My worse traits are all bubbling to the surface, fear, paranoia, self-loathing, despair, defeat. What started as the weight of the world coming off my shoulders has turned dark and depressing. I'm crying as I write this because I feel completely lost; and I don't have the slightest idea how to get back.

This might be why I don't spend time here... and why I probably should.