Hi. I'm new here.

[grasshopper]

I am addicted to masturbating to porn. I have been trying to quit for 30 years. I have tried to quit maybe 100 times. I have always returned.

Then on 25 August 2010 this year something clicked. I don’t know what happened but I suddenly came to a fresh resolve. I spent the day reading posts on a porn addiction forum, I bought accountability software and installed it on my computers, I updated my wife on my latest venture and made her my accountability partner with the password to the software, I bought some fresh reading materials, I contacted some porn-addicted friends and asked them to join me in a fresh attempt, and I contacted a counsellor to set up some counselling sessions.

Since then I have masturbated to porn once. I am now over 8 weeks without masturbating to porn. Having said that, I have dipped into looking for non-porn images and engaging in behaviour that I know will trigger me to lustfulness. I have toyed with the boundaries. I have not been clean in mind every one of those days. But I am clinging to sobriety and I am working on recovery.

I find I am now entering into a new and tough part of this journey. I am learning that porn was not really the problem, but the symptom. The problems are selfishness, guardedness, mean-spiritedness, failure to connect with people, insecurity, fear of not measuring up. I porn to avoid life. I also procrastinate to avoid life. I avoid family and friends to avoid life.

I have found a few mental tools useful in this latest tilt at recovery. Lately I have found the most useful things to be breath awareness (which brings me back to earth out of that lust fog and puts my executive mind back in control), and a realisation that I have to actually experience what it feels like to resist urges. Recovery is not magic; I actually have to do the work, not just wave a wand. When an urge comes, I can’t give in to it, but I also can’t avoid it. So I just have to accept that that is what it feels like and know that it will pass like everything else does. Central to recovery are my daily meditation practice, regular exercise and deliberately trying to engage with people in an empathic way.

I am married 10 years have four kids. My wife puts up with no bulldust and calls it like it is. She scolded and yelled at me. She tried to understand me. Tried to accommodate my porn use. Gave me an ultimatum once. She tried everything and none of it really worked. I would quit then go back to porn. But this time was different: 25 August was the first time I went to her and said, I have been back on the porn and am starting again on the path to recovery. She can’t really trust me yet, but she has already seen changes in me. I think it boils down to me just being less of an arsehole. I am very grateful for my wife who didn’t give up on me and who now deserves the reward of an authentic husband.

[givingupforgood]

Welcome to the site. I found your post really inspiring because it seems like you've done a lot of hard thinking about the roots of the problem, and to me that's the most important thing. I particularly connected with the following:

"I am learning that porn was not really the problem, but the symptom. The problems are selfishness, guardedness, mean-spiritedness, failure to connect with people, insecurity, fear of not measuring up. I porn to avoid life. I also procrastinate to avoid life. I avoid family and friends to avoid life."

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you good luck. It seems like you have some good techniques for dealing with the urges. Exploring the problems you mentioned above won't be easy but I guess you will learn a lot about yourself in doing so - that's certainly the case for me.

[JenMac]

Hi Grasshopper!
Welcome to TTF!
What a great first post! And what a great start you have made! You have already taken those important first steps and put a lot of things in place for yourself. I am glad you found your way here!
You will no doubt find it helpful to be here amongst people who are experiencing the same things you are.
I encourage you to start a journal in the recovery journal thread and to post to it often. Writing your daily thoughts and experiences will help you to organize and deal with your thoughts and struggles. Having others respond and comment or offer guidance is the icing on the cake.
You already have some great practices going in your life. That is awesome!
For my H, Mac and I, we have found that TTF is a wonderful support to both of us in this recovery process. It is a place where we can individually receive support and encouragement but where we can come together as a couple as well. It is a starting place for many conversations that are necessary for our healing. Perhaps your wife would be interested in joining TTF as well?
I wish you well on your journey GH! They are others here who will be more able to assist you with your current struggles.
Keep fighting the fight! You are worth it! Regaining your sense of self worth is so worth it!
All the best!
Jenn

[City Fool]

Welcome and I agree with Jenn 100%. First great post.

I'm in a rush this morning and don't have the time to give you a proper reply but I just had to welcome you after reading that great post.

More later.

CF

[muralmom]

you hit the nail on the head with the selfishness...I will follow your recovery and you sound very self aware and it is refreshing!

[grasshopper]

Thank you to all who have responded to my post. It is surprising just how uplifting it can be when someone unknown and anonymous responds in a supportive way. I have been quiet on the forum, but I am still in recovery. I will post more in my journal, perhaps next week when things at work quieten down a little.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

grasshopper

I just want to say hello, and welcome to TTF. I also am very new here, and i have found this site to be very encouraging and uplifting in my recovery. we hope to see you here for a long time to continue getting the love and help and support we all get from this wonderful site. As i alway say, we all can win this battle. LETS DO IT TOGETHER