Time To Change

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hi everyone.
My name is Gerald

I would first just like to say hello, and say thank you for a wonderful site to be at for help. Well now you may be asking, why are you here? Why am I here, I need help. My life have always been about P. I really don’t know if a day has gone by in the past 20 years, which I haven’t looked at it in some way or another. Sure I would have told you that there is nothing wrong with looking at it, but I found out there is a problem with it.
I have always hid my addiction to P. My lady who I have been with for about 11 years now has always said she knows I look at porn when I am on the computer. I would just look at her and tell her she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I would just look at her and say OH COME ON, IM NOT DOING THAT, IM NOT DOING NOTHING WRONG. Well she found out. Last Saturday, we received a certified letter in the mail. It was from our internet provider with paperwork showing that we are being sued for copyright issues. Yes I was downloading and I got caught. I played it off telling her that I was downloading something else, and I didn’t know it was porn. Because on peer 2 peer sites you can download something not knowing what the true contents are till you open it. So she told me that I had better fix it. On Monday I knew I had to tell her the truth, that I was doing it. And there is fear in my life now knowing I may get more of these notices in the mail. What truly sucks about this is that since the internet is in her name, she is the one that is being sued. Look at the mess I put into someone’s life that wants to have nothing to do with porn.
Did I ever want to get caught? HELL NO. Truly thought I never would.
Am I glad I got caught, yes I am. Why am I glad? I saw from that second on how hurtful P can be in your life. Here is a woman that I truly do LOVE, a woman that to me is the MOST beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, a woman who has always given me 100% of her love, a woman who has put up with so much being with me, a woman that I know would never in anyway shape or form cheat on me, a woman who is the BEST mother, and grandmother. Here a woman with so many wonderful things about her, I WATCHED HER DIE THAT VERY SECOND. I hurt her so bad. She told me that she no longer feels like a woman. She feels that everything that I had ever told her was a lie, that I never loved her. She told me that I just threw 11 years away that we so very hard try to make work. She told me to get the F#&$ out of the house, I JUST DESTROYED EVERYTHING HERE. You see I not only destroyed everything I have with her, but she has a 15 years old daughter, who I LOVE as if she is mine ( there is no step word when it comes to her being my daughter, I love her as she is mine), well I destroyed that to. My daughter and her mom has got a very special relationship, it is truly remarkable the love they have for one another. I never had seen that much love in my life from a mother and daughter. She has always called me PAPA. And that has always made me feel so very proud and special. Those words mean the world to me. And now that is gone. I truly messed up everything. What hurts so bad is that this beautiful girl (my daughter) has gone thru so much in the past year. Last October she lost her dad, he passed away. A few months ago she lost her grandpa,( my ladies father). And now I am putting her through all this. I was told to just leave the both of them alone, and that I was not ever even allowed to hug my daughter again, because my lady told me that she doesn’t need a dirty sick discussing person to touch her daughter. And the reason she doesn’t call me papa is because her mom told her not to. BUT I RESPECT THAT, NO ONE BUT ME PUT WHAT US THREE HAD IN THE TROUBLE. So here I am sleeping in the other room and a very small room, with just a twin bed, a tiny dresser that barely holds the TV, with everything I own, clothes and everything just thrown in that room. I was told I need to be out by this sat.( tomorrow ) so hard laying in that room hearing the woman I love so dearly in her room crying all night. I TRULY RIPPED HERE HEART OUT. She even came in one night and ripped up our pictures, and before she left the room, she once again reminded me just how discussing I am to her and that she hates me. And she does not like that word (So I knew she meant It.), and before she left the room, she did something she had never done before to me. She wracked me right across the face. I just sat there knowing I had deserved that, and probably much more. That is when that I knew I needed to get help. I truly just how hurt she is. Her love for me was gone. I threw it all in the trash. But I need to say this, I wont lie, before I looked on the net to see where to get help, I planned a way to end my life. I wrote letters to all of my loved ones, I willed everything that I have to my lady. To me that was my way out. My way of knowing that I won’t ever see the pain that she as so deep in her heart again, the pain I put upon her. So I went out drinking, just hoping to get up enough strength to do what I planned on doing that night. I just could not live anymore know that I lost all in the world that means the most to me. It was all gone. Well if I went out that night to get rid of my pain, why am I here to be able to write this long letter to you all?? Well what changed my mind was that I got a text from my beautiful lady asking if I would be able to take her daughter to school in the morning. Right then I thought maybe just maybe I would be able to see that wonderful girl again. So a couple of hours later I went back to that messy little cramped room. But I was happy to be there. The next day I asked my lady for permission to talk to our daughter. But I don’t want to do it unless she is there listening. She said yes. So when she got home, she asked me if I still wanted to talk to her and I said yes and she was called to the room. Now remember I am talking to a 15 yo girl who already know what I done, and was very hurt about the pain I caused her and her mom. So I talked to her just telling how sorry I was. She just sat there with that very hurt look on here face, here legs was shaking so hard you could feel the floor move, when I was done talking, her mom asked her if she had anything to say to me about what I talked about, and she just looked at me with that pain in her eyes and said no nothing to say. So they left to get food. I went out to get smokes while they were gone and I got text that they was home with food. I walked in and saw my food on the tray in the front room, and I picked it up and said ok thank you, and said I will be off to my room. My lady said why you going there, we always eat in here together. Well when I got done eating I got up to go to the room, but my lady stopped me and told me that my daughter had something she wanted to say to me.. The words that came out of that young ladies mouth will be the words that I will never ever forget. She told me this. Me and my mom was talking, we know that with your drinking you caused problems, but we always give you another chance. So we are going to give you another chance with this, but you better change. THERE WILL BE NO MORE. It is going to be a very long and rough road, but I know with support, I will be on a smoother road soon. At this time I can say from my heart, that IF I get through today with no porn, it will be day number 6

Sorry it was so long, THANK YOU FOR READING

[NewHope10]

Hi In Need of Help...

I am an SO of a PA.

I read your into - and I have the following to say...

Your story brought tears to my eyes. I see the hurt and pain from all sides of your family. PA is mind boggling to me - as I can see the of devastation and dispair that lays in it wake...turning everyone's world upside-down.

I have to say that you have one special lady and daughter who obviously love and care about you deeply.

Congratulations on being P-free for six days! Do you have a plan in place moving forward? Ate there any SAA meetings in your area? Its good that you found TTF because you will find its a great source of support and hope. There is so much more to learn about PA - and TTF will help you with that. I hope you have other sources for help in your recovery journey. You figure...why not get help from wherever you can find it.

I know that otheres here (including myself) have a journal on TTF. I would highly recommend it! Not only will you get things off your mind and into your journal, but others will be able to offer support and share their experience and strength with you.

I wish you all the best on your journey...and keep coming back.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Well i just got off the saa website and found a location pretty close to me. So if all goes good, im hoping to start tomorrow. Thank you for replying. It truly made me feel good that it show people do care about what we are going through. Sorry for cap, didnt realize they where on. Im ouua her, need to go get my daughter from school

[Charly22]

The love and closeness you describe when speaking of your lady and daughter....that's the good stuff right there....fulfilling, never ending. Porn is destructive, and will always leave you feeling unfulfilled. I am reminded of the Kenny Chesney song...that's the good stuff......have a listen.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

They are my life. i have put them through so much, more than they ever deserved. i can never ever see my life with them not being in it.
they have always been the reason why i want to wake up in the morning. i asked my daughter what she wanted me to work on, and her answer was WELL this problem you have now, and she said that i need to stop drinking and smoking. i looked at her and just told her i will get help with the first two, but i need my smokes right now as i go through this period in my life. LOL. thank GOD she said ok. all kidding aside, i know i have a hell of a hill to climb right now. but from there love, and the support from you wonderful people here, I CAN AND WILL DO IT
thanks for you reply

[JenMac]

Hi Gerald!
Welcome to TTF!
It seems like you have huge reasons to want to rid yourself of this addiction in your life. While it may seem overwhelming at this time, it is in fact one of the best ways to start your journey, it seems.
There are many here who saw life as they knew it flash before their eyes and came to expect life to come crashing down around them at any moment. That is motivation if ever I saw any!
While this will hopefully give you a good start on your journey, as you move along I am sure you will discover so much more about why you need to put this behind you. All that this has done to you and your psyche is so important for you to understand and as you move away from P in your life, you should be able to see that more clearly!
Wishing you all the best as you begin your journey!
Read, read, read!
Make plans to fill your time.
Journal and seek out every resource you can find.
Perhaps your wife could find comfort here as well. I know it has been a lifeline for me!
All the best Gerald!
Jenn

[astander]

Hi there. I read your whole post, and it really sounds like there's going to be alot to work through. But it also sounds like you can do it. Work hard and don't give up. Relapse is not an option. Stay strong, you can do it.

[sick&tired]

Hi Gerald, Your story was powerful. Glad you're getting a second chance and it seems you are in the right place to get a fresh start. As others have said, I highly recommend a committment to the daily journals on this site. I've only been here three weeks but it feels amazing to let your feelings out and have the good people here listen and respond.

Also, I hope your lady understands down the road that all addicts lie to protect their interests and you never meant to hurt her. It's not always as simple as a choice when you are addicted to something until you start working on it. I have always been honest with my wife about everything outside of P but never had any trouble lying to cover my tracks in fear of retaliation.

Good luck - just take it day by day and remember that you're doing this for your family but also for yourself.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

jenMac- astander- sick & tired

thank you three for the replies. the kindness from everyone here makes me feel great. so far it turned out to be a great night. well almost. my lady and my daughter left for a while. here i was all alone in front of the computer. and at that point of time, for some reason i just wanted to take a real quick look at some P. But knowing that would not just be a quick look, though it killed me to do so, i turned off the computer, and ended up doing some laundry. im so glad i did. the feeling of guilt i had inside just thinking about it. so i just stayed in the front room for a while until i started feeling better. but i have to say i was rewarded for it. my lady came in the room, crying still feeling like she is not a woman. she looked at me and touched my hand, and said please just give me some time. i looked at her and told her to take all the time she needs, because i am the one that made her feel this way. i told her it might be good if she ever wants, to and look and some of the post that other SO are going through and read about how they felt. i think in time she will. i told her everything i am doing is for me to make us better. that it took me this long to find out i had a very bad problem. and i told her i realize now the shame i had inside is what was keeping me from touching her the way i should. DAMN I LOVE THAT WOMAN, SHE IS MY LIFE

[NewHope10]

she looked at me and touched my hand, and said please just give me some time.

Hi again, Gerald...

I see that you have compassion in knowing that it will take your lady time. And it will. Its a recovery journey for us SO's as well. I found that my H seemed to make leaps and bounds in his recovery, while it has taken me a lot longer. This appears to be the way it is for most (if not all) of us.

I hope your lady will read some of the SO's journals, and perhaps even join TTF and start one herself. As much as TTF is of great support and healing for the PA's...its a Godsend for us SO's.

You said: But knowing that would not just be a quick look, though it killed me to do so, i turned off the computer, and ended up doing some laundry.

Good for you! You did the right thing! Congratulations on making the right choice!

You wrote that you contacted SAA and might start going to meetings. That is a brave step. I remember when my H went to his first SAA meeting...it was not easy for him. Really not easy. So if you feel nervous about it in any way...just know that this is normal. After that first meeting, it has been a lot easier for my H to go. It just takes that first step. And do you know what? It is worth it! Not only has my H been P-free for three months...he is learning a new and healthy way of living. He is a changed man...for the better! And because he is working on his PA and transforming his life...it is rolling over into our marriage. We've been closer and happier than we've been in a very long time.

SAA also has telephone meetings every day of the week - a couple times a day.

Anyway...I'm glad you found TTF. Keep writing, reading and reaching out!