should i cut my losses and just leave him

[wanda]

i'm 43 and have been seeing someone who is 55 for 9 months now. he says he loves me and wants to depen our relationship. his past relationships were always with girls in their 20's and quite short lived. i recently found in his email that he is subscribed to several different porn sites including one with teenage girls and cybersex. i'm not supposed to know about this. he is the sweetest guy to me but this makes me feel like he's cheating. i feel horrible. how and should i tell hime i know. should i break up with him cause somehow i don't think this will get any better.please help i need advice

[JenMac]

HI Wanda!
Welcome to TTF!
Noone here can tell you what you should do. We can only speak from our own experiences.
I am sorry you are experiencing this in your life. Most of us here would agree with you that this is cheating. Something that is hidden and secret from a loved one seems like it would fit that definition in my thinking.
When I found out about my H's P use I didn't wait at all. I confronted him right away. I told him what I found and I also told him that I didn't know if our 34 year marriage would survive this. It has been a long, hard journey but we are here together trying to work through the pain and sorrow to rebuild our life together. There has been a lot of learning along the way for both of us.
You will need to decide what you are willing to do about this. What are your boundaries? What are you prepared to do at this time? Do you want to save the relationship? If so what do you require of him to save the relationship?
Many of us here have written letters to our H's outlining the affects of their P use. How has this made you feel? What does this do to your self esteem, your trust of him, your view of him? The written word can have a powerful impact. It allows our Hs to see clearly the impact of their choices.
Also important to point out, underage P is illegal. If what he is viewing falls in this category, he needs to seek professional help to deal with that.
Glad you are here Wanda!
You will find healing for yourself here whether you decide to continue your relationship or not.
All the best!
Jenn

[astander]

Hi Wanda, sorry to hear about your discovery. Jen's post says it all -- only you can decide. I would love to tell you what to do, but only you know the answer. But we can try to help you find it. Good luck and hope to hear more from you.

[Daniel]

wanda,

JenMac has already provided great advice and excellent points to think about.

I am a former PA now in recovery, still un-learning years of bad habits/bad choices and finally (really and truly) learning how to live without the crutch of P.

From this perspective I read your post.

What it tells me is a man thoroughly into his habit of P: thousands of digital girlfriends at his disposal whenever he wishes.

Part of deep rationalization will tell him this aspect of his life is "totally separate" from his real life, an extreme version of 'compartmentalization' which comes naturally to men anyway (and not necessarily wrong depending on what we are compart-menting).

But we know that the habit of P (and possibly the twin of masturbation or habitual masturbation which more often than not accompanies P viewing) is not "OK" and it is terribly destructive to 1. his thinking, and 2. your relationship.

You mention he has dated women half his age and the relationships haven't lasted. I'll be blunt: this sounds like him trying to live out what he has watched.

Any attempt on his part to minimize, rationalize, explain away, make you feel guilty, transfer the problem to you, or try to portray the situation as normal, is all through and through a choice to keep the P going but solve the problem of discovery -to try to get you to live with it.

For the women I know, this isn't even a theoretical possibility.

On the other hand, maybe he's ready for change, he wants to quit, to be free, to break the chains of bondage P creates -to GET HIS MIND OFF of the host of feel-good drugs he experiences when viewing P and escaping reality.

And if this is true, then it's a best-case.

The journey is long, complicated, will test the perserverance of the stoutest significant other, will experience many ups and downs, but is SO VERY worth it.

You're asking for advice so here goes:

1. confront him with the discovery.
2. clearly articulate the way it makes you feel.
3. explain your going-forward expectations for the relationship to survive.

Or walk away.

The choice is yours alone to make.

The community here is more than able to help you along intellectually in this painful but rewarding journey, either way.

Regards,

Daniel

[NewHope10]

I'm sorry for the reason you find yoursel here, Wanda - but happy you found TTF! This is a site full of helpful people; who share their experience, strength and hope.

There has already been some great posts above. They are right...only you can decide what to do, but we will share our experience with you.

There have been a few "discoveries" since I have known my H - but this last time (three months ago) I decided I would not continue playing this "game" and I refused to live in misery. The day I discovered it was the day I confronted him...and the day I told him it was either P or me. I had never given him an ultimatum before.

I just knew in my heart that I could no longer go on living this way. It took me a couple of dicoveries to come to that decision.

IMO if you do not confront your BF and he doesn't get help...it will not get any better. At least - that's what happened to me.

My thoughts are with you...

[wanda]

thank you everyone for the replies and support.
i feel like crying.
i have not yet confronted him, but i woke up this morning and was very anxious and i know i must confront him otherwise this anxiety will consume me.
i feel like he is leading a double life and i will always mistrust him.
he can give me explanations and promise to change but the trust is broken. i don't think i can have a fullfilling relationship if i'm always feeling paranoid. i will always wonder if he set up another email account etc.
also, last week he was in washington and met up with a 22 yo girl that is friends with him on facebook. he didn't tell me but i saw the email yesterday and today i noticed he deleted it. he gave me his password to facebook and another account but he has multiple accounts which i'm not supposed to know about but i do, and i feel kinda bad about this, but i snooped and found out the passwords for his other accounts.
he has a few very young girl friends(he's 55) and says the're just friends. am i weird to wonder what the heck a 55 yo could have in common with a 22yo? also he refuses to let me meet this friend.
i keep doubting myself, maybe this is not an addiction, maybe
he doesn't do it so much, i don,t know the extent of it.
but i did notice he has favorites in his porn site accounts. i have the passwords for them too. i feel so dishonest spying but since i found out i can't control it.
from the postings i've read it seems most cases don't get better.
so i will confornt him this morning, sorry to spoil his day, and i think i will tell him i can't go on in a relationship when he has a secret life i don't know about and will never trust him. but i am scared. i'm so up and down in this. what if i want him back and i've blown it.
Confused and need advice
wanda

[wanda]

this is not a reply, just a continuation of my story. i confronted my bf and i felt better at first but now i feel soooooo angry for his PA. i feel like he completely degraded me. i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i feel so betrayed i just want to yell at him and insult him, say awful things.hope this will pass.
the other problem is i feel sorry for him . he was so apologetic and said he only goes on from time to time and he doesn't need it and cancelled his subscription. but what's to prevent him from getting another email account i don't know about . he already has 6. i saw the cancellation in his email but when i went to the site his username and password still worked. is there a delay in these things? how can i ever believe what he tells me? should i?
not sure what to do next.

[JenMac]

HI Wanda!
Your feelings are normal! We have all experienced those feelings. Sadly!
As for if you can believe him, well frankly no, I don't think you can at this point. HOw could you? In my situation, it took some time before my H was able to come to terms with things enough for him to be able to share with me. In the beginning he was trying to minimize the damage by softening what he was telling me. I think he may have had a hard time actually admitting all of it to himself too.
My H suggested putting a filter on his computers fairly early on in this. He felt this was a way he could reassure me of his committment to get clear of this. That and his willingness to do what it takes for his recovery, as well as for ours, has been instrumental in our recovery. Communication is also key! Actions speak louder than words at this point Wanda!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[NewHope10]

he was so apologetic and said he only goes on from time to time and he doesn't need it and cancelled his subscription.

In the beginning he was trying to minimize the damage by softening what he was telling me. I think he may have had a hard time actually admitting all of it to himself too.

Hi Wanda...

My H tried to minimize it too. When I confronted him this last time, I said we need to talk about the P he's watching. He responded like I had just asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee..."Ya...what about it?"

Now that was infuriating!

He didn't tell me everything...but it slowly leaked out over a couple of weeks - and only because I kept discovering things on my own. I think in his mind he thought that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Or - maybe he really did think that I was hurt enough and didn't want to add to it? Who knows? Either way...it hurt A LOT!

Like Jenn...my H suggested putting a filter on our computer too. He suggested that the discovery before this discovery and I didn't (although...he was sneaky the last time because he used a different computer for his P use). Even so...I put on on our computer this time around.

This time around...my H is actively getting help for his PA (he joined SAA). He's never done that before...and he's always gone back to using. Jenn's right...actions speak way louder than words and communication along with 100% honesty and 100% transparancy is key!

I know your feelings and emotions are all over the place. I think all of us SO's can relate.

Good for your for confronting him! In the past - it had taken me a while to confront my H each time. This time...I waited until he woke up for an hour or so...then I couldn't wait any longer. Not only was I hurt...the anger was insurmountable!

My thoughts are with you at this time, Wanda. Keep coming back and keep reading the journals. I have a journal and it really has helped me through this - and the other SO's have been sooooooo helpful and supportive and encouraging!

I hope you can find some peace today...

[dave42]

Like NeedHope, I, too, hope you can find some peace today, Wanda. God bless you!