Over this, again and again and again

[hellron]

Hi all,

Not really sure what to say.. I'm an early-30's male who's been going in circles for nearly 10 years now

I'm married, although not really sure for how much longer

I've got kids, although you'd not really call me a father

I first heard about porn and sex addiction after my then-future-wife handed me a bunch of print-outs with diagnostic criteria, after she discovered some (quite extreme) porn on our computer. I'd not 'cleaned up after myself' properly, and left some images undeleted.

That day is when our never-say-a-cross-word-to-each-other, bend-over-backwards-for-a-smile, white-picket-fence relationship .. died. Items were thrown, bags were packed, and I was out of there.

She followed me with the car and I ended up going home, and after much "discussion" (read: fights and yelling), we somehow decided to work things out.

Little did I know at the time, but this became the main recurring theme of our lives.

I'd act out big-time in an addictive way, then cover it up. Lie, hide, construct alternate universes around burying the truth, and feel like a total asshole while doing it - guilt, shame, the works. Then, she'd find out about it, either by finding evidence, or detecting the changes in my behavior around the time of me being a dirtbag.
Cue the massive fights, the death of intimacy, threats of walking out, followed by my sincere apologies and assurances that it'll never happen again.
I'd white-knuckle my way through for a while, swearing to myself that I'm okay - until I crash and burn again in a twisted wreck.

Each time around, her old wounds are torn open afresh, and I see her die a little more on the inside. Each time around, I make genuine promises of change while kicking myself to bits within myself.

Rinse, repeat - ten years.

Things have gotten pretty extreme now. Despite therapy for both of us (both together and individually), and all the good intentions on earth, we're both in really bad places.

I'm out of control, and she's out of patience with the same old patterns.

So, why am I here?

I'm not here to 'save the relationship'.. I'm not here to pacify or prove to her that I can change, and I'm not here because I have to be.

I'm here because I've had enough. I can't accept this behavior from me anymore - I've seen first-hand the carnage and pain it's caused - how I've stolen my kids' mother away from them by causing her to emotionally shut down - how I've neglected my wife and kids' needs while going around in circles meeting my own - how I've endangered my family, myself, and those I care most about in the quest for yet another 'fix'.

This time it's different - this time I'm doing it for me

[JenMac]

HI Hellron!
Welcome to TTF!
I hear a lot of sorrow, regret and resignation in your post.
I am sorry you are at this place in your life but I am happy you are here. And you tell us you are here of your own free will to deal with this addiction for your own inner peace. That is the best way to be here!
I am sorry for what you and your wife and family have been through. This addiction takes its toll on many who are addictd but those around them too. It is truly devastating to many a family.
I am an SO here along with my H, Mac. We have been here for about 8 months and this site has been a Godsend to us! Not sure where your wife is at, but perhaps she could find comfort in being here as well. There are many warm and welcoming SOs here at ttf!
You will find many here who share your struggles. And because of that, they will be able to give you guidance and encouragement and support when you need it most. They will also be able to tell you straight up when you need to be held accountable for your actions and that is important too!
Read and read some more of the many here who have been where you are now. You will find much wisdom here!
Wishing you all the best as you begin your journey to a P free life!
I encourage you to start a journal in the recovery journals thread! There is much to be gained from putting our thoughts down on paper.
Keep coming back Hellron!
All the best!
Jenn

[hellron]

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for the warm welcome.

I think my better half might be joining up, but not sure on that one

I've already started my journal - I'm working through the recoverynation.com workshop, as it appears to really resonate with me on a level I've not felt before

Feeling pretty drained from everything at the moment, but I'll be back to read and post more soon

Once again, thanks for the welcome

- Hellron

[Hopeful59]

Hellron,

I hope you can find the help you need.

[sick&tired]

Hellron,

I enjoyed reading your post. I think you're at the right place. Great things can happen when you've had enough. Good luck to you!

[Life-lies-trust]

You have finally reached the point where you will get help because it is for you and you will decide what you want to do. I have seen this over the last 11 months from my PA/MB and other on this site. When the addict has actually had enough they can change.

You will succeed as you want.