Hello...not sure if this is the right place for me..but

[addictedguy45]

I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll give some basic stats. I'm 44 and a single custodial father (get along well with his mother). I have a great job/career, agnostic, loving family (parents have been happily married for 54 years), good health (lost 75 lbs in the last year and I look good)....in short, life is good...at least from the outside. Inside is nothing but turmoil and despair. I'm lonely, I'm tired of dating, and I believe I'm a sex addict (no, it's not just porn...more on that later). So I'm resorting to sharing my inner demons with a bunch of strangers online. Many of my relationships have centered around sex...beginning with how quickly we started with sex (usually within 3 dates). I've had my heart seriously broken twice in my life (not an excuse I know, but likely the cause of my intimacy issues). The first one when I was 21 and my first love dumped me. Looking back, I can't blame her...I was going nowhere at that time in my life. The last one was nearly 3 years ago when I discovered my fiance was an alcoholic (and I blamed myself for a long time for NOT figuring it out sooner). I had a good friend that has been in recovery in alcoholism for 3 years that helped me realize that she'd had more practice hiding her drinking from people than I had looking for it.

In any case, I've always been into porn into one extent or another...usually not an obsessive-type thing. Look at porn and MB since I was 18. With online it became easier but when I'm in a relationship, I seldom look at porn (usually, it would be something I'd share with my SO). I've never cheated on an SO. Anyway, I've been into watching cam girls since the last breakup...but that's really just the tip of the iceberg. The problem goes WAY beyond porn for me. I've been seeing escorts off and on for years (whenever I'm single and down about it)...and the last year, it's been A LOT. To me it's a problem when I'd rather pay for an hour with an escort than go on a date. Even to me looking at it seems pretty screwed up...but I justify it to myself which if I think about THAT, is REALLY screwed up. I hesitate to guess how much I've spent on cam girls, strip clubs (including more than a lap dance), and escorts...surely in the thousands of dollars. It hasn't cost me financially because I still pay my bills, take care of my son, and can afford to do nice things from time to time. I've never let my sexual addiction affect my relationship with my son or doing things for him (again, I can justify it to myself that I'm still taking care of business at home and at work). I've more or less made dating vs. escorts into an equation that makes sense in a totally farked up way. If I take x dates to get laid + frustration/pain of dealing with another failed relationship vs. paying $200-300 for an hour with an hot 18-30 year-old escort (or more if there's 2) - any frustration/pain. Again, if I look at it from the outside, I'm exhibiting a classic addiction mindset by justifying my behavior.

If I had to guess my fear of intimacy or relationships centers around a few things. Fear of being hurt again, fear of rejection (which is why I hate dating), and fear that maybe I'm just not a good partner for someone. That last one is probably the most painful...the realization that maybe I just suck. I've never had a problem finding a date...and now the only dates I can find I have to pay for. I could justify it when I was way overweight...or when I made less money...but now I'm in shape, and I have a job that pays very well...so you'd think (maybe not you because none of you know me...but I thought so) I'd have something to offer someone...but the frustration of NOT being able to find someone is what has led me to believe that maybe the last issue is just the truest one of all. I'm not a jerk in a relationship, I'm a gentleman...I don't get it. Maybe I've turned ugly as I've gotten older (though I don't think so). Perhaps I'm just ugly on the inside and that's what people are seeing. I've NEVER been this insecure when it comes to dating. When I'm with an escort for a GFE (girlfriend experience), I'm paying for a pretend girlfriend for an hour. It's not just sex...it's pretend intimacy complete with cuddle time and pillow talk. Probably the saddest thing about my experiences with escorts is that when it's over, I don't feel ashamed or anything else (other than a sexual release)...it's only when I sit around and think about where I am in life that I think it's really farked up.

Sometime around June I threw myself into dating again after I lost all my weight and cut off all extracurricular sexual activity (porn/strip clubs/escorts)...which only led to more frustration. Around October I gave up on dating and went back into the entire cycle only more hardcore than I have before. Instead of a bi-monthly excursion with an escort it was every weekend and sometimes 2 girls at a time.

As I sit around and think about it...I'm really lost right now. The bottom line for me is that I'll remain lonely so long as I live this lifestyle...but fear of the above prevents me from stopping.

I'm not religious or spiritual at all...so I'm not a big fan of 12-step programs (don't buy into the "higher power" thing). I am starting one-on-one therapy again...unfortunately, all of the SA groups in my area are mixed (I'd do better dealing with just guys...I could be more open and not thinking about wanting to nail the female sex addict) and 12-steppers. I really don't know what else to do. Perhaps this is not the right place for me as my problem extends beyond a porn addiction...if not, perhaps someone could direct me to a place that could help. I guess the first step is admitting to myself that I have a problem.

[City Fool]

Okay. Just real quick.

A. You are in the right place.

B. You have a great sense of humor.

C. Most addicts feel ugly inside.

D. Most (But not all....) are not ugly inside.

E. You have an honest and frank view of your problem/addiction.

That was one of the best introductory posts I've read in a long time.

Now, break that down into smaller posts and the folks here will give you all the support you need.

I hope you stick around. I apologize for just having touched on the main points of your post. Just how did you find this site and what compelled you to post?

CF

[addictedguy45]

Okay. Just real quick.

A. You are in the right place.

B. You have a great sense of humor.

C. Most addicts feel ugly inside.

D. Most (But not all....) are not ugly inside.

E. You have an honest and frank view of your problem/addiction.

That was one of the best introductory posts I've read in a long time.

Now, break that down into smaller posts and the folks here will give you all the support you need.

I hope you stick around. I apologize for just having touched on the main points of your post. Just how did you find this site and what compelled you to post?

CF

I found this site by looking for non 12-step SA groups. As to what compelled me to post? I'm afraid of turning a dark corner where I just give up on finding love and continue finding solace in the one thing that will take me away from it...my addiction to sex. It's a rather viscious cycle for me. I just find myself justifying things that not that long ago I would have never guessed I'd be in this position.

I'm not looking for a quick fix....though truthfully, the best thing for me would be to find (the right) someone and fall in love again. The problem is that I dislike the process of dating...I'm so jaded by the entire thing, that I'm not even trying. Right now, my thought process is so twisted, I have no idea where to begin. It's not as simple as saying stop (even in the back of my mind I'm thinking about who I'll hook up with this weekend for a tryst).

I guess the one thing I AM trying to do and it is taking a conscious effort...is spend more time going out and looking for a date, more time on dating sites sending out greetings than my normal time of viewing porn and planning which escort I'm going to screw this weekend. It's an effort because dating seems so futile right now to me. I'm not going to make a pithy quote about "one day at a time" but I know I have to actually force myself to get into a dating mindset, rather than a sex-oriented one.

Healthy relationship? That concept seems so far flung. Ironically, I haven't had sex with anyone I've dated since the last breakups because when I'm seeing someone, I like to keep sex (actual sex) out of the equation on whether I want to see someone (as that's been a past weakness of mine). I know that in the past, I'd stay with someone because the sex was good, not because they were good for me.

Man am I farked up.

[City Fool]

You made a good choice in joining this site and I know all to well the, "farked" up feeling.

Are you in therapy? No need to answer, however, a professional can move you along more quickly. You need to find one who's a good fit for you, but that gives you another weapon.

Like you, initally (Before I joined the site) I avoided the pith(?) of 12 step but when you start building your plan to change your attitude toward s*x and women you'll start to see the program reflect in your own program. Did that make sense?
It's early and I'm not awake.
When I see a last line in a post as yours, I know the person is really down and all of PA's have been there and revisit that feeling from time to time.
Quick fix is about as useful as it sounds. You've got a good idea of who you are, who you'd like to be and why.
All you need is a plan and a journal to track your progress.

Look around on the site. I've seen some truly messed people make amazing progress and some who refuse to see the scope of their addiction and drop off pretty quickly.

There's no judgement here. No one is going to tell you what to do. But you'll get all the support and advice you ask for.
The mods here are pretty sharp and can point you in the right direction. It's up to you to head that direction or one of you own choosing. As long as freedom from addiction is the goal, it matters little. I guess what I'm saying is you have your carrot, you need stick. Being here is a mighty good start.
(Again with the generalities but I'm in a hurry this morning.)
CF

[addictedguy45]

You made a good choice in joining this site and I know all to well the, "farked" up feeling.

Are you in therapy? No need to answer, however, a professional can move you along more quickly. You need to find one who's a good fit for you, but that gives you another weapon.

Like you, initally (Before I joined the site) I avoided the pith(?) of 12 step but when you start building your plan to change your attitude toward s*x and women you'll start to see the program reflect in your own program. Did that make sense?
It's early and I'm not awake.
When I see a last line in a post as yours, I know the person is really down and all of PA's have been there and revisit that feeling from time to time.
Quick fix is about as useful as it sounds. You've got a good idea of who you are, who you'd like to be and why.
All you need is a plan and a journal to track your progress.

Look around on the site. I've seen some truly messed people make amazing progress and some who refuse to see the scope of their addiction and drop off pretty quickly.

There's no judgement here. No one is going to tell you what to do. But you'll get all the support and advice you ask for.
The mods here are pretty sharp and can point you in the right direction. It's up to you to head that direction or one of you own choosing. As long as freedom from addiction is the goal, it matters little. I guess what I'm saying is you have your carrot, you need stick. Being here is a mighty good start.
(Again with the generalities but I'm in a hurry this morning.)
CF

Yes, I'm in therapy again starting next week.

On the bright side, no porn or escorts today...I went to a company holiday party tonight. I met one nice lady (as in we exchanged contact info) and my recruiter wants to hook me up with her cousin (which I said sure...not a fan of blind dates...but I'm forcing myself to go out anyway). I still have game I guess. :) I just need to force myself to go out more. It's a struggle because I have to combat all the negatives I mentioned above when it comes to dating.